I used to keep a diary where I wrote down every single calorie I ate. I would even write "bubblegum, 3 kcal" or "a slice of cucumber, 5 kcal". I was obsessed with counting calories and I still was, only a couple of months ago. The worst part was the stress over having to calculate every meal and constantly think about how many calories you've eaten and how many you have left. I could lay in bed at night just thinking about the best way to not have any calories the next day.
One thing I remember very well is how me and my husband went to celebrate our engagement at a spa hotel. One of my favorite things EVER is hotel breakfast. But I was still very ill at this point and I remember my whole happiness just kind of disappeared when I sat there, my first morning as engaged, and the only thing I could think about was if I maybe could have another piece of watermelon or not.
Now I haven't counted calories for over two months and it's been the best months ever. The hardest part of quitting the calorie counting is that you have to let go of control. But once you do that you will automatically get a bit healthier, because counting calories 24/7 is so damaging for the brain and it lets the eating disorder in you take over completely.
So what I did is that I forced myself to try new things (at restaurants etc) without googling nutrition facts. This way I had no idea how many calories my meal contained. In the beginning it was terrifying but the more I did this the easier it was to stop checking my calorie diary, because the control was already lost since I didn't know everything I had had that day. It took a few weeks of doing this before I simply stopped the calorie counting completely.
Of course I still sometimes find it scary to have a big meal or to eat a specific meal. But honestly, the minute I stopped obsessing over calories I felt better than I had in YEARS. So stop spending hours on googling nutrition facts and counting calories. Focus on listening to your body and what it needs.
Big love. <3