November the 2nd is just a fine day to start a blog as any other day.
However, this day has a special meaning for me - I have just shipped 13 boxes to Sweden! 13... And almost all of them containing things from the girls - toys, books, cds, bicycles, play kitchen, doll's house, diapers (as if there were no diapers in Sweden!!!) and so on... and just a few things of my own! One or two boxes, I believe... It is true I am leaving most of my books, cds, photos, for now, behind. Could it mean none of those will be needed? Or could it be due to the fact that we are not selling our Lisbon house, and the idea of leaving it empty is somehow haunting... But in a deep, deep corner of my mind I believe it also works as a safety net... knowing we will have a place to return to.
Probably one day I will write about the 13 boxes! And the safety net...
It was only today I became fully aware that this change will really happen. In fact, it has already started!!! OMG
It is true we have been discussing this move for quite a long time. I believe a year, now. But one thing is when it is just hopes and dreams. We talk, we imagine, and we even make plans. Plans that we know are built on those dreams, so we never really give them neither the credit, nor the power for them to grow, to evolve.
And now, here I am, facing this new and somehow overwhelming change in my life.
It took me about four days to pack everything I had put aside to be shipped. Four days also trying to understand what I was feeling inside. Trying to figure out whether I was also leaving a part of me behind. And all I could feel was numbness. Probably because I was too afraid to admit the only present feeling was a practical need to have everything packed and ready by the time the moving company arrived. Or was my disconnection a symptom of anything else?
There was one day when I forced myself to stop, to allow myself to express whatever it was being held inside. To confront myself with any feeling, whatever it was. Some tears ended up falling, but it seemed my tears where just there because it was expected to, as if any person moving abroad should experience the sorrow and the fear of leaving everything (or almost) behind to start a new life from scratch. But why should it be like that? Why should I feel a hole inside? Why should I hold myself to that sadness? It is scary. For sure! I would be lying to say I do not fear this. I would be lying not to admit I ask myself quite often that "what if it does not work" question. But for some unknown reason, I keep moving without looking behind, without being swallowed up by any defeatist idea or attitude of that sort.
Sometimes life reaches that point when the everyday routines tend to overtake everything, so the focus remains only on trying to get every single item on the day list done, as well as to stay alive and get to the next day, and the next, and the next... And it gets boring and dull and uninteresting.
The idea of waking up one day feeling a sudden inner change does not really work. Not for me at least. Because I believe it is a process, and it takes time to grow and, in the end, to reveal itself. Like a gestation period. It is true sometimes a day comes when we just want to scream "I am done with this!", but for me, that is just an expression of that inner gestational process announcing itself. And the day will come when it becomes much clearer that the process is reaching towards its term.
So I think my numbness and disconnection really are a part of this new life growing inside of me. This new self. Which means the old gave way to the new. And it feels right.
So now the attitude , instead of being extremely loud, anxious and trying to be perfect and to control everything, as it was before, has gradually became a much more quiet and peaceful one. Just allowing to embrace whatever comes and appreciating the way there, by being, mostly, patient and flexible.
Which means the time came when I am able to say, over and out!