2009 to 2019, what a wild 10 years it has been. I was 14, going on 15, when the decade began. I thought it was the hardest year I’d ever had to live through; that nothing can ever be as bad as being a teenager. Are any teenagers actually happy? I remember how unfair it was being treated like a child was when we were expected to act like adults. We were more curious than we wanted to admit; we wanted to know about sex, about drugs, about everything that was worth experimenting with, and we judged anyone who did the same thing as us. Yes, being a teenager was hard, let me blame the hormones, and I had some amazing times, but I don’t think I was all that happy at that time in my life, but boy, I had no clue what a wild ride I had in front of me.
The past 10 years have been filled with surprises, pain, shocks, heartache, worry, fear, happiness, amazement, growth, mistakes, memories and more than anything, lessons. On top of being a hormonal teenager, I also spent the second half of 2009, and beginning of 2010 on crutches after undergoing knee surgery~ with the following complications of the surgery, I ended up getting 88 stitches, and a dalteparin “vaccine” daily through a tube in my leg that broke twice, making me bleed uncontrollably, and ended up in the hospital, once again. Good times. 2010 ended well with new friends, that I am still in touch with today. But 2011 was when my life took me by surprise and I made one of the greatest decisions of my life; it was when I started to appreciate myself, love my life, and in the drowning pool of mandatory teenage depression, I actually found myself having a good time; I moved to Kenya 🇰🇪
My dear Kenya; a country so close to my heart, I think I’ll always think of it was a home away from home. I made the best of friends there, and the best of memories. I was my best self, and looking back, I just wish I knew how happy I was. I met so many people, drank an uncountable amount of tequila shots and Smirnoff black, spent more all nighters than is good for the human body, laughed until my cheeks ached and danced until my feet were numb. My soul got colorful and I didn’t care who knew it, I was given the title “party princess” (something I wore way too proudly), and was given the compliment that I wear no judgement towards others; something I wish I could say was still true, but time makes one bitter, even at 25. Kenya also gave me rare possibilities that has allowed to thank my blessings. I volunteered at several orphanage’s and schools in the slum, climbed mountains, went on safaris. I mixed with cultures and religions, and I learned something from each individual, giving me the understanding how important everyone is; how important I was. My Kenya ride ended in 2013, when I graduated high school... but I was so not ready for that chapter to say goodbye.
The year and a half after that, I thought that the world had gone dark. I was alone in a black winter, in a house way too large for a single person. I worked small jobs I didn’t care for, mostly to just make money to spend on partying, I gathered an extremely unhealthy insomnia; I literally didn’t sleep for three days at one point, and all I did at that time, was sit home and eat; yes, my weight got the best of me too. Thinking back to that time however, I am shocked by how unhealthy I was and how angry I was at the world when I did so little for it, after I’d had such an amazing experience. But honestly, I don’t think it was that bad though, I just decided to focus on the negative stuff to feel more, but the truth is, I had some really good times during those years. We became a group of friends that did a lot together, and I was lucky to have that; more than I realized.
2015, Australia, another wild rollercoaster. My Australia experience was like two different worlds; after dreaming about the Sunshine Coast for a year, I was so happy when I got there; and the first half year there, was everything I had ever imagined. I moved in with one of my best friends, someone I’d met in Kenya, and we were living the dream. We watched movies, had deep conversations about the meaning of life, danced the nights away, ate amazing food, met wonderful people, and loved life. I went to the university where I studied creative writing but my world took a 180 turn when I met a very specific person. My best friend left the country, and I fell in love with a forbidden fruit, but not in the way we see in movies. The people who get it right the first time, don’t understand how lucky they are. I however, fell unluckily in love; something I believe most people do at some point but that is a part of growth, isn’t it? It was however toxic, and painful, and my memories are more taunting than blissful. I think the chemistry must have been intense at some point but it was like mixing baking soda and vinegar together; no matter how badly you try to make it work, it never will and by the time the day is over, it will most likely end in tears.
2015... it was all parties and caddy drama, and to top the cherry on top of the Sunday, the pee stick to my surprise turned pink. Abortion was my first decision. How could I possibly raise a child? I was 21 years old and trying to live my best life. But when I saw that ultra sound, it all became so real, it was a part of me, it was my child. I loved him, and I wanted him. It took a lot before I found the courage to tell anybody, and finally made the decision to return to Sweden, a decision I am so thankful that I made. The thought of what would’ve happened if i would’ve stayed in Australia, makes my stomach twist. I returned to Sweden, in one piece, where I had my baby. The most beautiful baby boy that I’ve ever seen. He was born on the 31st of March 2016 and melted my heart from his very first breath.
After Noah’s birth, I got really sick, but once that was over, I was happy; really happy. Everyone had warned me about how difficult babies are, so Noah must’ve been the best baby in the world. He was easy, and peaceful, and I spent every second looking at him. He had such a uniq harmony within him in everything he did and when he was old enough, we returned to australia where we got to spend time with his dad and grandmother. I loved getting to know Noah’s Australian relatives, and I was grateful that i could give him that. From the day we left, I had hoped that we could come back again; but life gets in the way and wounds open wider the more you scratch them, and our Australia trip became a one time thing. One day however, I hope things will be different and Noah can know where he comes from.
I ended my maternity leave when Noah was a year and a half. Noah started daycare and I first got a job as a daycare teacher, but then started working as a waitress. After a year, I chose to get in touch with my inner crazy again, and moved abroad with my baby. I got a job in Spain as a telemarketer, and Noah ended up going to school there. Spain was mostly a test to see if moving abroad as a single and young mother really was possibility and I came to the conclusion that it was. It was fun while it lasted but I literally just woke up one morning and realized that I’d achieved all that I could’ve from that particular experience. 2019 has been an extremely hard and emotional year for me. I’ve spent the past six months trying to figure out what I want for myself. I can work as a telemarketer, a waitress and a substitute teacher for the rest of my life if I want to, and there would be nothing wrong with that, but it took me however 25 years to realize that I want more. I’ve been so extremely lucky being able to grow up with the world in my hands. 2019 has been the year for mistakes; but I did a lot of good before that, and I want to spend my life being good. I want to give Noah the world too, and that is my goal, but I am also so relieved to know now what it is that I want to become in life, and 2020 is going to be the year that I start being the person I want to be. I’m going to dye my hair crazy colors and wear clothes that stick out without caring about the judgement, because I’m going to try to live up to that compliment I received all those years ago, I’m going to sing out loud while I’m walking down the streets while others look at me funny 😄 and I’m going to work my ass off so that I can go back to university (which one I want to go to, you’ll just have to stay tuned to find out more) to study criminology, to help people the way I believe is important. The past ten years have made me so strong; the next ten years are going to make me happy. That is my New Years resolution. What is yours?