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To die with peace & dignity?

Helloooo! I can't believe it; I made it 22 years in this living hell! I'm THE worst bitter Betty and hypocrite out there because I preach about being happy and to fight for who you are but in reality all I want to do is to roll up in bed like a burrito and stay there until I wither and die. I watched the latest episode of Outlander the other day and there was a scene when Colum Mackenzie had had enough with his suffering and told Claire to end his pain with assisted suicide. She asked: "Isn't suicide a sin?" and Colum replied by saying "What's one more sin to a sinner?".

I pull through each day with a smile but the knowledge of living like this for the rest of my life is the worst. I'll never get rid of my disorder, and I don't have the will to fight for my life because I don't understand the point of doing so. It's NOT a temporary problem. You know.. when I see disabled people on tv... Heroes, fighters... Perhaps someone who lost all their limbs but they still wake up every morning wanting to live. Perhaps someone who is dying but they're fighting for their life because they don't feel like it's their time to die yet. I don't get it.

I've told my parents that if something were to happen to me I don't want them to do "everything they can" to make me to stay alive no matter what. I honestly don't want to live, I just feel like my time here is done and now I'm just on this earth because a few people want me here, and if I end up in an accident or IF I ever end up dead because of suicide it won't be their fault. It's no one's fault really, it wouldn't even be MY fault because I don't see suicide as selfishness. I see it as a way of release, of letting go of something one never even wanted: Letting go of a life that was forced on me by my parents and a society that took away my right to choose whether I want to live or not. Because the parents give birth to a child and then expects the child to WANT that.

My point is that... I'm not going to kill myself any time soon. But the thoughts are with me every day and they're constantly burning in my brain. But I'll keep on keeping on because that's what I have to do.