A lot has happened in a year, I don't want to go in to all the details but these are the biggest changes in my life;
• I have stopped skiing
• I have moved to my own apartment
• I am finishing the last part of my gymnasium
• I am recovering from a mentally difficult time
The first change happened in the beginning of 2019. I was in a really mentally bad state because of an awful fall (2018). My team had a lot of problems and the coach wasn’t educated enough to deal with a team with four girls. So everything was shit and I had started to hate skiing, which is ironic because that had been my safe place for many years. I made the biggest choice of my life and decided to leave skiing behind. I am still really happy with the decision.
When you stop doing something that have been a really big part of your life, I felt overloaded and fell into a black hole... Not seriously but I like to think so. I was fighting for who I really was, I had no idea who Mathilda Lassenius was without skiing. I have always been the one whose always on a skiing trip or training. The change from having someone else saying where to go next on a camp to having no plans was a shock. I started stressing about everything, like what will I go and study, I need a boyfriend, I hate my parents and so on. And it felt like I could never rest with my thoughts. So to summon up everything I was like bambi on ice having no clue what to do.
During the summer I was working at the Helsinki Marina for a second summer. I had a higher position than the year before which was very demanding but educational. But it left little time for me to work on myself and I started to sink into the black hole again...
In the fall when I usually go on skiing camps I had the matriculation exam, exams you take at your last year of gymnasium. I had to get my shit together because of course I had not been reading during the summer holiday for my biology test. It was an intense fall but even tough at the time it felt really hard everything went well! Mentally I was still struggling but it started to ease when all the stress from the exams started to go away.
I decided that it was time to move to my own apartment and after finishing the fall exams we found a nice apartment in the middle of Grankulla. By having my own apartment I have had time to focus on myself and my well being. The change has been really good but by knowing that I will have to choose where to study in less than 2 months I feel a bit stressed, and it doesn't help having to write the rest of my exams soon...
But I know everything will be alright in the end and it doesn't really help to start stressing too early at least for me, stressed last year about my future education and I am still in the same boat not able to do anything yet and having no idea what I will do next!