Image source: http://www.inspiredoutcomes.ca/
"Follow your heart"
I have heard and read so many times through out my life, and interesting enough, if you actually do you can end up in the most amazing places and/or events. But for me, the saying "Follow your heart" led me straight to the hospital last Saturday...
To be honest, I have experienced so much stress lately it's crazy.
One thing after another has just come into my life and triggered stress reactions in so many different ways and aspects. Economy, work, family, things that has to do with my relationship with Hendry, things that has to do with my relationship to myself, trying to choose a healthy lifestyle etc. And on top of that I haven't been sleeping enough either.
So I started Saturday off at work. A pretty long day, and full on speed from the moment I clocked in til the moment I clocked out. I think I also slept 4 hours the night before.
Before I continue, there's one thing you need to know about me: I tend to put 120% into everything I do. When I'm not in balance, I become a stressed perfectionist who thinks she cannot relax until everything is 120% perfect and sorted out. And god forbid if I have to rely on other people. (I'm not sure how good it is to expose myself like this for possible future jobs, haha! But anyway, here goes...)
This is a habit that has been with me since I was very young, and my theory is that it comes from the appreciation I got from others when I DID something good. Meaning that I realized that "people loved me more when I did good things". And don't get me wrong, it's good that people "do good things" but that does NOT define them as people.
I couldn't be more sick of the saying:
"What you do defines you"
You could NOT be more wrong! But that's a whole other provoking (and probably liberating) discussion.
So, what happened was:
I was very tired after a long day at work, mentally and physically, but despite my whole body telling me NO I still wanted to go to the gym. Not because that felt inspiring at all, because "I have to get that perfect body and I have to work hard for it". And even though I love going to the gym and I get energy from it (when I'm not exhausted) I should have stayed home that day.
I went to the gym, and my plan was to workout my shoulders and chest.
I started off with warming up 10 minutes on the treadmill running/jogging and then I got upstairs to start my routines. I got to do three sets with three different exercises when all the sudden my heart "jumped" and I suddenly felt very dizzy. It was like turning on the light switch. All the sudden my heart went from 50-10000 in half a second. My whole being told me to just quit and go home, and I am so glad I actually listened to that.
When I got back downstairs, heading towards the locker room I found it harder and harder to breathe and got more dizzy. I got so scared, called mom and told her to pick me up because I couldn't breathe. And she did. I took my things and made my way out to the parking lot.
In the car we decided it was best for me to stay at her place for the night, but since I was working the next day I wanted to go back home to our apartment to get my stuff for work.
Despite my heart still racing like hell I insisted on coming up with her to get my things because she would have no clue of what to get.
I stepped out of the car and had to squat while holding on to the railing at the apartment entrance and focusing on my breathing.
After a while mom helped me up the stairs to the apartment, and it felt like I had been running a marathon. When we got inside I just crashed on the floor. It was a mix of exhaustion and a panic attack, and I was scared and I cried and I was tired and dizzy. Suddenly I just laid down on the floor and told mom to call an ambulance. She called while sitting down next to me. I had to hold her hand so tight to focus on something because it felt like I would pass out any minute. I remember thinking to myself "I have to look at her, because if I die, she is going to be the last thing I see". This might sound a bit dramatic, but I freaked out and since my heart wouldn't slow down at all I thought it would suddenly explode or something.
When the ambulance came (after what felt like forever) they staff checked my pulse. 200.
Without further questions they helped me into the ambulance and took me to the hospital where they took a few tests. Blood, blood pressure, my heart, my lungs, my sight, my stomach etc.
Thankfully my heart rate had gone down dramatically and was almost back to normal and when the test results came back everything looked just fine. They asked me about any diseases and if I'm healthy and well in general and I said yes. They asked me about my current life situation and when I told them they would all just agree on one thing: stress related!
This was a total wake up call.
All the things I'm stressing about, some of them are actually not important at all. And for what reason?
So that people would love me more? So that I would "seem awesome" in someone elses eyes? To feel more secure?
I don't have to. In fact no one has to. And if the people you spend the most time with don't accept and/or love you for WHO YOU REALLY are, then there are more than 7 billlion other people on this planet to hang out with. No, but seriously. The only reason for you to change would be if it INSPIRES you to do so in any way. And true security will always come from within...
And this I say to anyone who needs to hear it, and probably mostly to myself:
What you do does NOT define you!
Relax, slow down, enjoy, do the things that makes you happy, spend time with people that gives you energy, remember you are PERFECT, just the way you are and for every reason and no reason at all...
Mom! You will be my forever hero and angel.
I love you, so incredibly much.