When I posted this picture on my Instagram two days ago I needed to really push myself to do it. A whole lot of anxiety showed up, just by wearing a swimsuit, and even more by seeing myself in pictures like this. My body is not the same as it was before pregnancy, not even close. And now, don't get me wrong - I'm so proud of my body and the miracle it has brought us. But having a background with 6 years of eating disorders, it's a BIG deal for me to go through postpartum and I'm dealing with postpartum body-anxiety every day. The difference is that I'm actively dealing with it now instead of letting myself starve and go back to my ill condition.
My first thought of seeing myself in a swimsuit and seeing pictures of me in it was just anxiety x 100. Why was I so scared of showing my real me after pregnancy on social media? I was almost ashamed of showing people the fact that I haven't lost all pregnancy kg's and shapes in 3 weeks. Which is CRAZY. Then a funny thing happened - the moment I overcame my fears and posted the picture I started feeling a lot better about it and myself in a swimsuit. Because that meant that I accepted the fact that this is me and my body at the moment rather than hiding it. My amazing body. That has gone through fire this last year! Why wouldn't I want people to see that? How much my body has done for me and how proud I am over it for that.
I won't lie, it's really hard to go through postpartum while dealing with an eating disorder. I need to convince myself at least 5 times a day that it's more important that I eat, stay healthy and am able to breastfeed so my baby is well, than to starve and lose weight.
I go back and forth between thinking my body is fat and gross and thinking my body is amazing in every way. It's rough to constantly deal with these thoughts and having to think about it so much but what has helped me these weeks is:
1. Knowing that my body has done the most incredible thing ever
2. Allowing myself to have bad thoughts but dealing with them instead of falling back into my eating disorder habits
3. Learning that my value has literally nothing to do with my weight and looks - my family will never care about if I have some stretch-marks on the hips, a little loose skin on the belly or a clothing size bigger than before.
4. I can't lift up and support other mommies if I don't love and support myself.