I found a journal from a few years ago and reading about old memories and old friends got me thinking...

People often think I'm weird when they find out I don't want to ever have children or be in a relationship..and they seem even more confused, when after pointing out to me all of the positives, ( like I don't know ), that I still haven't changed my mind. Now heres what I find weird, here is what blows my fucking mind..they know...know that its all fucking fleeting.

They must know when they wrap themselves up in their partners body like a security blanket at night, that one day, not far in the future, they are most likely going to be sleeping alone again. They must know when they look at their child playing in the sand, that one day life might come and wash their child away from them.

I know what you are going to say..nothing in life is guaranteed and you probably won't be the unlucky parent that looses your child. But what if you are? What the fuck do you do then? How do you pick yourself up. The part that makes me sad is not the thought of being at my child's funeral, or dropping a box filled with my lovers belongings, at their house after a break up. The part I don't understand, is how you go back to normal? When this person that you can no longer call yours, had become your normal. It's not the goodbyes that I fear. It's the moment when you're at a party, and you see your ex lover, and you simply smile at them and move on..as if they are a stranger, as If you never once lay in the dark together and confessed your biggest fears. How does a mother loose her child...a piece of her...and be able to ever go a day where their death is not the first thing you they see when they open their heavy eyes in the morning..and the last thing they cry themselves to sleep about at night. How do they back to normal?

And I get it....this might not happen...but how when you are looking at your lover...do you not think to yourself..one day they are not going to be here..and one day this moment right here...is going to be dead..and we will both pretend it never happened..a month from now lover,we could hate each other. How are you not constantly, crushed by the reminder that most things are fleeting. How do you not let knowing that, taint everything.

Isn't it better to never have loved..than to have loved and lost? Or is it better to let your self live life at full speed and crash and burn, rather than to die un bloomed?