Anorexia is hell

I've been writing a bit about body positivity and about overcoming my eating disorders. I've been getting a lot of messages and DM's from people, saying that I should write more about these things and that we need to stop keeping mental illness as a tabu. And this is true. So today I'm ready to share my story with you.

I got ill when I was 13 and about to shoot my first music videos. I thought I'd look a bit better if I just lost a few kilograms. It started with an innocent "healthy lifestyle" which meant I started working out more and stopped eating junk food etc. It didn't take many weeks before I was obsessed with counting calories and working out many hours a day. After just a few months I'd lost over 10kg and I was weak, ill and depressed.

These pictures are taken with only 9 months between them. Most of you probably know what happens to the body when you get anorexia, so I'm gonna focus on the mental part.

I started working as an artist when I was very young and got my first record deal when I was 13. A week after my debut album was released, I was taken into hospital. I stayed at the eating disorder clinic for many months. At the time I thought my life was over and I felt I had nothing to live for anymore. Here comes the funny part: I was so obsessed with being good and pleasing everybody so I actually convinced both my parents and doctors that I should continue my summer gigs. So basically this whole summer I stayed at the eating disorder clinic and was crazy ill both physically and mentally, but I still went and did almost all the gigs I had scheduled for that summer.

The craziest part is that this was such a tabu for everyone. For me, my parents, the records label, everybody I was working with etcetc. So nobody talked about my eating disorders and everybody tried to keep it as much of a secret as possible. And nobody questioned that I was fighting for my life but still never stopped working.

I got better after many months at the clinic, and when I finally got home and was able to start high school I was sure this was all over. In my head there was no possible relapse. Ever. My biggest fault was that I continued my life like nothing had happen, I kept covering it up and kept going as before. I never got to the bottom with the problem, which sucked, because all eating disorder starts from something.

I continued working with my music, I finished high school in 2,5 years and I thought I was ready to face anything. At this same time I started to relapse. My disease kept fooling me and I said to myself that "this time I was going to handle it", I thought I knew how to lose weight without getting ill or having to go to the hospital. It didn't take many months before I was back in my same old habits and stopped eating.

This time, when I realized I was ill again, I honestly thought I'd never have the strength to take another fight and to recover. I felt like such a loser, I couldn't even make another album without relapsing?! I know that many of you, who have been following me for a longer time, wonder why I all of a sudden stopped pushing my album that was about to be released, and why I stopped posting pictures from the studio. It was the hardest decision of my life, but I finally decided to put my health first, and my career second. My EP, which I was so incredibly excited about, was already recorded and ready. But this time I knew I wouldn't get any more chances, I have to take responsibility for my health and well-being. I've been a mess this whole year and the hardest part and hardest thing ever was a few months ago when I decided I'm not going to make music anymore. The music industry is a crazy place and you really have to be well and strong to manage it and to enjoy it.

I apologize to all of you who waited for my album to come out and who were gonna come to my shows. You have no idea how excited I was about that too. But I'm mostly sorry to myself that I didn't listen to my heart and body and that I just kept pushing all these years even tho I deep down knew it had to stop at some point. It's crazy when you have this vision of how you're life is going to turn out and you suddenly have to tear the puzzle down and start building something new. But even if it hurts and if every day of recovery brings tears, I'm thankful that I finally saw the signs and started choosing life and well-being. When I started this blog I did it because I want to share my story and my reality with everyone of you, and get closer to you. This is the first time I've written about this and I'm not gonna stay silent. Not again. I know that when we start talking about mental illness it will help millions of people and most of all ourselves. It feels like 100kg fell off my shoulders the minute I started writing this text.

This is the first of many posts about how anorexia destroys your life. If you are ill, if your friend is ill, your brother, your mom, anyone. Get help. Don't hesitate. Just get help. <3

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Comments

Elle
Elle,
Hi! Do you speak Finnish or should I write in English or Swedish if I’ll comment again in future? Can you tell which ed clinic were you inpatient back then and how was the treatment there in your opinion? You propably followed a mealplan with five or six meals per day there so I found it a bit weird in your what I eat in a day post that you eat only three times a day plus the nutridrink. Wouldn’t it be good to follow a mealplan in recovery to help you get enough nutrition and learn to eat ragylarly? 😊
Lotta
Lotta,
hän oli ulfåsassa Helsingissä!
Pluti
Pluti,
Musiken försvinner ingenstans. sköt om dig under tiden. Förlåt dig själv dagligen, så som du förlåter dina goda vänner.
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