A thing that warms my heart so much is that every time I write about how hard it is to go through postpartum with an eating disorder there are so many moms who contact me and send me messages, and these moms were/are also in a hard place but have managed to get through it. These people make me feel stronger and more motivated to also be able to get through this! And I hope that soon, when I've gone through postpartum with an eating disorder but has managed to stay healthy and not let the disease win, I can be one of these moms too. <3
I was still underweight when I became pregnant and during the 9 months I was pregnant I gained over 25kg. Everything changed: my whole body type, my hips, my arms, my chest, my breasts, even my face. Some of the changes are just there during pregnancy and postpartum, some might stick and be permanent.
However, the minute I got home from the hospital after giving birth I decided that I wouldn't let my body be changed at all so I started panicking, creating a strict diet and eating less and less calories. The first month it felt like my body didn't change at all no matter how much I tried and my weight didn't go down more than around 5-10kg even though a whole baby had come out of me haha. This meant that I panicked more and had an even stricter diet and then all of a sudden during the second month of postpartum I lost kg after kg and immediately became addicted to the weight loss as I had been so many times before.
When I had lost 20kg in 2 months I felt tired, weak, I was often in a bad mood again and I noticed that I was back on track with my old, bad, eating disorder habits. It took me some time to admit this to myself and my husband, but when I did I got the support I needed to be strong enough to ask for help this time around. Right now I'm at a weight that according to my doctors was my "goal weight" when I was in the hospital and very underweight. A weight where I'm stable, my body is functioning and I'm just above the line of being underweight. The ill part of me wants to continue to lose weight and sees the "goal weight" as something negative, but me, I want to stay at this weight and get the help I need to manage to do so.
I think it's important to shine some light on the facts that moms aren't perfect, moms aren't super humans that don't have their own problems, complexes and diseases. It's OK for a mom to be weak, to ask for help and to admit they aren't 100% fine all the time. When I overcame my fear of asking for help and especially when I said it out loud, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. And now I'm ready to do my best to stay strong and healthy. <3