I was not the type of person to tell people about my feelings, or tell them about the things I was going through. In 2016 I started to write a diary. I wrote diary almost every single day, and it helped me express those suppressed emotions that I have never dealt with. Writing diary forced me to confront those feelings and allow them to come to surface. I thought I was going nuts because it was so overwhelming, and a lot to deal with.

Writing helped me to allow those emotions and trauma I have avoided to deal with to come to surface. It helped me understand the connection between those emotions I have not dealt with and my decision-making. It really surprised me that there was a significant connection because I never thought it had any connection at all. My decision-making was purely based on my emotions, and those emotions came from a broken place.

Writing allowed me to free myself from past trauma, and past emotions. It helped me to think about my actions, and my decision-making. Through writing I discovered about conscious living. It is to be conscious about everything in your life. Conscious about your actions, your habits, your words, your decisions, your emotions, your surroundings etc. It has given me contentment in my daily life. It has freed me from all of the things that had negative impact on me, and the things that used to drag me and withhold me from reaching my potential.

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The last couple of days, I have received anonymous comments from a coward who wants me to shut up about my pain and my story. I had to realize what blogging came with. It is a good platform to share your thoughts and experiences, but it also opens doors of criticism. And I had to re-think my intentions for this blog.
I do not owe anyone any explanation for why I choose to share my experiences, and I do not expect understanding or validation from anyone. I validate myself, and I have accepted my past. I am not ashamed in one bit. After all, I have two beautiful daughters, so there was some goodness that came from that relationship. I stayed for as long as I stayed for two reasons:
1. It was written for me to stay that long.
2. I was building myself up so when the time was right to leave so I didn’t regret leaving.
Let me explain this part, I had no high school diploma, I never worked and I had no qualifications to get a job. I need to educate myself so I can get a job. I worked hard and got my high school diploma and I applied for uni. And Alhamdulilah, I am studying now.

So, anyone trying to use my past against me can re-think sh*t again. I am proud of my past, because it made me become the woman and mother I am today. I am better person because of it. I have learned about myself, what I will accept and not accept. I am better not bitter!

To many woman are shamed for their past (i.e staying with an abusive man) but I will tell you, do not feel ashamed! You couldn’t have ever known that he would have turned to be this awful person, and you are not at fault for anything. You didn’t know better, but when you knew better - you did better. You wiped your tears and walked out of that door. And it takes a strong person to leave and not look back. Let whoever who wants to speak about you speak. If you need to keep telling your story, honey keep on sharing. It is your story and no one can take that away from you. Wear that proudly!

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Postpartum depression is a REAL thing. It happens to women after giving birth, and there is different of levels of it. Some cases are worst than others. And it can sometimes last anywhere from weeks to months, and that is normal. In some cultures, they do not actually believe in postpartum depression, and you will hear all kind of crazy stories about it. Postpartum depression is a real thing, and you are not weird or crazy. 1 in 10 moms get postpartum (2013 study).

I experienced postpartum after I gave birth to my daughters. It was worse after I gave birth to my oldest one. I was sad all the time, and I could not understand why I was feeling this way. I was blessed with a bundle of joy, this should be the happiest time of my life but I was not. I wanted to be happy like everybody else, what is wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way? Why cant I connect with my daughter? Why cant I love my daughter? I had so many questions but no answers. Two months later, I was told I had postpartum depression by a former friend. But she told me to not seek help, because if I did - the government would take my daughter away because they would see me as unfit mother. And I COULD NOT allow that to happen. I love my daughter, and I cannot bare the thought of my daughter being taken away from me. I chose not to seek help, and let it pass. I had insomnia, I would cry every night, I would just in my bedroom and just watch youtube videos. I isolated myself from friends and family. I did not cuddle with my daughter, or kiss or co-sleep with her. I had hard time to have physical contact with her. For 6 whole months! After that, praise the Lord - I became happy again.

Moral of this story is, seek help! Do not believe what people around you tells you. NO ONE will take your child, and postpartum is actually more frequent than we actually think. And, you are not a bad mother. You are a great mother, and your child(ren) are lucky to have you as their mother. Go and seek help, because you deserve to be happy. You will look back at this and feel proud of yourself for not giving up on yourself. Happy mother, happy children! It is survivable. It will get better.

I think many people have misunderstanding or misconception about postpartum. Not all women who get postpartum wants to kill their child. Not all women who get postpartum hate their child. It is different from woman to woman. My experience might be different from another mom´s experience. And your experience might be like mine. So, do not compare your experience with anyone else. And, have patience - things will get better. You will smile again. Do not worry!

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It is hard to believe that the person you once loved and admire turns into a person you have hard time recognizing. Divorce brings out the worst in people. Everyone is hurt, angry and in shock. I am not saying that some people do not change for the better but divorce is ugly.
Divorce destroys relationships, bonds, families, dreams, hopes, and memories. Divorce is like the fire that destroys the house you have build from the ground. Divorce leaves you drained and empty.
And people change after divorce. Friends change. Family change. Your ex spouse change, and YOU change. The people that once you called friends disappears. Family members who did not like you will start blaming you for the way you have been treated and tell you that you were dumb for staying with that man. People might just contact you to get the juice and not actually wanting to help and support you.

Divorce teaches you the skill that will help you rebuild your life from the ground. Divorce teaches you to recognize fakers, takers, abusers from people who are genuine. It teaches you analyzing human behaviors and speech patterns. Divorce teaches you to evaluate your worth, what you deserve. It is scary, hard and emotionally draining. To see your hopes, dreams, everything you have build go up in flames.

BUT you will be okay. You will heal. You will get better. You will be happy again. Things might seem impossible now, but you will smile again. And LAUGH. Have trust and pray harder.

May Allah be with you 🌹

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Motherhood is hard enough, trying to educate yourself while raising children is a battlefield. How I know this? Well, I am a student and I’m raising two toddlers. I am not even going to lie, it is HARD! It takes certain mindset to manage the chaotic everyday life. If you do not change your mindset from “This is hard” to “I can do this” - you will not be able to survive college.

College is intense, there is readings, projects, group work, assignments - maybe all in one week. You need to have self-discipline from day one and stick to it. This means meal prep, reading and doing assignments after you put the kids to bed, making the lunches before you go to bed. Being on schedule, going to bed early and waking up early - is essential. Going to bed early to get enough sleep and have good amount of energy to get through the day. And waking up early, so you can take things slow in the morning and not stress yourself out when getting the kids ready.

Lastly, do not forget to take care of yourself. Your mental health is as important as your psychical health. Find a happy place your mind can escape to when things get difficult. Because trust me, things will get hard. Imagine; on the day you are most tired, your child decides it is a good day to throw a tantrum. It is time like that your mind needs to escape to the happy place. And you calm yourself down, and show understanding, love and patience to your child. Remember, they are also going through this with you.

Always remember, no hardship lasts. Everything will eventually be okay. Smile ♥️

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You do not have to go through a divorce or abusive relationship to start a journey towards healing. In the world we are living in, there is a lot of things that can break your heart and change who you are. Healing is freeing yourself from the things that have broken your heart. Freeing yourself from negative people. Freeing yourself from things, people or anything that drags you down from reaching your potential. It is a scary journey because it requires that you start being completely honest with yourself. Admitting the things that have broken you. Admitting the hurt, the tears, the trauma, the heart break, the negativity - and ALLOWING your heart to just break before healing it. Healing is a beautiful, yet scary. But it will be very rewarding, and it will change everything about you for the better.

Many people have emotions and trauma they have not dealt with, so that emotion or emotions will come out in different ways such as anger, promiscuity and etc. If you do not deal with your trauma or emotions, or hurt - it can affect your relationship, your children and the people around you. You have a responsibility to take care of your health, and your mental health is a huge part of your psychical health.

Take care of yourself, do not let this cold world change who you are. Deal with your emotions, and see how much healthier you feel. Deal with your emotions, and see how easier and lighter life becomes. Deal with your emotions, and see how little negative people can disturb your inner peace. Deal with your emotions, because you deserve to live a happy life. You do not deserve to live with burden create by others that intended to destroy your life and happiness. Let that burden go! Let your heart break, in order to rebuild it again. Let the tears run down your cheeks, in order to smile again.

May Allah heal and rebuild our hearts.


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I thought I would do something little bit different than I have been doing. I thought I would write a letter to my 15 year old self. I went through a difficult time when I was 15, a lot things was happening and it is because of the things that I experienced that has made me the woman and the mother I am today. I can honestly say, 15 was the turning point in my life. Before I started my healing journey in 2016, that is the age I felt I was. Weird? Let me break it down. Have you ever felt you are younger than your age? Like spiritually? Yeah, that. And, it was not because I felt young but it was because I had unsolved emotions connecting me back to that age. After I started my healing journey, I feel my real age again spiritually.

Dear 15 year old me.

Yup, we just turned the big 23 few weeks ago. You thought by now that your life would be amazing, graduated and working a good job and having a family. Well, you have 1 of those three things. You have two children, two little girls. You are struggling through your first year of uni. Asking where your prince charming is? Well, he did us wrong. And your little heart can not deal with the heart break now, but you will grow up to be a strong, determined woman - do not worry about it! And yes, everything you will go through in your teens will show up knocking on your door right after you turn 21 and you need to deal with that. But girl, after that divorce from that man who did not deserve you - you will be happy and feel free for the first time of your life (wink wink, you know what i mean). You will feel like a whole new person, and your smiles will no longer hide pain or sorrow, it will be genuine smiles You will finally understand not everything that shines is gold, not everyone who are in your life wants the best for you. You will be comfortable being alone, and you will love it. And, always remember - I´m proud of you and I love you. I know that you do not hear that often, and that is why I´m taking time to write you this letter.

And the fatherly love you are searching for in older boys, it will only crush you because they themselves are broken little boys. Why are they at late teens and early 20s talking to your 15 year old behind?

Honey, you will and only you can fulfil that empty place in your heart. You already know that the men in your life is emotionally unavailable, so do not be hurt by it. That is the only way they know to love - from a broken place.

So, you will start rediscovering who you truly are after the divorce. You will start living authentically, and be unapologetic about it. Always remember to stay honest to who you are - and you will love that woman and mother that will blossom from the ashes. Stay kind to yourself, and remember; everything will be alright

Kind regards

You


Have you thought of writing a letter to your younger self? It is a great way of healing from emotional trauma in your life. Maybe you should write yourself a lovely letter that you can re-read couple years from now.

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Cheating is a sensitive topic in a relationship. Cheating is a selfish act. People who cheat is usually people who suffers from insecurities, and think they can have their cake and eat it too. I have never understood their thought process (I do not think there was any thought process). I have seen men who cheats, and I have seen how entitled they feel about their cheating. They will blame you for their cheating. ´You did not do this for me, so that made me go and seek it somewhere else.´ And you sit there thinking ´I just gave birth, and I am bleeding. What do you want me to do?´ There is no compassion, no understanding, there is no mercy. Cheating people have this way of blaming other instead of taking responsibility for their actions.

I was one of those women who fell for the lies, all the promises that he will never do it again. Hoping, praying and crying that he will change. I went out of my way to change the things he said made him cheat. I felt it was my weight. After my children were born, I had gained about 20-30kg and I had hard time loosing the weight. And the reason I suspected it was because of my weight was because the women he cheated with (chatting, meeting) was usually skinny women. This made me feel insecure beyond belief. I tried to beautify myself, I bought make up AND I´m not the type that uses make up. But I did all this so he won´t go out and cheat. But no matter what I did, it did not help. The amount of women kept increasing, and keptincreasing. What hurt the most about this is that I was not worth not be cheated on. I could sense from him that I kinda deserve this. Not only me as a person, but every women.

The cheating reached unexpected heights. He left me at the hospital right after giving birth to my youngest daughter. Before finding out that he was cheating on me while I was fighting for my life, I kept making excuses for him. After 2 weeks in the hospital I came home, and that is when he told me about this girl. I have never been so hurt, and I could hear my heart break in million pieces. It was that day I started to question myself. ´Why do you let him keep disrespecting you like this?´. I finally understood that I deserve better than what he was doing. I felt broken, and my self-esteem was destroyed. I did not know where to start doing things, but one thing was sure; I was going to leave this man sooner or later. And 1,5 year after he left me at the hospital bed, I left him.

The reason why I am writing about my story is not to make people feel bad for me. I´m in better place now Alhamdulilah, and I´m healing. I´m sharing this so that other women can learn from my mistakes. Cheating will make you question your worth. Am I not pretty enough? Am I too big? Am I not worthy respect? Am I not loveable? That one was a big one for me. Was I not loveable? Am I hard to love? What made him do it? That is a big question for us women. And I think I know the answer; Some men are just sh*t like that! You could not have done anything to prevent that. If people tells you ´ oh girl you should dress up for your husband. If you did, he would not have cheated on you.´ Do not let people hurt your feelings! A man can only be kept if he wants to be kept. You can not stop a man from cheating. All you can do is to have enough self-esteem, and determination that you can gather yourself and walk away. You will be okey. As a reader you might think ´why is she telling women to leave a cheating partner? People deserve second chances, they can change!´ And you are right, people can change. BUT if you start giving second chances, TRUST ME you will give third, fourth, fifth chances. How many chances are you willing to give to a person who will never change? And I do believe once a cheater, always a cheater. Once a man starts cheating on you, the first time he might actually regret it and feel bad about cheating. But the next million times that follows will be easier because he feels comfortable enough to know that you will never catch him, and if you do - he will make it seem like it was unintentional and that is just happened. He just happened to ask for that girl´s number, he just happened to add her on snap, it just happened.  

Do not allow yourself to be disrespected like that. You deserve a man who will be honest with you, and will only love you. The heart is one, and it can not love two people at once. When he is texting or calling that other girl, know his heart is with her. Because if not, he would not have called or texted her. Do not allow yourself to be fooled! A person can change, but YOU can not change him. That decision needs to be his if he wants to change or not. Spare yourself the pain.. If he cheats, your bags should be packed and you should leave. A marriage is between two people, not between a woman and a man + his side-chick. ´Practising´ brothers use polygamy as an excuse to go out and mingle with non-mahram women.  


I will end with a message to sisters who are going through infidelity issues within their marriage; Know that you are worth much more than that. You do not have to accept it! You are beautiful, you are smart, you are kind and your value is beyond measures. You deserve to be happy. Life is too short to live unhappily. Educate yourself! Build up your confidence, your self-esteem. Never blame yourself for HIS infidelity!! It was HIM. He should be ashamed of himself. You should not walk around bearing that burden of his. Drop that burden, let him pick it up!  You are too beautiful to be crying yourself to sleep at night. 

 Always remember it is a new day tomorrow, you can change and improve. BUT do so with a smile. May Allah be with you! 

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Divorce is always hard wether you have children or not. It´s not only the end of a relationship, but it´s end of the dreams, hopes and future plans you had. The future you once saw, is now shattered in million of pieces. And all you are left with is questions. Questions about your value, how will you ever get over this and when will this unbearable pain disappear. You will feel pain wether you are the one who wanted to leave or the one who have been left. It´s the human element. You are left standing in the shattered pieces, along with your children. You have to clean up and restart your life. It is the scariest thing I have ever done. I don´t think there´s an easy way to restart your life. No matter how old you are, or how well you have lived - the emotional load that comes along with divorce is something no one will ever be able to prepare themselves for. And the true colours of people will start to show, both your ex spouse, friends and family.

I was the one who wanted to leave. After 3,5 years of marriage, and two children - our differences was irreconcilable. I couldn't´t stay in a loveless marriage. And he really didn't´t want to change. There was both emotional and mental abuse going on, and I couldn't´t let my daughters to grow up in such environment. Many people kept asking me ´ why did you take your daughters away from their father?´ and all I have to say to those people; No father is better than an abusive father! Too many children grow up in an abusive homes because most women don´t want to separate their children from their fathers. And I honestly see where their hearts is at, BUT if the damage is bigger than the advantage then there is no point to keep everybody in the same house. I´m not saying to KEEP the children totally away from their fathers, but children needs stability and they need structure. A happy and healthy mother is essential for raising happy and health children. Love and nurture is also essential, and that is two things you will not find in a home where there is emotional and mental abuse taking place.

What have I learned? I have learned so much about myself both during and after my marriage. I learned I was a broken little girl looking for someone that will love me. I learned how to fill that void with self-love, self-care and living a conscious life. I learned that my worth doesn't decrease just because someone don´t want to see my worth. And their perception of me doesn't define me. My past doesn't define me. I learned that I´m actually stronger than I have ever thought. And most importantly, I have learned a whole lot about tawwakul, sabr and shukr.


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