Why am I always away when someone close to me gets married?

It´s a mistery unsolved, It´s like if I had a hidden aversion to weddings. I couldn´t be at Elvira's, Paola's weddings because I was in South East Asia trying to get away from everyone and everything.

In August my cousin Maria is getting married for the second time in Asturias and Jennyfer will take that step as well but I will not be attending neither of those weddings because I will be moving to London.

I was supposed to go to a wedding with Jacques but I didn´t make it because we broke up before that time. Is the universe telling me something? Is my energy so closed to love or being loved in return that apparently a mistic force is dimissing or banishing me from love celebrations?

Will someone ever put a ring on my finger?

I remember when I was a girl that I never wanted to grow up, I had the feeling that life got boring when you turned 30 years old. Perhaps I never saw my parents in loved and I was refused to end up in a relationship like theirs. I didn´t see any excitement about being a mom, cooking for your husband and kids, cleaning the house and watching TV. I wanted something deeper than that, I travel the world, study a master degree, falling in love deeply and figure out what making love was all about.

I never liked the idea of the spotlight on the bride, the beautiful dress and hundred of guests to share the love celebration. In fact I never liked my mexican family, I found them arrogant and cold. What was the poing of inviting people that I didn´t like to my wedding? Why should I pretend I was popular when I wasn´t? Or to like them? To invite aunts that were nothing but classy and pretty, they knew the price of everything but the value of nothing. I never saw many love affection demostrations at my grandmother house, in fact I was impressed when I saw my aunt Pipi kissing sensually my auncle Carlos. I think I was close to 9 years old when I saw them and I felt ackward of seeing that sexy love demostration infront of me. I never saw my parents kissing each other, perhaps I thought that all marriages should be like theirs and I got shocked when I saw real passion in another married couple

Perhaps there´s no love withouth appreciation. People have loved me and I have loved back few guys, but in my case it hasn´t last. I have felt passion, appreciation, caring instincts but not everything what it takes to marry someone. Will I ever be the bride? Will I ever found my soul mate and a soul mate who wants to marry me?

Today I know I am not ready but unexpected things happen all the time. I would ike to know what making love is all about, not just sex, but being in love.