Not only my happiness got shut down- Pt 2

I used my fluffy big winter jacket long into the spring cuz I didn't want people to see that I was pregnant.. Spring 2016 were so hot. And now I can't even imagine how I was able to continue with my jacket for so long. But that was everything he had to say, ''use your jacket, hide the belly.. Don't tell anyone.''.. -Use the jacket, I said to myself. -Use it or he gets angry.

After mama told her bf and my sister (more than in the middle of spring, and i got pregnant in September) it was easier to be home. I could finally skip the jacket at home. I could eat as I needed and wanted. We had a big backyard, I used to lay there on two chairs. And just suck up all sun, I had my spray bottle with water with me, else it was waaay to hot to lay there and just take all the vitamins I had miss the whole spring.

My dad wanted to see me one time. But I hadn't told him about my pregnancy, so I told him I was busy with other plans.. I can't really remember when I told him about my pregnancy. But I wrote him a letter. Explaning that what he's about to read he can never speak about to anyone. I tried my best to explain why in the letter.

He explained after that he was so happy that he was crying. He wanted so badly to tell his friends and family about it. And yet again, I was forced to shut his happiness down, pleaded and begged him to tell no one.. I've never felt so mean and bad in my whole life as when I told both my parents to not speak about it to anyone..

My cousin were pregnant at the same time. Her dad were so happy, I could read and see proud pictures, happy families. Happy moments and memories from them all online. I were so happy for her.

And I've never felt so lonely as when I was pregnant. All I could think of ''don't make him angry'' ''just stop feeling, stop care'' ''eat less, have more clothes on'' ''put on a smile for the midwife'' ''tell people you're busy, don't let them know''.

Part 3 incoming <3


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