I’ve heard a variety of reasons of why I haven’t been present on social media and asked why I haven’t been on Instagram (unless for the regular throwback picture here and there)or attending events the past 7 weeks.
The truth is I’m currently an inpatient at hospital for an eating disorder. For the past 3 years I’ve suffered from bad anxiety and E.D.
But I’m finally in the right place for me for this moment in time to overcome this. Anyone who knows the process as an eating disorder inpatient will understand the struggles I’ve been through of intrusiveness, the feeling of lack of control over your own life and overall your dignity. It’s a slow process but thankfully I’m still receiving work from uni to keep up on my fashion studies.
I’m gutted to have to take a break from media events and fashion but this post is to mostly tell you all that not all is what it seems on social media, I would attend events and nobody would have no idea I wasn’t unwell (maybe by how thin and frail I was) but I’d usually always be the last laughing at jokes and wouldn’t ever turn down anything deep fried or the most regular visitor to the cake and donut stalls at these things. But nobody had no idea the aftermaths of it all, feeling the smallest in the room regardless of being tall. Feeling so insecure in my body that I covered myself in jeans or trousers, the stress of being sent clothes that were slightly revealing in case it portrayed the wrong body image on social media. The guilt of having an extra spring roll at events. It was all fake, it wasn’t real. The only thing real about me that was obvious in everyone’s eyes was just how unwell I really was.
I’m grateful that once leaving my treatment I can go back to these things and ACTUALLY ENJOY THEM. This is a big blab but my point I want to make is, not everything is what it seems. Yes, I spent my summer abroad in Spain looking like I was living the life at beach clubs and eating ice cream on a daily basis but you didn’t see the looks I got at these places, the majority of the days spent in linen trousers to cover my frail legs & the guilt behind each meal.
I’m getting there and it’s going to be a slow process but the outcome means living a happier and better life.
Mental health is real & we all have it, so take care.