Mental abuse -Pt 1

Many people doesn't believe in ''so called'' mental abuse. But I've been there. It's real. You can't see it, that's true but it is very very real. So I'll tell you my story of what it's like.

Everything was my fault. I can say nowadays ''I know it wasn't my fault'' but deep down I still think everything was my fault. And somehow, 5 years after, I still can't say and believe in it in the same time that it wasn't my fault.

His car broke down one night, and he was so upset about it, so I told him take the bus home to me, we can watch a movie or do anything else so he don't have to think about it. But he ended up blaming me for the car. Telling me I don't under stand anything for shit. And that was my fault I truly believe it. Cuz if I didn't wanted to try make him happy when he was already angry, and now he's more angry cuz of me.. Did I want to much attention..? -Yes. It was my fault that he got more angry about everything.

Or those times he went away with his friends and I wasn't allowed to follow cuz there would be females around. Cuz I don't like females. And never had. But he never gave me the chanse to try to befriend them. Told me instead to stay home and watch a movie or play games.
I have female friends nowadays. It took time for me to like them or accept them as friends, but those I have they are diamond worth for me.

And yeah.. All those times I told him '' I will change, I'll be good to you''. And I tried and tried to find all the problems in myself, that I was always the issue for us. Always looking for ''what did I do wrong'' , ''what's wrong with me''. He used to tell me ''You should be locked up in a mental institution'', used my mental health as a blame mechanism, that I was sick... -what was wrong with me, what did I do wrong..

Or the time he yelled at me in the car park where thousands of people stared at me. Told me what a bad mum I was to take my child to a ''car meeting''. That's the last time I've been out with friends. That's 4 years ago. Whenever I'm outside now I'm always out with my contact person. I'm to scared to go outside and meet him if I'm not with a more adult human than myself. If I'm alone outside I watch myself over the shoulder millions of times, cuz I wan't to be able to get up my phone to call someone or run to nearest cops if I see him.

I moved away from my first apartment cuz we didnt have a code gate in that apartment building. And I was terrified he would force himself into my apartment from last time I saw him when all I wanted was for him to write on some papers. And he refused to go out from my apartment so I ''pushed him'' out from it ( Jag motade ut han ur min lägenhet). After that I started to look for a new apartment with a coded gate in to the apartments.
We live now on a place like that. But I'm still terrified will find his way in to us. I always check so people close the gate right and that my door is 100% locked. Over and over again. And I think I'm going crazy over this. But I'm really scared of meeting him again some day.

This is just some stuff that happend. And you might think ''that's not so bad''. I know there's people that have had it worse. But that doesn't make my fear less real or less true. I'm controled every day by my fear of meeting him one day. I have nightmares almost every night. Waking up sweating and having hard to breath, feeling how the heart having trouble to cope with the emotions I get from even dreaming. Some days I can wake up with pure panic attacks without even rememer the dream I had. But the hardest part of living with all memories I have is to fall asleep. I don't want to sleep. I hate waking up with panic attacks, I hate to relive those memories where he rapes me, oh sorry it's ''not rape if we're together'', he told me that.. Or relive all those memories where everything was my fault, that I was truly the one to blame.

I hate myself and in the same time I love myself. I have no respect of my body. I had to learn to separate myself, my soul from the body I inhabit to survive my trauma. I don't like my body. Cuz what people see is not what and who I am. And if I got the chanse to take a pill to delete everything from my past life. I would, 100% I would. Maybe I would become a better person(?) then, but I guess we will never know. Cuz I hate that I rememer everything, I hate what he did with my body, and I hate that I cant change my mind about it. I wanna forgive and move on, but I can't. I will never accept what happend to me. I'll never forgive him. Not now when I've woken up and realized.. -That everything wasn't my fault. I wasn't always the one to blame.