Sometimes, I feel like an outsider whilst being in my own “circle”.

Do you?

Like yesterday, when my whole family gathered to visit my grandpa and grandma graves, as a tradition before Tet/Lunar New Year. I loved how it was. It’s family. Mine, the only I have. Yet, hearing all the noises, the talks, there was this split moment I just felt...out of place. Because I was the only one standing there and not engaging in any conversation - at that moment. Aunties and mom were the same as usual, either talking about us - their kids, or their grandchildren. And you know what that means. Then the uncles joined in. My cousins - from different age groups - the older ones talked about work and nonsense things like my brother’s recent craze for watches (I knew because I overheard him talking with another cousin haha) or U23 Vietnam. The middle ones - my “group”, those who are in their late 20s - we talked about work, again. One of my cousins just bought a new car - which to the elders in my family it’s like a huge pride. Well maybe, I don’t know. Or this cousin’s family visited homeland after living in Germany for the past year and telling their story (more like struggles, honestly). Or the youngest ones - who are in their teenage or early 20s, talked about latest food addiction. Then there was this particular split moment when I didn’t actually talk with anyone, and just listened to the conversations around me.

And all the noises kinda made me headache.

Lol

Or. I was there, sitting between my dearest friends, whom I hadn’t met for months, I was too busy and they were, too. I was excited and all. And it was fun! But, when they started talking about upcoming wedding, babies and being moms, suddenly the hotpot in front of my eyes looked so interesting, and I felt hungry again, despite eating a lot prior that.

Or, browsing through Facebook and saw my acquaintances - yeah I would / should call them so, those people we added on Facebook but not really “friends” - and their updates. Sometimes I can’t help but wondering, well what we share in common again?

No one likes to be lonely.

But I found out, those alone times sometimes are vital. They help us “calm down”, sit back and think, or better yet, think nothing at all. Just, appreciate the moment.

One time, a close friend suddenly said to me, “I don’t know where I belong to”, and maybe it’s the most vulnerable thing I ever heard she said to me. We all wonder that some points in life, don’t we? Sometimes, I think we can’t have the answer, though.

If we know where do we belong to, it’s not life anymore. “What always happens? Life.”

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Maybe today, I can finally write something about...you?

I honestly don't know where to start. Or how to start. But I just really want to write down...something, about you, about our story, so that one day many years later, maybe even 10 years later as we always joked around, I read this again, and understand why, how and for what I have loved you that much.

Because again, there is a part of me that is going to be in love with you for the rest of my life.

Yes, just a part of me, I can't give you my whole, because if I do that then I would not have ANY left. Honestly, if I can, I would. But I cannot. Because after all, I am forever just something on the side in your life.

I told you, little one is smart :)

Maybe more than I should have been, mostly when it comes to you. You were always so mysterious to me, and there were times I just could not understand "Why?". Until that one faithful day, when I discovered the truth, and got to know what is real and what is unreal. I wished I could turn time back, I wished I had a stronger will, and stayed naive, stayed innocent.

Because there are things better left unknown.

But I know them now, anyway.

Ever since then, I have been going through different states of mind.

Firstly, I felt shocked. Then the sorrow crept in. I could not help it. I had been feeling so upsetting about what I found out. It's not like I didn't know why you hid those truths or why did you lie to me. I understood. Still do. But, I just couldn't believe it. I kept asking, why? why? Jesus fucking Christ, why?

And then, I was torn between, should I bring this up when we talked the next time? The obvious answer should be yes fucking yes. But, I found myself ignoring the chance to bring it up in the next times we talked. I was afraid, because I know the moment I brought it up, we would never be the same anymore. I would lose you. And I wouldn't be able to live with that.

A little bit dramatic huh. But that was the truth. I would rather bury that dirty little guilty truth with me, than confronting you, and lose you forever.

Much later, I realized, it doesn't matter anymore.

Because, that is how much I love you. Enough to let it go.

Now? I don't fucking care anymore. It's not like we ever meet at all. It's not like you are crazy about me, enough to change anything in your life anyway. It's not like I can have you, anyway. It's not like you want to be with me, anyway.

So, even though it's so wrong, but I might never bring it up. Because for the first time in my life, I wanna be selfish for myself. That is only me knows the fact that I know your biggest secrets (biggest to me).

Because it's how love is. Unreasonable, and blind.


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One day, if you read this.

It's been a while, I still don't know how to open up with you, about what I found. I doubt I ever will. It was a big surprise, and after the initial shock, it started to hurt. I just couldn't understand why you couldn't be honest with me. Well technically I understand, but, maybe I was overconfident in how I was to you.

Now I don't know what to do. But I do know that I already forgave you.

And I still love you, even though now I lost all the hope for an "us".


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