"Just think positive for once and you'll see that everything will be fine"
"Everyone have bad days, so stop feeling sorry for yourself"
"Crying is for the weak"
"If you're so sad, then why were you smiling the other day?"
These sentences are just a few of the many that I get told when I talk about my mental illness.
So instead of sitting in my room and thinking that I'm stupid cause I don't know how to quit being ill (as many seem to think is possible to do) I've decided to explain exactly what MDD (mental depressive disorder - also known as depression) is and what this means for me.
The reason I'm telling this to the world is because I need it. What I mean in "need it" is that I need people to understand why I sometimes get offended by simple things or why I'm always super hyped or happy, sometimes even exaggerated. Cause I believe that if people knew this about me, maybe they would understand me and my actions better.
And also because I feel like mental illness isn't discussed enough, when actually more the 60% of every young person in the world actually suffer from some kind of mental illness and probably more the half of them are ashamed of talking about it since it's seen as a big "defect" to have a mental illness by society today.
So now I'm swallowing my pride and showing you the real me.
I got diagnosed with depression 2013, but had been living with it way before that.
How I got it is unimportant, cause talking about that won't solve anything now. Let's just leave it at that I went through some rough stuff.
And this "rough stuff" marked me so hard that my brain broke. Not "broke" broke in like two pieces, but mentally broke. If for example you told me I was pretty my brain told me that you hated me and wanted me dead.
I chose to not tell anyone about how I felt and about what I thought, I just acted like I was fine around everyone around me.
But as my brains negative thoughts grew, the thoughts started to evolve into actions which eventually almost led to my death.
When I realized how bad the situation was it was almost to late. So I decided to seek help. I talked to my mom about it, and at first she didn't believe me. I don't blame her! Who would believe me?! I had never shown any signs of having depression ever, to anyone!! I always was the smiling kid that encouraged others to be happy ec.
But as I continue to tell her I needed help she contacted a children's physicalist that would do a test to see what was wrong with me.
If I tell you what these doctors made me do you'll laugh out loud. They get a call from a desperate teenage girl that has suicide thoughts, and what do they do? They start to investigate if I have autism... They later found out that I didn't, in fact I was in perfect health except I was most of the time extremely sad they said. (Thanks, hadn't figured that out by myself already Sherlock, happy to be paying you for that info...)
Anyhow, my doctors appointment didn't lead anywhere and I soon realized that if I wanted to get well I had to do it myself.
I'll be completely honest, to be totally cured from this illness is more then hard, it's almost impossible without heavy medication.
But I decided to be the miracle, to be the one that made it out of this black storm inside of me by myself.
I knew the journey would take time and would be difficult. And I knew from the start I wouldn't be cured immediately.
So I made a list of what I needed to do to change my brain back to normal - 1) surround myself with people that would lift me up, 2) read uplifting verses in the bible and pray to Jehovah as much as I could, and 3) show my emotions.
I got so much help from my family when they understood how badly I was injured inside. A sister that also suffered from a strong depression helped me a lot.
She helped me understand more about the illness and how with Jehovah help I could make it easier to live.
Our sickness wouldn't disaster - but it would get better she assured me.
It took me years to get to where I'm now, but I'm still not okay. I've understood now that this depression will forever be a part of me, but that I can chose not to let it consume me.
I've mastered how to sail my inner storm but sadly I still sometimes nearly drown.
But now I've learned that that's when it's time to call for help. That's the difference between the old and the new me.
So if you now wondered why I under all this time that you've known me never have told you this, or why I've always been so happy and positive around you if I've felt so sad I have 2 answers.
1) I've been so ashamed to tell anyone this because of how they would react and over how they would treat me afterwards. I didn't want anyone's pity.
2) I've been happy and positive because that's what kind of person I am. And since I hate my illness I've wanted to make others feel as happy as possible so they never have to experience the sadness I've felt. (I wouldn't wish this disease even on my greatest enemy.)
And my happy face have been my mask to the outworld to not make anyone think I was ill. (So if you didn't know I had MDD until today I guess I've done a pretty good job.)
Today I'm so much better then me 2013. I'm sincerely happy and I don't think "everyone" wants me dead or thinks I'm the ugliest person alive. But I still get really sad sometimes, and I still don't know why. The only thing that helps when that happens is reading the bible and praying.
If your reading this right now and you also suffer from a mental illness - DON'T BE ASHAMED!! Talk about it to someone, otherwise you won't get the help you need. Talk to Jehovah about what you feel and talk to a close friend or family member also.
It might feel like a hard thing to do, but you'll see how much it helps!
If you after you've read this want to ask me something feel free to contact me too. I'll be more then happy to give you some tips that has helped me get to where I am in my life right now.
What ever anyone says - cry, be sad, have a bad day - but don't do it every day! Don't let the bad things in life consume you! I know you can do it - look at me I did! Keep your sails strong and ride throw this storm and you'll see how strongly the sun will shine when you get out on the other side.
❤️ (ps. I just want to clear - I'm not a different person because of this. Just because my inside is messed up it doesn't mean I've been a different person when I've been with you. I've just left that part at home when I've been with you so you didn't see it. But I'm still that childish, clumsy, hysterical,laughing girl that you all know.)