Goodbye

I wanna live my life. So if you read this, this is my final letter to you.

I feel like glass, and you could see that you broke me if you looked me in my face. Cuz when I stop listen to you and your demands you decided I was useless and worthless of being true to. Cuz when I decided to change my life to the better you told me I would never be able to live my life without you. Do you remember all the times you told me to do stuff in your way? Do you even remember you decided what I was allowed to do with my hair? Do you even remember all those times you told me my friends was bad for me, you decided to take them away from me, i guess.. Cuz you always started a fight when I wanted to associate with my friends, while you went away in the middle of the night and didn't even tell me where you went, just that you wanted to hang with your friends. Or all those days you left me home alone while you went away and had fun. While I sat at home and wondered why are you allowed to go with your friends while I lost all of mine. Do you remember that evening in 2014, while we were going to my brother and you told me in the car, just outside the restaurant in the turn, that if I ever get pregnant with you, you would harm me till miscarriage. Do you remember all those times you told me I destroy your life. Do you remember all those times I said no to sex? And yet you raped me, or no?... Cuz yeah right, if you're together it ''can't be rape'' you told me... Do you remember all those times you thowed your dick up in my face, and told me I have to like it? Do you remember those times you told me ''everyone else have sex'' cuz that's just how it is in a relationship. Do you remember those times you told me I had to learn to like it? Let me tell you this, I learned to fake it. To dissociate and mentally remove myself from the situation. Do you remember that time you locked me up? And I said I call the cops if you dont let me go home. Do you remember what you told me then? You laught me in my face and said ''We are together, you're my girlfriend, who gonna believe you, you would never hurt me like that right''.

Do you know I cried myself to sleep almost all nights after that? And the only time I actually felt safe was to sleep on the floor...- instead of next to you.

- It's something so psychotic how you like watching glass break. Cuz that was the moment I gave up, gave into you, decided I was worth nothing.
Just a human shell you could toy with.

Do you remember when I moved 40+ miles away from this city? Truth is, I did it to get away from you. And I had the best time of my life there. Then I start to get phonecalls that you start taking drugs again, and it was my fault. People calling me asking if you could get them drugs as well. Do you know that was the only thing that took me back to this city? The guilt that I had to carry your failure, that I caused you pain, that I was the reason you got back to drugs. Do you remember the time you told me that I was the reason you started again as well? So I came back to this city to make sure you were okay. Even if you broke me, you had me tight in your hand still, and we got back to the old same. Cuz I still felt is was my duty to make you happy even if it did cost my own happiness, and my own life. So I gave up on my friends again, cuz it was always fights when I wanted to do something. While you were free like a bird. And every time I wanted somethig I had to learn my place, that you only gave me when you felt for it.

When I got pregnant a lot did change. To the worse. You told me to not eat so much, keep it small so no one would know. You told me I wasnt allowed to talk to people about my pregnancy. And when we was at my sisters place and talked about it you gave me the ''evil eye'', and yeah it wasnt only me thinking so, even my sister asked me about it.. And I smiled and said ''No, he just havent slept so much, we're happy''. Did you know I didnt go to the midwife untill month 3 into my pregnancy cuz I was scared to talk to someone about it? And they were so angry at me and told me I was irresponsible for not coming earlier. And all those times my midwife asked if everything was okay with us, and I smiled and said ''Yes, everything is fine, he's just working and wasent allowed to come''. Do you remember all those times you told me to adopt him away, for my own good and yours?- that when you realized I wouldnt do an abortion.. And I asked my midwife for information about it with sorrow in my voice. And she kept asking if everything was okay with us. And I keept the smile up and said ''Yes, I'm just tired''.
Do you remember when we was at your sisters place. And she said ''it can still become a miscarriage'', and you told me after it's for the better if it happend. Do you remember that night you put your hand on my belly, to feel him kicking in there? That night terrified me the hell out, but I keep the face that I was asleep.
That night I truly thought you would harm us.- me and the baby. Do you remember all those times you told me to use drugs cuz ''we wasn't going to keep it'' (it).. Did you know under months I only ate at night after I did move home again, cuz I didn't want mom or her BF to notice I was pregnant cuz I was scared of you and what you would do if they knew.. Do you remember all the times you told me to get an abortion cuz I destroyed your life? - cuz I decided to keep the baby. And even tho I told you I see that like a murder. You told me I would never be able to take care of a baby cuz I couldnt take care of myself or you. And all those times you told me I need you, cuz without you Im nothing.. Do you remember when you tried to force me to accept you at the birth place? I was terrified that I would die, and he would end up in your hands.. And I was bleeding a lot, and they told me if I didnt take a specific medication I could die.. I wasn't fighting for only myself, I'm fighting for him to get and have a good life, a life I wasn't allowed to have.

Do you remember when I was at the ''car meeting'' 2016 with my friends and family? And I was shitting bricks that you would come too,, cuz my friends was also yours. And I already knew you would say I was irresponsible to take a baby there, cuz I wasn't allowed to have fun or associate with friends or family. That's the image you built up for me. But I saw other happy families with their babies and small kids and I felt a little bit better, that I wasn't alone there as a mother. And then they say ''I think I saw him''. I got my phone up to check the buss home cuz I didnt wanna be there if you were there. And a buss were going in 15 mins, I was so happy. But my heart where pounding outside my body.. So I told my friend ''Its time to go fast, the buss is here soon''. So I said good bye to the others and took my leave. Then you came running from behind and grabbed my arm so fast and hard that I actually got bruises after. And you yelled at me in the open street where thousands of people were gathering around to look at us..

And that's the reason I refuse to go outside without someone with us, cuz if you come up to me, I know you wouldn't care, you always have something bad to tell me about me and make me smaller than I already am.
Cuz you dont know what respect is. You dont know how much you have harmed me. Cuz if I gonna be honest with you, I think you should be diagnose with narsicism, your perception of loyalty goes only towards you and only you. You only care about yourself. You have the right to lie, go behind backs, to be unfaithful, do as you pleases without anyone to say other wise, and everything have to be your way. So even tho you have no mental illness on paper, I think you're sick. In the bad way. And it's not your fault. It's not your fault you took advantage of me. Right? Because I always end up making up a lie for you. Cuz deep down, I'm nothing. Just a shell of a human that one time lived. You made sure of that.

I feel like glass. And you could see that you broke me if you looked me in my face. I'm shattered, but my broken pieces are more dangerous than your ego ever could ever take. It's something so psychotic how you like watching glass break. Even tho I'm shattered my self image have not altered. But I'm growing. And I've decide to be lonely the rest of my life cuz I cant trust people. Something I'm glad I learned of you is to stop have feelings. Even if I feel happy and feel love I shut it down, put it in a box and lock it. I decide to be alone cuz no one can then tell me whats right or wrong. No one can then tell me what clothes to were, how to do and have my hair. Who I can be friend with. I'll never put someone before myself. So thank you for the PTSD, anxiety and stress. All those nights I wake up sweating and crying, they remind me why I wanna be lonely for the rest of my life. Thanks for making me have the right to get medication that helps me sleep or put me to sleep. They help those nights I can't sleep cuz of flashbacks with you, when I just sit and crying and tear my skin for hours, cuz it feels like electricity is streaming through my body.

And to the good stuff;

It have been about 4 years since I saw you last time. I'm getting better, from having PTSD attacks 10-15 times a day to ''only'' a few per month. I still wont go outside alone, I have ''human trainers'' that help me get out from the apartment a little ever week, 2-3 times. Its getting better. But you wouldnt care ofc. I am after all, your creation of chaos.
I have amazing new friends cuz my old ones I don't know anymore, you made sure of that. I've tried to reach out to some old ones, but they are living their life and I'm no longer a part of that. And if I gonna be honest that makes me a bit lost. I found a man I fell for but I ended that cuz I needed more time alone. But I ended up deciding to be alone the rest of my life. I have tried to keep a work but always ending up losing it due to my mental illnesses, and they thinking of maybe put me on early retirement, but you don't have to worry (not cuz you would) we still living and thriving. We have been to Turkey and Denmark, having the time of our lives. We planing on going to Spain and Thailand after Corona is over. We also have plans for some awesome animal activities in Denmark.
2020s new year we were in Gbg, and had a cozy time with our friend, we baked some stuff and made food and had a really good time together. We did also move to a new apartment a few years back, sadly it had mold so we got another apartment while they did renovate our. And we're happy now. And I hope we can stay that way.

I don't feel like keep blogging. But who knows. Maybe I'll be back one day. So I'll keep this blog up, but wont be active in it. This is my ''last'' message, cuz I needed to get it of my chest, and let others know why I am like I am. I've had so many telling me it's a lie, cuz why didn't I say anything when it did happen. You have to understand, I was ''brainwashed'', I thought that toxic and controlling relationships were normal, that having it like it was, was normal. And if I told someone I was scared that he would harm me or that no one would believe me. But then I started to waking up, realising it wasnt normal, and this is not all, there's more to be told but I dont feel like writing more. -but here we are. 4 years later I'm ready to share my story. Cuz I think it can help others. It gets better, trust me.

So have a good, no have an amazing life everyone, I'm out :))

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