Thinking Out Loud

Walking Dream and Sleeping Life


​​i must've been about 23 when i packed up all my belongings and headed to utah to become a truck driver. i don't know what compelled me, well i do but i don't want to say. i was trying to make my family proud of me but i had no idea what i was getting myself into. the first few days i sat in a class staring at the walls and daydreaming. then on the third day, we had a test. WTF???!! i didn't know they were going to test us on the bullshit we sat through!! after my little heart attack, i somehow passed the test. i don't even remember if the test was on a computer or written. what i do remember is going to the thrift store and waiting and killing time while i shopped. i want to live in the present but my brain kept taking me to the past. i don't how to function in the present unless i am on some form of medicine. you have to remember, the light is blinking. my dog is looking around at her feet. she is adorable. my sister got her for me when i was really sad. i didn't understand why she wanted me to be happy. i used to be happy. tony was alive and i felt like he was there with me when i failed when i fell off the wagon. you see i made a promise with him when we were younger but i don't remember why i fell off the wagon. i mean i think he would've probably fell off the wagon too. i mean the mentally ill are not mentally ill. they just know what it means to truly live in the moment in my head i know how to type sometimes i feel sad and it's because i live in the past. i remember being you and impressionable and i wish tony was here but he is not. we are all human but we don't know how to recall everything that has happened. you see when i only smart when i'm overdosing on drugs because if i don't then i can't live in the moment. i the light is blinking in my room. oh, my goodness. this is, ripley is making noise but i can't understand why it's so quiet in here. the worse i get the better i can function. you see when i thing of books on my shelf, i remember what he said when we were at the mall. they were playing Mazzy Star and mockingly said..."they want us to commit suicide with these plastic knives." no one understand me when i am in my head. my hands feel good when i can feel them. when i was young...i was molested by my father. he knew that i trusted him and he knew it was wrong but he didn't care. well one day my mom came home and he had just finished doing what he always did. i was so scared that i never said anything but the entire family found out about it and i didn't want to be here anymore. this is how people live...they think i understand what are talking about but they don't. when i was a truck driver i knew what i was about to embark on an adventure that would change my life. my cell phone is charging. jack didn't know that what a cell phone is. jack is my hero and i failed him. one day i will make him proud. ripley understands me because she smarter than they are. my family doesn't know that i was overdosing on my meds to be here, with them. to understand that my fingers are moving, i must say things out loud. it's getting harder and harder to live right now. if i want to remember a movie, i just do. ifi can operate in the past or right now in the present. tribblez is acting like an annoying brat. i want to let him out but he will make a mess. i know how to jusmp from now to then. i guess i'm much i know how others see the world. you'll wake frances up. she wants me to sleep but my brain doesn't want to go to sleep. my room has two banana peels and that means that i can feed them. no ripley, don't chase tribblez. the reason the colors are changing is because i am thinking they are. i put shoes one yesterday to go for a walk. no one knew but i did it anyway. the typewriter is in my room. i can't believe i dropped the broom. we are here right now. i keep forgetting how to live here. my shoes are black and i just finished watching suv. ripley continues to run around my room while tribblez is out of his kennel. the carrots on my desk seem to annoy me. i snapped my fingers and she still didn't listen to me. when i look at my book i can see that some are red and some are white. now i have to pick up your mess. he isn't here but i wish he was. when i say he i am talking about my brother. years after my mother found out about my father abusing me, she took us away from him. ripley won't listen to me. she runs around while my bunny doesn't. i was scared that my mom and brother would blame me for destroying the family. when i was walking today i felt the sun and i knew how to walk. my mom had to keep us away from him. sometimes i wonder if he knew what he was doing. after years of being in the shelter. we finally got an apartment. it was awesome. we lived upstairs and everything was fine. nothing was backwards because i understood how to be a kid. that is something i forgot when my brother passed away. he knew what he was doing. we grew up together and we knew more than we know do today. when i say today i mean that we as people. i kissed ripley and that wasn't in my childhood. that was just now. i'm hoping that my family understands me. anyway, we were going to live our lives together. but his life was cut short like in the movie walk the line. the part when his brother is dying always makes me cry. sometimes i live the story in my head and it was me actually me and my brother. i mean we were supposed grow up together. one time my mom came home and the whole apartment was reorganized. tony was in elementary and he know how to reorganize the furniture. today i fell down today and my knees are scraped up. i was wrapping up because it is cold in here. my mom told him that he was going to be a designer. i can close my eyes and see everything in the room. i have to record all that i'm doing so i won't forget. ok, tony was very young when he figured out the secret to life. i was so traumatized that i stayed as a baby mentally until the next trauma happened. tony was always by my side, no matter what happened to me i knew i could count on him to keep my secrets. if i did something i was not proud of, then i would tell tony and he would hold me and tell me that everything will be ok. he was right and wrong. i wish i could've been there when he took his first steps. he must've been a cute little baby. i knew him when i was a baby and he taught me all i needed to know. there was no reason to be scared because he was near me.

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