Once again I've written a small poem. It's not much but I really like how it turned out.


Dustybookcases and messy floors

Wiltingflowers and open doors

Smilingfaces and cups of tea

A view offorest as far as you can see

Protectedat all cost

No matterwhat is lost

A sacred dome

That is what I call home

Hope you had a good day today too.

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Right now I'm feeling completely shitty. I don't want to do anything. My grades are slipping. I don't really care about my grades. A year ago I would start studing a week before the test. Now I start the day before. I don't have the urge to do good anymore. Life feels like crap. I can't see my life after the autumn holiday cause it feels like I won't even be alive then.

It feels really strange that nobody notices. I feel worse than ever. But as long as I keep a smile on my face, I'm happy right?!? Everybodye else seems to thinks so. There's still only one person I've told about the cutting. And I know that i didn't want that to change anything between us. But I just want ONE person to ask me how I feel.

At the same time I don't want anyone to know about it. I want to keep living, if you could call what I'm doing as living, as normal as I can. Nothing about this is normal though. i know that a lot of people feel the same way but that doesn't mean it's normal.

Sorry I can't do this right now.

Just one more thing:

I am fully aware that no one reads my blog. And that's fine. That is not the point.




I'm really creative with titles aren't I?

5 months without posting. You would think that it means that I'm better. Nope. Not this time.

But, look at the bright side. School is on again. Yay.

Just kidding. School isn't that bad. It's nice to have routines again. Even if there's more pressure this year. More stress. More anxiety. But hey, no big deal. It's not all making me feel even more worthless.

Okay, time to think positive. No one close to me has died. I'm not physically sick. I have everything I need. I laugh at least once a day.

Well yeah. That's it for now.

Smell you later!

(Yes, I'm aware that it sounds ridiculous.)


Is it bad if I sometimes cry myself to sleep?

Is it bad if seeing my own blood makes me feel better?

Is it bad if I'm never sure if I'm gonna make it another week?

The answer?

F***ing hell if I know.

This is me.

I should just accept it and deal with it.

But does my brain let me?

No.It's trying to save me.

It isn't doing a very good job.




I know, the title doesn't sound depressing at all. Not one bit. Please tell me you noticed the sarcasm. If you didn't you might as well start calling yourself Drax the Destroyer. Or maybe not. People would probably take it wrong.

Back to the title. It's sounds a bit... let's say sad instead. But it's true. Because why would we live if we didn't die? Just keep on living forever? Sounds even more worse. I know there are people dying young and stuff but still. What would be the point if we just kept on living. In the end there would be nothing to do because you would have done everything. Multiple times.

Just wanted to get that out of my system.

Smell you later!




So I guess I'm going to explain the title of the blog today. It will either be long or short, but I wouldn't bet my money on the latter one. So here goes:

I'm a liar. And nobody knows that. My parents, my friends or my brothers. They all think I'm so happy and just a little bit shy. But the truth is so much bigger and so much more complicated. One of my friends told me once that I'm pretty easy to read when I'm happy. But when I'm in a negative mood she doesn't know what I think. Usually she can see exactly what I'm thinking. But not when I'm sad. And that I thank the heavens for. For if she knew, she would treat me like a fragile vase. I've more than once thought about hurting mself and sometimes I can't see any point in living. But I could never kill mysefl. At least not on purpose. If a car was driving straight for me, I probably wouldn't get out of the way. I'm too scared to kill myself. And I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to keep on living. And I'm definitely not brave enough to tell anyone. Because they would treat me differently. They would stop telling me their problems in case I would only get worse. And I don't want or need that. I need them to keep on living their life, to keep on being them. They would treat as if I'm fragile. But I'm not. I'm strong. I'm just not strong. And that's fine. Cause I can fix this by myself. I just need them to be them. Without them I'd probably already be gone. But I'm still here. Just not quite alive.

And that's that.

By the way, I need to show this awesome song I found. Its' called Tell That Devil by Jill Andrews. I just love it.

Smell you later!




This is supposed to be a post where I tell you about myself, but I'll probably wander off to som eother subject because that is what usually happens. But I can at least try. So here goes:

Like I said in the first post, I'm 17. I love books, music, videogames, animals and the list goes on and on. I hate slugs and insects in large numbers, especially ants. Spiders are fine, wasps are fine but not ants. If there's a spider in my room I let it outside.

I don't really have a favorite book or song or videogame but I have periods where I like one or two better than all the others. Right now it looks like this:

Book: I'll give you the sun by Jandy Nelson

Song: Little Talks by KHS and Kevin Olusola (originally by Of Monsters and Men)

Videogame: Assassin's Creed (all of them) and inFamous

Of course I love a lot of books, songs and videogames but these are my favorites right now.

Smell you later!




I will post all kinds of things here but mostly thoughts and poems. So let's start with a poem or two. Just a heads up: Most of my poems can be pretty depressing. But I promise that not all of them are.

For once

For once in my life I won’t give up.

I will keep on fighting until I fall down

And when I’ve done that I will rise up again as if nothing happened

Cause I won’t give up

Not now, not ever

In the darkest of day, in the brightest of night I will stand

Now and forever

But if he loses faith in me I will fall

And never will I be able to stand up again

Leave me, hurt me, kill me

But for the love of everything good and bad, don’t hurt him

If you do, I will find you and make you feel what I feel

Nothing but pain

You will beg for mercy until my soul breaks

Cause if I would do you harm

He would never forgive me, no matter how much pain you’ve caused

He thinks I’m good

He thinks I have a good soul

What would he say if he saw that my soul is as black as the bottom of the sea?

Wow, that was a long one. Maybe I should only write the shorter ones here. But what's the fun with that? Let's get on to the other one. I presnt to you: "Unnamed"! Well the anme isn't really Unnamed, I'm just to lazy to come up with a title.


I saw you on the street

You looked strange

But then you looked up

Your eyes lit up with all of the stars glow

You saw me and I saw you

I couldn't help breaking into a smile

What did I do to deserve her?

Other perspective

Breath in, breath out

Soon he's here

Just breath

There he is

All of him is just... amazing

What did I do to deserve him?

And that's it for today! I have no idea what you'll think about them. Can't read minds you know. But tell me if you want to. If they're ar good, tell me so I'll know if I should go shouting about my badass poem skills .And id they're bad please tell me. I want to get better. I want to evolve my badass poem skills. Okay that sounded really silly. But you get the idea. I think. I hope.

Smell you later!




I guess this is where I introduce myself. Or something like that.

I'm 17, I'm clumsy as I don't even know what and I'm not quite alive.

Of course, that could mean anything. That I wanna kill myself, that I'm a modern zombie or that I just like to sound deep. It's neither. Sure I like to sound deep just like the next person and it would be cool to be a zombie. (Except for the braineating thing of course.) And I like my life. But the reason is quite long so I'll go more into that some other time.

I've just realised that I use the word that a lot. It's an ugly but great word. While we're on the subject words I would like to write about the word sonder. It's such an awesome word. It's the realisation that every person you pass every day is living a life just as complex as your own. They all have different thoughts and knowledge. That's absolutely amazing. Well not to sonder, because most people do that. But that there is a word for it.

Gosh, look at the time.! I need to go now. (Not really I just want to get back to my book)

Smell you later!