Starting a blog, yes, that seems like a great idea. It's something to ease my mind, it's simple, it's effective, and did I keep up with doing it? NO, not in the slightest.
Well to give myself an explanation/excuse I blame it on adjusting to my new responsibilities at work and finding a new daily routine to go with it, and honestly just forgetting about it.
But during this time I've had plenty of time to think about all kinds of things and that's why my will to post something has returned. (get ready for lengthy post)
When I first started my blog I considered myself (after much consideration) a bisexual woman, you know open for anything and anyone, but in the past few months my thoughts on myself and my sexuality have begun to change. To be honest, when I first started to question my sexuality, meaning before deciding on bisexual, I had this huge moment of "am I gay?" but then my head went into this whole "no I've slept with guys and that was ok so..." -thing and I just shrugged the thought off and landed on bi. But then I was watching lesbian youtubers and all this stuff and heard what they had to say about them realising they were gay and also how they felt BEFORE realising. And mixing them with my own thoughts and opinions everything just kind of clicked. Therefore I would like to share a few of these things here down below:
- One thing a lesbian youtuber said was that, one way of knowing you're gay is that you always like boys that are in some way unavailable, like watching actors on TV or liking a musician you will probably never even meet and so on, but when they're actually there you're not really into it. This was one of the bigger mind-blowing experiences I had as I thought back, I've been a k-pop fan for a long time and watching all these pretty boys from the other side of the world all the time I was still pleased just watching videos. And when I then applied the thought to my real life I realised that sure I fantasised about having sex, and more specifically sex with boys because you know that's what's expected. But then when it actually came down to doing it in physical life it was just kind of underwhelming and I just felt ashamed or bored most of the time.
- I've never really felt attracted to a guy in the "I want to spend my life with you"-kind of way, my attraction was mostly based of the possible outcome of physical pleasure, because surely, maybe, this time, a guy would be able to get me off. But girls are the ones I want to spend time with outside of sex and that I enjoy fully.
- The fact that every time a man has shown me physical attention in a cuddle way I've felt uncomfortable as if they're clinging to me like a child. And also when I think of a relationship with a man I feel like I would become someones property and it just doesn't feel right in general.
- The absolutely biggest eye-opener though was something I realised quite recently and it is the little push that made me fall over completely and accept my sexuality. I've always had a fear of aging and dying, also of moving on with my life because that brings me closer to "the end". But still as every human probably do at some point, I've tried to imagine my future. Imagining myself with a husband, a house and kids, maybe a dog. And it has me absolutely freaking out. The same goes for every time I've tried to date guys and think of being in an actual relationship with them, I get claustrophobic and terrified and feel trapped. I just thought of it as fear of commitment or something like that until I tried imagining my future with another woman. The only thing I could feel was happiness and excitement and suddenly my fear of "the end" actually shrank for some weird reason. I believe my fear wasn't of dying, it was of dying without living the life I wanted for myself, dying after living a lie.
So there you have it, this is me. I'm a lesbian.