Yesterday I turned the good old number 25 and I realised that now I'm actually seen as an grown up. Not young-adult, but actually an grown up. I also think that for once in my life since age 7 my head seems to be in the same place as my actual age. I'm no longer 10 years ahead of myself.

Still, I'm not sure what I want out of life, I just know that for the first time in a reeeally long time I feel that I'm actually making right decisions for myself. I'm taking decisions for me, and not based on others feelings or thoughts. I started to take more time and space for myself than ever before, in a more honest way. Friends and family got effected, but I really needed to just deal with things on my own for a moment.

I needed change. Big time.


February has, because of that, been a very hectic month.

Filled with meetings, job interviews, doctors, relationship decisions and a big fat reality check, mixed with work, job meetings, birthdays and living life. I even decided to share my biggest secret of them all to one of my friends. That one big-fat-secret that I never thought would get out. But with wine in one hand and anxiety in the other I took a very conscious choice to share that secret.

Luckily I haven't regretted it, yet. And that's a good thing, in the long run. So I'm doing the best for me, step by step. My own pace and on my own terms. Exactly what I know is needed right now, so taking a step away from many people was definitely a good choice of mine. I know that I wouldn't be able to tackle this obstacle with 10 other people around me asking questions and thinking they have all the answers for me. I need to do this for me, not to please everyone I care about and be the good girl and be able to fail. (I need to feel safe enough to try, so I need to get away from pressure of nailing this right away)

And I just need to do this the way I feel is right for me. And with too many people around -wanting the very best for me- would probably cause more harm than good. Having someone that hasn't been around all the time seemed to be a very good thing to have around in this moment. Someone who I don't have history with but I still trust enough not to judge me.

So yeah.

Way to go with staying on track in this post. Began with a simple "turned 25 yesterday" to an mysterious post about secrets? Oh well, that's what you get with a mind like mine. I'm never on track really.

2018, it's going to be my year. For the better or for the worse.

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It wouldn't have taken me by surprise if I'd let this blog alone for a year. But frankly, leaving it to collect some dust turned out to be a very good thing for me.

I'm not going to run you all through a quick update about what have happened since.. 11th July last year (oops..). But instead just throw you all in to what's going on right now.. I'm LIVING! Last year was all about being present and living every day for what it give you, and I DID! It was great and really fulfilling.

I had plans to keep doing that this year but January really put me up to the test. Oh boy, if I could only tell you..! I was put in a position that I've been in before during 3 years now and this time I decided to follow the storm. Take the bull by its horn and yep, do the thing I've been putting up with for sooo long. There's been a lot of tears during just one month. There's been and there is so many big decisions for me to take. Everything from myself, work, relationship and mental health.


So this blog might have some big plans ahead of itself. I'm thinking about taking you all with me on my biggest journey yet. But I keep hesitating and giving myself reasons not to, but to be honest I think it's out of pure fear of what others might think and the pressure I put on myself to succeed it then. And am I prepared for that yet?

I do keep a journal every week (tries to write daily but fails), but I feel like this could also be a good opportunity to share my story, my real story. Hopefully someone else stumbles over it and finds comfort in reading it, I don't know.

I would want to throw out a big "keep your eyes open for future posts" but.. I'm not gonna do that this time. In fact, I will see you when I see you. This post is to let you all know that I'm still alive and breathing❤

​Paddington, London. November 2017