Yesterday I turned the good old number 25 and I realised that now I'm actually seen as an grown up. Not young-adult, but actually an grown up. I also think that for once in my life since age 7 my head seems to be in the same place as my actual age. I'm no longer 10 years ahead of myself.
Still, I'm not sure what I want out of life, I just know that for the first time in a reeeally long time I feel that I'm actually making right decisions for myself. I'm taking decisions for me, and not based on others feelings or thoughts. I started to take more time and space for myself than ever before, in a more honest way. Friends and family got effected, but I really needed to just deal with things on my own for a moment.
I needed change. Big time.
February has, because of that, been a very hectic month.
Filled with meetings, job interviews, doctors, relationship decisions and a big fat reality check, mixed with work, job meetings, birthdays and living life. I even decided to share my biggest secret of them all to one of my friends. That one big-fat-secret that I never thought would get out. But with wine in one hand and anxiety in the other I took a very conscious choice to share that secret.
Luckily I haven't regretted it, yet. And that's a good thing, in the long run. So I'm doing the best for me, step by step. My own pace and on my own terms. Exactly what I know is needed right now, so taking a step away from many people was definitely a good choice of mine. I know that I wouldn't be able to tackle this obstacle with 10 other people around me asking questions and thinking they have all the answers for me. I need to do this for me, not to please everyone I care about and be the good girl and be able to fail. (I need to feel safe enough to try, so I need to get away from pressure of nailing this right away)
And I just need to do this the way I feel is right for me. And with too many people around -wanting the very best for me- would probably cause more harm than good. Having someone that hasn't been around all the time seemed to be a very good thing to have around in this moment. Someone who I don't have history with but I still trust enough not to judge me.
Way to go with staying on track in this post. Began with a simple "turned 25 yesterday" to an mysterious post about secrets? Oh well, that's what you get with a mind like mine. I'm never on track really.
2018, it's going to be my year. For the better or for the worse.