As in everybody knows now, and probably tired of hearing, I started this little journey last year. A journey that was about finding out what I could do to be as happy as I could be. To find out what I needed in my life to make me as happy as possible.

In this journey I have had a lot of things to think about and I have come up with a lot of things about myself that I have being avoided or that I haven't been ready to look at.

Yesterday I felt like I finally was ready to take a step that I didn't know I was missing or didn't know I needed before I took it. I cried and I cried with the intention of accepting my past for what it had been and how it helped to create me. I cried for the version of me that needed acceptance that never got it. I cried for the version of me that needed to cry even when I never gave her permission. I cried because the version of me deserves an apologies and hug because she has been going through so much. I cried because that version of me deserves recognition, and she never got it from the person she need it from the most, myself.

Dansk

Som i alle ved nu, og sikkert er træt af høre, så startet jeg på denne lille rejse sidste år. En rejse som handlet om at jeg skulle finde ud hvad jeg kunne gøre for at være så glad som jeg nu kunne blive, hvad jeg havde brug for i mit liv til at gøre mig så lykkeligt som muligt.

I denne rejse så har jeg haft en masse ting at tænke på, og jeg har kommet frem til en del ting om mig selv som jeg har undgået, eller som jeg ikke har været klart til at se i øjne.

I går følte jeg at jeg endeligt var klar til at tage et skridt som jeg ikke vidste jeg manglet eller ikke vidste at jeg havde brug for, før jeg tog det. Jeg græd, og jeg græd med intentionen at acceptere min fortid for hvad den havde været, og hvordan den har hjulpet med at skabe mig. Jeg græd for den version af mig, som havde brug for accept som aldrig fik den. Jeg græd for den version af mig som havde brug for at græde som jeg aldrig gave hende lov til. Jeg græd fordi den version af mig fortjener en undskyldning, og kram fordi hun har holdt ud i så langt tid. Jeg græd fordi at den version af mig fortjener anerkendelse, og hun fik den aldrig fra den person hun havde bruge for det mest, nemlig mig selv.

I never felt enough and I always tried to hide it or change it, or ignore it, and instead, that part of me grew bigger and bigger, and started to create bigger uncertainty in myself. Because at the end, I can't help but think, "For whom, was I not enough for?". Was it for me that I wasn't enough African? Not enough Danish?, beautiful? clever? funny? Skinny? for whom did my voice not mean enough? for whom was I not enough?

When I look back at all the things I don't think I was enough, it wasn't myself I was looking for recognition, so I was looking for recognition in everyone else around me, and in their definition of enough, I was never enough in their definition of being "enough" and what it required for me, I never had a chance. Cause everyones definition is always gonna be different.

I wasn't only looking for recognition among family or friends, no I was looking for recognition among those who didn't want me, those who had already judged me to fail, those who didn't think I deserved recognition, those who had already decided who I was before I had an opinion on who I wanted to be. .

Dansk

Jeg følte mig aldrig nok, og jeg prøvet altid at skjule det, og ændre det, eller ignorer det, og i stedet for så blev den del af mig større og større, og skabte en større usikkerhed. Fordi i sidste enden så kan jeg ikke lade være med at tænke: “for hvem, var jeg ikke nok for?”. Var det for mig selv at jeg ikke var nok afrikansk? nok dansk? sjov? Sundt? smuk? klog? at min stemme ikke betød nok? for hvem var jeg ikke nok?

Når jeg kigger tilbage på alle de ting jeg ikke synes jeg var nok, så var det ikke mig selv jeg ledte efter anerkendelse, så ledte jeg efter anerkendelse i alle andre omkring mig, og i deres definitionen af nok, så var jeg aldrig nok, i deres definitionen at hvad det krævet for mig, så havde jeg aldrig en chance. Fordi alle har forskellige versioner af hvad nok betyder for dem.

Jeg ledte kun ikke efter anerkendelse blandt familie eller venner, nej jeg ledte efter anerkendelse blandt dem som ikke ville have mig, dem som allerede havde dømte mig til at fejle, dem som ikke synes jeg fortjente anerkendelse, dem som allerede havde bestemte sig for hvem jeg var, før jeg havde en mening om hvem jeg ville være.

So I didn't cry because I was feeling sorry for myself, or because I hated myself, but because that version of me was looking for recognition in the wrong places. That version of me never got recognition for the person who was most important to get recognition for and that is myself.

I never told the version of myself that in all those years that I didn't think she was enough, she was more than enough. She is much more than enough for herself and for the people who are important to her. So I cried because sometimes tears are a good thing, it's symbols of recognition. I finally got to recognize the sides of myself that I have been trying to suppress for so long. The side of myself that I have hated in the past, that part that I always tried to forget. I felt as if I gave myself a hug for every time I recognized a part of myself, to discover that there was actually a lot of shit I went through in my life, and it was perfectly okay to not be able to recognize it all one time.

It's not because this happened over a day that I recognized myself, it took me a long time to get there, and to be honest, it took me longer to find out there was so much to myself that I have never acknowledged, that I have never responded to, as if I have just put it in a small box and just closed it, hoping that no one would ever ever mention those things in the boxes. I'm slowly open those box, and starting to learning about

Dansk

Så jeg græd, ikke fordi jeg havde ondt af mig selv, ikke fordi jeg hadet mig selv, men fordi at den version af mig havde ledte efter anerkendelse de forkerte steder. Den version af mig fik aldrig anerkendelse for den personen som var vigtigste at får anerkendelse for, og det er mig selv.

Jeg fortalte aldrig den version af mig selv, som i alle de år ikke troede at hun var nok, at hun er mere end nok. Hun er meget mere end nok for sig selv og for de mennesker som er vigtige for hende. Så jeg græd, fordi at nogle gang så er tårer en god ting, det er symbols på anerkendelse. Jeg fik endelig anerkendte de sider af mig selv, som jeg har prøvet at undertrykke i så langt tid. De sider af mig selv, som jeg har hadet før i tiden, som jeg altid prøvet at glemme. Jeg havde det som om jeg gave mig selv et kram for hvergang jeg anerkendt en del af mig selv, for at opdage at der faktisk var en del shit jeg gennemgik i mit liv, og det var helt i orden at ikke kunne anerkende det hele på engang.

Det er ikke fordi at dette skete over en dag, at jeg anerkendte mig selv, det tog mig langt tid at nå hertil, og for at være ærligt, så tog det mig længere tid at finde ud af der var så meget ved mig selv som jeg aldrig har anerkendte, som jeg aldrig har reageret på, som jeg bare har sat en lille boks, og bare lukket den, og håbet på at ingen aldrig nogensinde ville nævne de ting i de bokse.

I used to wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares, or panic attack, and I would lie in my bed try to calm myself down and try to fall a sleep again .. I used to be so angry at myself, because I was afraid of sleeping again, I was afraid of the nightmares.. I was afraid that they would come again.. I used to be so angry because I wasn’t sleeping when everyone was. I used to feel ashamed cause I just couldn’t sleep, and if I could, I would end with waking up.

I still can’t sleep at night sometimes. it is easier than it used to, but I don’t get angry when I have nightmares more, I not afraid of sleeping anymore, and most importen, I’m not ashamed anymore.

I just watched the sky turn from black, too pink, with the moon still up and I enjoyed it. It was beautiful.. The sky was changing colors, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how many times I have missed the colors of the sky? miss the opportunity to just relax and enjoy the view and not being so hard on my self? I’m trying, and that is what should be importen.

So now I’m sitting in a bed, and watching the beautiful pink sky, and the moon, and my heart is full.. My heart is full with a bit of love, and bit of surprised, cause honestly.. I never thought that I would come to a place in my life, where I could just enjoy the view and just be.

Maybe some day I will wake up to pink sky, and not stay up to one.. But right know, I’m just so damn proud of myself, for having patient to wait for myself to see the world turn pink, and not giving up when I wanted to.

Danish

Jeg plejet at vågne op i midten af natten fra mareridt eller panik anfald og jeg ville ligge i min seng og prøve at slappe af, og prøve på at falde i seng igen. Jeg plejet at være så sur på mig selv fordi jeg var bange for at falde i søvn igen. Jeg var bange for at mareridtene. Jeg plejet at være så vred fordi jeg ikke sov når alle andre sov. Jeg skammet mig så meget fordi jeg ikke kunne sove.

Jeg kan stadige ikke sove nogen gang, ellers så falder jeg i søvn og vågner med endnu et mareridt. Det er lettere end det plejet at været, og jeg bliver ikke længere vred når jeg har mareridt mere, jeg er ikke længere bange for at sove mere, og det vigtigste er at jeg ikke længere skammer mig.

Jeg har lige set skyen ændret sig fra sort, til lyserød, og månen var stadige op og jeg nød det. Det var smukt. Skyen som ændre farver, og kunne ikke lade være med at tænke, på alle de muligheder hvor jeg har mistet på at lægge mærke til farven på skyerne. Mistet muligheden for at bare slappe af og nyde synet og ikke være så hård mod mig selv. Jeg prøver og det er det som er vigtig.

Så nu sidder jeg i min seng og ser på den smukke lyserøde sky og månen, og mit hjerte er fyld. Mit hjerte er fyldt med en smule af kærlighed og smule overraskelse fordi jeg ærligt ikke troede at jeg nogensinde ville komme til det sted i mit liv hvor jeg bare kunne nye det syn, og bare være.

Det kan være at jeg en dag vil vågne op til en lyserød sky og ikke være vågne til en, men lige nu så er jeg bare stolt af mig selv for at have så meget tålmodighed for mig selv til at se verden ændres sig til pink og ikke give op da jeg kunne.