5 years

I know that I always get somewhat weird around this time of the year. It’s because I still remember everything as if it’s happening right now. I still get stomach ache every time I hear them sounds in my head. Tomorrow morning it’s been 5 years since the day that you took your last breath. It’s been 5 years since thought everything will be okay again, but i was wrong. I thought they were going to save your life, but I couldn’t, they couldn’t. It still hurts everyday thinking of you lying in the couch and I’m losing my mind of even think of the panic you had in your eyes.

Every day I think of your family and friends and how extremely sorry I am that you’re no longer with them. The thoughts of if I would have reacted faster if you’d still be here with us.
You’re no longer here and all I can hope for is for people to understand how dangerous it is to consume drugs, how stupid it is to eat them pills when there’s nothing but chemicals and can take ur life within hours. All you need is that one little extra dose and your life can be gone forever.

My heart is still aching thinking of that morning, how I wish that I could take it back. I’ve always been afraid when it comes to drugs, and after that morning I’m more afraid than ever.
Sitting at a hospital with so much hope when they got a heartbeat, how I knew everything would be okay because they’re professionals. But it wouldn’t, there was no way to save you.
There’s one thing from that day One thing! And that is that one out of the two of you made it.
Even the thought of how I almost lost my best friend, lying in a coma door to door to where we was, how clueless we were, and I wasn’t even there for him. To find out 24 hours later how he was fighting just as much for his life and I didn’t even know.

I remember every feeling from that morning. I went from scared to sad to so angry that I’ve never been, to literally feel nothing. I felt nothing for so long and that really scared me. I wasn’t even sad that you were gone I wasn’t angry that I didn’t save you. I was just empty!

It’s been a long time and today I feel so much. I feel so sorry for everyone who loved you I feel so sorry for everyone who’s lost a loved one to drugs. And I’m constantly scared to ever see anyone get hurt like that again. I don’t have nightmares anymore, I did for the longest while. But I’ve realized as they stopped, that I was living the nightmare. The scenario, that morning has gone on repeat in my head for the past 5 years and for that I feel angry again. A part of me wants to be angry with you guys for putting me through literally hell. But then again I realize that it’s nothing to be angry about. Drugs is not a joke, it’s an issue and a personal problem that I wouldn’t be able to help you guys with, it’s a personal decision and no one can do anything about it but you.

I just wish that you’re in a better place now looking down on your loved once and for this to be a lesson to everyone out there doing the same shitty drugs or drugs overall. I do remember how I wanted to record you, it’s insane that I was literally thinking about this seeing you. Because I wanted people to see what drugs can actually do to you.
I’m so thankful that my best friend made it, I’m so thankful that I still have the ability to talk to him and have him in my life. I just wished I could say the same for your family and your friends. Nobody deserves to go through anything like this.

I’m sorry I didn’t do more ❤️