Part 3.. I don't know how many more posts I'll write about this since I have no interest in doing so anymore. I have no interest in talking about him, I have no interest in dreaming about him, I don't even have any interest in thinking about him. He is history. He is in my past. I have no interest in re-living my past day in and day out. I have no interest in him.
It is like I have accepted it. It's like I have accepted the fact that he wasn't ready to be a father, it's like I have accepted the fact that I will be raising our son by myself. It is like I have accepted that he didn't want what I wanted - a family. It is like I have accepted it all. As if I'm just letting him live his life they way he wants to live it, to party and to sleep around. I think the biggest trigger to this acceptance is the fact that he is not someone I would want my son to look up to. I want my son to look up to someone, a real man, who knows how to treat a lady. Someone who knows the value of family and how to cherish and care for one, someone who would never break a family apart. I want him to look up to someone, a man, who would never choose a party over his pregnant girlfriend nor his newborn child. I want my son to look up to a real man and unfortunately his father is not someone I want my son to have as a role model. I do not want him to be anything like his father, he is so much better than him already. I will make sure he will always be.
Brandon is an amazing little boy, he truly is. He is so happy and full of life. He loves the sound of his own voice, he loves to jump up and down and to dance. He is a great eater, he always wants to eat by himself and he can hold his own sippy cup. He loves swings and most of the days we walk the other way home from our daily walks just so he can swing and so I can see that beautiful smile of his shine once more. His smile could light up a room, it's a very cheeky smile, as if he just played a trick on you. He plays like mad and goes crazy with his toys. Every day when we eat by the dinner table, he sits up in his high chair and throws the toys down the floor and then stares at them as if he wonders how they got there. He "waters the floor" every day at breakfast, he holds his sippy cup down the side of his chair and then swings it back and forth as if he is watering the floor for it to grow. He shouts of excitement and loves to be loud. If laughs could heal, his would heal the world. It would end wars, cure diseases and end world hunger. His laugh is the best laugh in the entire world and I make sure I hear it several times a day. Every morning he wakes up happy and excited - he looks at me with the biggest smile, gives me lots of cuddles and then starts playing with his feets. He is still a bit shy around other people, but he is starting to recognise my friends. He waves at everything and claps his hands. He holds his cotton play ball with one hand and then throws is, as if he knows sports run in his blood. I have taken him to the beach and to my friends pool several times and he loves it there, so much to look at and he loves to splash in the water. He loves the nature and is interested in everything around him, especially while sitting in his buggy. He gets annoyed when he can't grab a spot in a pattern on clothes or on the floor. He sometimes grabs my face and attacks it with kisses and sucks on it/"bites" it. He smiles at the mirror when he sees the two of us in it. He has just gotten first tooth and there are more on the way. He wants everything I eat and always, always, grabs the glass when I'm drinking something. He can take his own nappy off. He is learning to crawl and gets frustrated when he can't go anywhere. He loves to kick, his feet and legs are always going in fast speed and if you lie next to him he will kick you. He loves body contact, he always wants either a leg or an arm on me. He loves books and gets excited when he sees them, sometimes when we read he starts talking in his own language as if he is reading too. He has got the kindest eyes. He can pull the funniest faces.
He is my kind of perfection.
He is the most amazing little boy and I could go on and on about him. He is my son and I couldn't be more proud of him. Seeing him grow up is my true blessing in life and I won't waste one second of it.
He is who he is because of me. I am making sure he is happy, I am making sure he eats well and that I put the right kinds of food down his belly. I care about what I put on his body too, he had bad eczema before but since I have started using a natural brand all of his eczema is gone. It is a brand they only sell in the UK and I asked his father to send new ones because we are running out of them, the lotion and the baby wash, but he wouldn't do it. He wondered why I couldn't just get any other brand for him to use. I care about my sons skin, his father clearly doesn't. I bought the body care products for Brandon online with a £20 shipping fee just because his father is selfish enough not to send anything for his son.
He is growing up and his father is missing out on that just because he chose a different life than to live his life with us. There is nothing that I can do about that than to accept it.
I know I post a lot of pictures of Brandon, it's my way of letting his father know what we do every day and for him to see his son grow up. I have no idea if he looks at them but at least I know that I do what I can, even though he has no interest in our family. The funny thing is, he never, not once, mentioned our family as an important part of his life. That's another way for me to know that we never mattered. But it's ok. Brandon has got me and I have got Brandon. This is by far the best family I could ever dream about. My son and I. My goal in life was to have a proper family, for my children to know that their parents really love each other, and I will always think of it, but for now, it's time to set a new goal. My son saved my life. Seeing my son smile every day reassures me that I am doing the right thing.
My sons father and grandmother praise to everyone that they're good people, that they do good things. They fool every person around them, including me. I am the biggest fool in this.
I wrote a message to my sons grandmother and she said she couldn't be bothered to read it all. That says exactly what I am to them, unworthy. Nothing I say or do will ever matter to any of them, nothing I say or do will ever be good enough for them. They have this idea in their heads that they're better than me, especially because I am young. They always bring up the fact that I am young. I know I am younger than him, and obviously her, but what does that mean? Why does that matter? Does it mean that I won't be able to look after my son? Does it mean that I won't be able to make the best decisions for him? Does it mean that I won't be capable of raising him? Does that mean I won't be able to do everything in my power to make sure he has a good life? Does it mean that I don't know a thing about life? What does it mean? That I'm young. Or is it because I haven't got a degree? That I didn't have the best jobs? What is it? I know my age, I am not stupid like they seem to think I am, but that doesn't mean I want to live my life like any other 23 year old woman. They are not better than me because I am younger than them.
They broke me down, every inch of my body, every inch of my mind. I hated myself. I hated life. They got to me, their words, their actions. They fully broke me down. My sons grandmother claimed that all they did was to love me. Let me stop her right there. No, no they didn't. All they did was to call me miserable and unable to be happy. I wasn't happy because of them. Because of the constant reassurance of not being worthy, of not being good enough, not old enough, not pretty enough, not kind enough, not well dressed, not fun enough, not being a good mother. I was put down by them more than they will ever realise. Yes they came to see me when I had to stay in hospital multiple times, either because of my kidneys or because of pregnancy. But they probably just did it to show the doctors that they "cared" because any other day when I wasn't at the hospital they didn't care one single bit. Maybe it was fun for them to see me being ill so they could, yet again, reassure themselves that they were in fact better than me, stronger than me.
Believe me when I say that I know about life, I know life can be horrible sometimes, but that only means that I won't have my son go through anything that I went through. I am not stupid, I am by far more clever than they'll ever know I am, but just because I don't have a degree to show it or because of my age, I will always be a stupid young girl in their eyes. That's ok, we all know who is doing the one thing that matter in this. Brandon. I am raising him, who are they to talk down on me? I have had enough of their judgements and bullshit lies, I have had enough of them. Go fool someone else and ruin someone else's life. It's all fun and games until people will realise who they truly are.
I'll sip my tea.
I just want to be happy in life, I know his father does too. If breaking our family apart for him to live a life of partying and sleeping around is what makes him happy, then so be it. I just wish he will grow up one day. He is getting old.