I got better after many months at the clinic, and when I finally got home and was able to start high school I was sure this was all over. In my head there was no possible relapse. Ever. My biggest fault was that I continued my life like nothing had happen, I kept covering it up and kept going as before. I never got to the bottom with the problem, which sucked, because all eating disorder starts from something.
I continued working with my music, I finished high school in 2,5 years and I thought I was ready to face anything. At this same time I started to relapse. My disease kept fooling me and I said to myself that "this time I was going to handle it", I thought I knew how to lose weight without getting ill or having to go to the hospital. It didn't take many months before I was back in my same old habits and stopped eating.
This time, when I realized I was ill again, I honestly thought I'd never have the strength to take another fight and to recover. I felt like such a loser, I couldn't even make another album without relapsing?! I know that many of you, who have been following me for a longer time, wonder why I all of a sudden stopped pushing my album that was about to be released, and why I stopped posting pictures from the studio. It was the hardest decision of my life, but I finally decided to put my health first, and my career second. My EP, which I was so incredibly excited about, was already recorded and ready. But this time I knew I wouldn't get any more chances, I have to take responsibility for my health and well-being. I've been a mess this whole year and the hardest part and hardest thing ever was a few months ago when I decided I'm not going to make music anymore. The music industry is a crazy place and you really have to be well and strong to manage it and to enjoy it.
I apologize to all of you who waited for my album to come out and who were gonna come to my shows. You have no idea how excited I was about that too. But I'm mostly sorry to myself that I didn't listen to my heart and body and that I just kept pushing all these years even tho I deep down knew it had to stop at some point. It's crazy when you have this vision of how you're life is going to turn out and you suddenly have to tear the puzzle down and start building something new. But even if it hurts and if every day of recovery brings tears, I'm thankful that I finally saw the signs and started choosing life and well-being. When I started this blog I did it because I want to share my story and my reality with everyone of you, and get closer to you. This is the first time I've written about this and I'm not gonna stay silent. Not again. I know that when we start talking about mental illness it will help millions of people and most of all ourselves. It feels like 100kg fell off my shoulders the minute I started writing this text.
This is the first of many posts about how anorexia destroys your life. If you are ill, if your friend is ill, your brother, your mom, anyone. Get help. Don't hesitate. Just get help. <3