Hello hello. I hope you are all keeping up well and slowly preparing for christmas. I am nearly mid way through the second trimester and I cannot even begin to explain how much I am looking forward to christmas this year, maybe it is the growing bump and the fact that next year will be P's first christmas outside the womb :)

Besides that, I have been feeling okay most days. We had our 20 week scan and our daughter looked perfect, it was so amazing to see her again. Technically we have seen her grow since she was 6 weeks old and about 6mm big. Now she looks like a proper baby (although still very small), she was rubbing her eyes and chilling, showing us her bum as she has done every scan.

My hospital offers an additional check during the anomaly scan that is called a doppler ultrasound, where they check the blood flow from the placenta to the baby and compare it to thousands of other babies and give an estimate of how well or bad the baby is getting blood and oxygen from the placenta. I won't go in to details yet as I still don't know much about how this ultrasound works, in terms of the results. I will know tomorrow because I requested to speak to a consultant to find out more.

Being pregnant and learning about the baby's development in the womb is a TOTAL different story and journey than what you'd ever expect, especially when it is the first time. There are also so many different opinions and research being done that can be quite daunting. I will write about my experience regarding the scans and my hospital when I am further along in my pregnancy and have more content, at this stage I feel it is too early for me to give an opinion.

Anyways, I have been feeling quite tense in my back and shoulders recently. I am not sleeping that well at the moment, either, trying to only sleep on my left side as it is recommended, combined with X amount of toilet visits through out the night, a growing belly and a bed that suddenly seems way too small for two people. So instead of buying a new bed (which is on the list), I booked myself in for a pregnancy massage at home this evening. Wow! I loved every second of it and feel so much more relaxed now, the tension in my back and shoulders is gone and I hope I will have a good night sleep.

As the masseuse was packing up to leave, she asked me what I look forward to the most about becoming a mother. I have never been asked that question and it took me a bit by surprise, I am not going to lie.

What am I looking forward to the most?

In my opinion, it is such a big question to ask and I am unsure if there is a single answer to that question. Becoming a parent is nothing like anything else I can imagine.

It is not like becoming a homeowner, or getting that job you've always wanted. It is so different. When you think about your life and what you'd like to achieve, you set some goals right? Take clear action and do what you can to bring yourself closer to the achieving your goal. You visualise already having/being/doing what your goal is and if anyone would ask you long the way, why or what you look forward to the most, you will probably have a very specific answer. That answer is probably most likely your driving force behind the desire to get there.

But becoming a parent, a mother, is just so different. I can't think of a single thing that stands out more than the others, that I am looking forward to the most. I suppose the idea of bringing a child into the world who's half me and half the person I love, is just magical. I often wonder what of me she'll have and what of her will be her dad? Or if she will be totally different. What will be her place in the world? I am so intrigued to get to know her and be there for her as her mother while she goes through life.

I can't wait to hold her for the first time and to breastfeed her. I look forward to just BE with her. To see the world through her eyes. To watch her learn how to crawl, speak, walk. Hear her little footsteps in the hallway. Ja, so many things!

I look forward to being P's mother, in all its glory. But I am also looking forward to being tested by her, will I be the kind of mother I think I will be or not? I know for sure that it is not all rosey and precious being a parent, probably the opposite. But that is also such a huge part of it, It is not just about the perfect and calm moments that makes it what it is, no it is also about those moments that might catch you by surprise and push you out of your comfort zone.

I don't know, her question took me by surprise and I got this urge to write about it.

If you have an answer to this question, let me know. I'd love to hear it!

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