I’m really struggling to get anything done right now. No motivation, no inspiration, no energy. Nothing. Just plain numbness and apathy. Don’t care enough about anything to have my usual anxiety. Don’t care enough about anything to feel stressed or worried. Don’t care about anything at all.

With that said, more than anything, I wish I did. I wish this would go away. I wish I would get better. Feel happier. Be able to start working again. It’s all I want. To feel joy haha.

The other day I watched a show where a guy described his girlfriend as a “happy person who spreads positive energy around her” hahaha. I have never related so little to anything in my life.

On top of all of this, my upcoming ASD assessment/evaluation is really heavy to deal with to be honest. It came out of nowhere and even though I have never even considered it for myself, I have also never felt so understood. I feel so sad about the pressure I have put on myself to mask all the difficulties I have. No wonder social interactions exhaust me, since all of it consists of me trying to mimic those who are socially skilled. Now, I haven’t gotten a diagnosis yet of course... but it still makes me sad to realize how much of my personality is faked to fit in...

All I feel able to do right now is go for long walks with Menace, spending time outdoors, being around people I truly feel that I can be myself around without having to put on the “likeable” mask. I’m also reading a lot which is nice. But it does worry me that I might have to deal with this for longer than I thought. My assessment is on April 26th and I don’t really feel that I can financially afford more months off. That’s a downside of being self-employed...



I'm here if you want to talk to someone ❤️ I know how it is to be depressed.
I'm the happiest man because of you Katrin! Thanks for being so amazing!