Wow. I cannot believe the response I have received from my first post! I am truely blown away from all the love and support I have received, thank you!
It's the inboxes of people expressing their gratitude of someone speaking out and them knowing their not alone that is the reason I decided to post these blogs. I'm glad I've been able to shed even the tiniest bit of light for some people.
I do want to continue on with my story and explain how I got from where I was to where I am now!
After I had well and truely hit rock bottom and decided I needed to get back to the land of the living, I moved out of 'our' house and into my own. I was pretty lucky that I had most things needed to move out almost straight away. I can honestly say that having somewhere that was my own and not filled with memories was such a big help for me. I began going out again, spending time with old friends and making new ones. I realised it was hard for me to be with my old friends, one had a newborn, another had just got married and the third was in a new exciting relationship! I was so far from any of that, that it hurt me to be around them. So once again, I began to cut myself off from them. I knew what I was doing was awful, but I knew for me that it's what I needed to do to keep moving forward. Thankfully, when I finally did reconnect with them again, they were very supportive of me and my situation.
The more I hung out with my 'new' friends, the more I saw my old self coming back. I began to stop caring about what others thought of me, said about me and other peoples opinions in general really!
Until something so majorly heartbreaking happened. I'm not going to go into the details, but it was something that shook me so far to the core that I felt like i was back at square one. The self doubt, feeling worthless, all of it. It was as though I hadn't made any progress over those 3 months. I couldn't function. My body ached, my mind was numb.
Work went back to being a struggle but being surrounded by my amazing work friends is what got me through the day. If it looked as though I was getting lost in my own thought, my dear friend would always pull me back by cracking a joke or simply telling me I was going to be ok. I know I've thanked you numerous times, but you really are one of my saving graces Sue!!! So thank you so much, for everything.
The Christmas school holidays came around and I was working around at Penneshaw. Being out of Kingscote was a huge help for me, it gave me time to think and clear my head. I began going for walks along the beach in the mornings and some nights. I realised that if I didnt go, I was grumpy and an awful person to be around. This was the breaking point for me. I noticed that I felt better so when school came back and I was home in Kingscote, I started going walking a couple of times a week. I went to the doctor and explained that I felt like i was ready to cut back my antidepressants. So we cut them in half, from 150mg to 75mg. If you've ever been on the awful things you'd know that it's a huge step down. I began to feel even better, like a fog had been lifted away from overhead.
I was so proud of myself and the more psychologist appointments I went to, the more we decided that I was ready to come off the tablets completely. Here we are, May 2017 and I'm no longer on antidepressants, exercise is my best friend (thanks to all my amazing gym buddies who make me go even when I'm not up for it) and I am the happiest I've been in many many years. I am happy within my own self and don't rely on anyone for everything anymore, just somethings. I feel confident enough within myself to go out for a coffee and sit there alone without thinking to myself, everyone's looking at me, they're thinking I'm a loner etc etc. I go to the gym, take my dog walking and am no longer afraid of being judged. I just simply do not care about what others think of me anymore. I'm at the point in my life where I know that I am a good person and a good friend to have. I stick by my friends and stick up for them when needed. I'm compassionate and caring, truthful and reliable and will do anything for those I love. I feel as though life has put me through hell so I can rise above it all and come out a better person. It's been a heck of a fight, but im out the other side and am so grateful to be here today.
There are so many people who go through shit in their lives and consider stopping it once and for all. Out of everything that I'm proud of about myself, it's that I had the strength to stay and fight. Because believe me, there were times when I really was ready to give it all up. If you're having a hard time, especially if it is hidden away from the world, just ask yourself this; What sort of world would it be without you in it?