It’s one of those nights

It’s one of those nights, again.. where you hunt my brain. Poke it, choke it, electrocute it. How you made my own family think I was lying when I simply tried to explain what I had to go though with and for you. You were not a good person. You made me hate my grandma and my uncle, I lost family and all my friends.. Cuz they thought I was lying, cuz you were “the good guy I finally found”. You got angry and disappointed whenever I coloured my hair or cut it. Yelled at me and told me how much shit my friends were whenever I wanted to associate with them, that they just trying to take me away from you, or how bad they were for me... so many times I’ve smiled and said everything is fine with us. Cuz if I think it’s good, it’s all good. If I ignore all the bad things you would be happy and then no problems exist. If i was just a ''good girl'' i could keep your mood up.

My uncle have tried to say sorry. But sorry ain’t worth shit for me when the damage already exist. You can’t shoot someone and then tell them you’re sorry after and expect them to answer.

I'll actually try to send grandma a letter. with some small things that happend only under the pregnancy. I don't wanna bother her with those times you locked me up. Or those times you told me i was to mentally sick to live a life or be a good mom. Or all the rest you did to me. Her heart aint worth to carry my pain, my traumas from you.I wanna make her understand that you were shit for me.

The only people im jealous over is actually people that are happy and pregnant. I never felt that. I wasent allowed to talk about Lillknodden. not allowed to be around people. For the whole pregnancy i almost lived in my basement. alone and fking hungry. Don't eat so much you told me. everytime we ate.. Don't eat so much, or they will know... dont eat so much . . . .

I had to take my sleeping medication tonight at 3, or i would have had a really bad panic ptsd attack this night. I can feel how it's coming, it's like all my nervs in my whole body get electricity flowing in a pulse. I'm getting better. I rarely have them now. Still a few ''small'' ones here and there under a month. But it gets better, im starting to feel like.. alive again. Not myself, you took that away. But maybe soon i can feel alive again for real.

small steps, nothing fast farward, slow and half steady. I'll get there. I hope. Cuz im tired of the pain that flows in my veins.

It's half past 4 now. Soo.. nightnight. tomorrow it's cleaning day i've decided, i just hope i got energy for it..

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