Sometimes, I feel like an outsider whilst being in my own “circle”.
Like yesterday, when my whole family gathered to visit my grandpa and grandma graves, as a tradition before Tet/Lunar New Year. I loved how it was. It’s family. Mine, the only I have. Yet, hearing all the noises, the talks, there was this split moment I just felt...out of place. Because I was the only one standing there and not engaging in any conversation - at that moment. Aunties and mom were the same as usual, either talking about us - their kids, or their grandchildren. And you know what that means. Then the uncles joined in. My cousins - from different age groups - the older ones talked about work and nonsense things like my brother’s recent craze for watches (I knew because I overheard him talking with another cousin haha) or U23 Vietnam. The middle ones - my “group”, those who are in their late 20s - we talked about work, again. One of my cousins just bought a new car - which to the elders in my family it’s like a huge pride. Well maybe, I don’t know. Or this cousin’s family visited homeland after living in Germany for the past year and telling their story (more like struggles, honestly). Or the youngest ones - who are in their teenage or early 20s, talked about latest food addiction. Then there was this particular split moment when I didn’t actually talk with anyone, and just listened to the conversations around me.
And all the noises kinda made me headache.
Or. I was there, sitting between my dearest friends, whom I hadn’t met for months, I was too busy and they were, too. I was excited and all. And it was fun! But, when they started talking about upcoming wedding, babies and being moms, suddenly the hotpot in front of my eyes looked so interesting, and I felt hungry again, despite eating a lot prior that.
Or, browsing through Facebook and saw my acquaintances - yeah I would / should call them so, those people we added on Facebook but not really “friends” - and their updates. Sometimes I can’t help but wondering, well what we share in common again?
No one likes to be lonely.
But I found out, those alone times sometimes are vital. They help us “calm down”, sit back and think, or better yet, think nothing at all. Just, appreciate the moment.
One time, a close friend suddenly said to me, “I don’t know where I belong to”, and maybe it’s the most vulnerable thing I ever heard she said to me. We all wonder that some points in life, don’t we? Sometimes, I think we can’t have the answer, though.
If we know where do we belong to, it’s not life anymore. “What always happens? Life.”