ria

​So now we have this February school break and I don't know what to do. Or, yesterday my manager called and asked if I wanted to work next whole week, and I can't day no, especially not to my manager so I'm going to work. But the days are not so very long. I quit around five everyday so I will have some time left. So maybe I could find something out to do. My best friend is currently not home. She went to see her dad whose not living nearby here. Anyway. 

Yesterday I went figure-skating. Or not really, I was supporting my friends. One of my friends, L, who I haven't seen for over three weeks, texted me yesterday and asked if I wanted to come figure-skating. She said that she would bring another friend too so that we would be three people, and I know this other friend too because we were in the same class a couple of years ago. How ever my friend L, had planned dinner afterwards at a restaurant that none of us had eaten before. So we were really excited about this. 

I met L at the bus-station and we went to a nearby store to buy a pizza we could share. Then we went home to L. We made the pizza and talked but, I don't know, L has kind of changed. Her personality is not really the same as it once were. She is very, extremely, attached to her phone and especially Snapchat. It's like her scores and days on Snapchat are more important than life itself. Which honestly annoys me a lot because we couldn't have a normal conversation. She was constantly on the phone and when I said something she didn't listen, she just went like "what?", "what did you say?", and after a while I just simply stopped talking too. How ever she wasn't like this before, it all started when she began hanging out with S. 

L has become really boring basically. After a while my other friend whom I know joined us at L's so it got better because she is not like L at all. So we started talking like we used to do back when we were going to the same class. We had a good time but then just in the middle of everything L said that S texted her saying that she wanted to go figure-skating too. I was thinking like shit, this is probably not going to be fun. Then S came too and after that we began driving to the ice rink. 

I forgot to mention this but everyone had ice skates except me. I looked everywhere home but I couldn't find a pair, we used to have a lot because me and my sisters used to go out figure-skating when we were younger and since none of our feet are growing we've been able to use the same pairs for a while. But I couldn't find a pair so I told L that, and she just said that I could sit by the side and watch them while they were skating. I was not liking the idea but then again I can't just say straight ass no so I was like "yeeah". 

When we arrived to the ice rink we realized how cold it actually was. Or not for them, they had all kinds of different clothing on. And they were going to skate which would keep them warm, I couldn't. I started off by sitting and watching them for about 10 min. But after those 10 min I couldn't feel my ass anymore and I was freezing cold. So I did everything to keep myself warm. I walked around, ran back and forth I did everything I could think of. L and S went away from me and my other friend Li, so we were like ok wtf. It later turned out that L and S were talking about "secret-private" things that we couldn't be apart of. So me and Li were trying to keep us warm. She was skating and I was running around on the ice trying to skate with my shoes. S and L were honestly so disappointing, ugh. I think they stayed away from us for about an hour. When they returned they wanted to leave. 

Now remember how I mentioned that L had planned for us to go to a restaurant and eat. Well, S manage to convince her to bring us to a fast food restaurant instead. We ate a fucking hamburger. I was honestly so disappointed at this moment, I didn't give a fuck anymore. I just wanted to go home. L was all over S the whole time it was very annoying. After a long hour at this fast food restaurant we finally began driving home. 

Everything went horrible yesterday so I wasn't in the mood at all. I really love hanging out with L but she has changed so much I feel like I don't recognize her anymore. I know she is not being herself. She is focusing so much on being like S, fitting in and getting more Snapscores etc. It's annoying. Being active on social media and getting more Snapscore and pretending to be someone you don't want to be is not going to make you more popular. It will just make you feel like you have a constant pressure to make sure you act a way that people expect you to, instead of just acting the way you would - by heart.


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Two days ago I did something good. Truly. I texted T, after like over a week of not acknowledge each others' existence. I was honestly really nervous because I didn't know if he was angry at me for some reason or not. I did not want to disturb or something but I just felt like I had to text him and see if he was alright. He answered pretty quickly, which honestly surprised me - he never answers quickly. He answered and from there we slowly started to talk again like we used to do. He basically explained that he didn't want to text me because he thought that "she will text when she wants to". He knows that I am a very determined person.

We ended up texting each other about everything between earth and heaven the whole night. We stayed up til a little after 4 am, just texting. It was really fun and I love staying up like that texting him because honestly, I don't know how to describe it, it's just very special and he means so much to me. He is a very sweet person, I have never ever, during my whole life, met another special person like him. Also he said that "when we were not talking I was thinking about you everyday in school... and I was like why??".

Otherwise nothing special is really happening. Tomorrow's nothing. I have to take the car to school so that I can drive home and go out with Frans at lunch, because mom's working pretty late so she won't have the time to. In school I will have to work a lot on an assignment that is supposed to be done and sent in on Friday. I haven't really written that much on this assignment so far while basically my whole class is already done with it. Thing is - I work better with some kind of time pressure. Like, I get more motivated to actually finish the shit that I am doing. Also I, somehow, get more motivation. I don't know why, to some people it is weird, but to me it is reality. I honestly suck at planning stuffs and keeping up with a time schedule. I am a time optimistic.

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I have been chilling this whole day. The weather has not been the best so I haven't really felt like going out. Usually I always make sure to do something but yeah, like I said, when the weather's bad so is the idea of doing something.

I have been playing some Playstation and I watched some movies but that's about it. Also I figured that I might should text T and see if he's alright because we have not been talking for over a week, and we used to talk every single day. Even though it truly hurts, the fact that we're not talking, I think it's for the best, because he deserves so much more. He truly is a special person, this one in a million one - but I am not. We used to talk about so much and I have told him things no one else knows. But I have always also felt like I am taking up so much of his time, which I've told him and he is only denying it. But deep down I know that he will be happier without our contact. Because I just know. How ever, I decided to just ask if he is alright, and yes, I know it's a stupid thing to do when you want someone to move on but, I just don't know.

How ever I just feel like that chapter of my life is over now, I just simply have to start another one. Thing is, he still is an important person, and he will always be wether he wan to be or not.

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​Right now I am sitting right infant of the oven, waiting for it to preheat so that I, eventually, can eat my pizza. My hair is tied in a bun at the back of my head and I'm wearing my favorite "chilling"-clothes. It's pretty cold outside (and inside too) so I also have like four layers of clothes on. After I've eaten I'm going to see a friend of mine and we are going to do something during the rest of this day. Clock is not much yet but you know, time goes fast when you're doing something fun (and meaningful) in life. 

About the title of this post. Yes, it's true. I am rarely home these days. I always have something planned and I can never say no to people and their plans. For example, if someone calls or texts me, asking me to come do something with them - I can't say no. It doesn't matter if I want to do it or not I just can't say no to people. I don't know if it's bad or good really. My mom thinks it's annoying sometimes because she often refers me to be "too nice" (sometimes). How ever I am trying to change this patters and these habits I've got myself into. 

This Sunday is my birthday by the way. I don't feel like celebrating it because it just reminds me of how bad everything in my life is. It is like as if everything I touch, or everything that I do, just turns into complete trash and shit. My birthday is nothing to celebrate anymore. I am beyond grateful to those who actually remember my birthday, but I just don't want to make such a big deal out of it. I mean, it's my birthday every year. Also, think about how many people have their birthday today. Also it just makes me so sad every year when it is my birthday because it just reminds me of how bad my relation to all of my family members actually are. I don't see my dad anymore, my grandmother and grandfather. I don't meet my sisters often either. And all of this makes me so sad. If I could wish one thing it would be to have my family completed - good contact and relations to everyone. I miss them so much, and I miss my childhood even more. Because everything was as good as it could possibly be back then. 

This year will be a little different though than others. I will celebrate my birthday in Stockholm. I am going to see Mall Of Scandinavia for the first time. Though I am very nervous I am also hopeful, I wish it will be a good day. 

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​I was supposed to write my first post yesterday, but I was working the whole day and when I got home I completely forgot all about it. How ever I will try my very best to update this blog as much as I can. 

There are not many people in this world who know that writing is the only way for me to really express myself. I mean, I can talk about things in person too but writing is just so much easier. I don't really know if I would ever be able to actually say all of the things that I am writing to someone. I have always, ever since I was little, been writing. When I was a kid I wrote notebook after notebook full with things that I had done. It was kind of calming so it became a good contrast to my otherwise stressful life. Thing is, I was good at writing. While my classmates were struggling with writing a fictional text in school I sat by my desk and wrote everything so fluently. Expressing while writing has always been so natural. I would definitely not consider myself as "the best" but you know, I'm pretty good at writing. 

I honestly don't know what this blog will contain at the moment. I will probably just write what ever comes to my mind and along the way you'll get to know me better. I'm not good at introductions by the way so don't expect one. And also my english might not be the best, I don't know if you've already noticed it but just to clear those question marks I'm from Sweden - originally. I was born in Sweden but then happened to move around a little before ending up here in the UK. Maybe I'll write another blogpost about that someday when I feel like doing so. 

But for now this post will have to do. ​

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