There's so much more

There is so much I could say that has made me feel unwanted when I was a child. That I wasn't good enough.

My mom once had an idea. When mom and dad was together still. She thought they would "switch" kids. Mom took my brother. Dad took me. She thought that it would be a good idea for us to do something and connect with the parent we rarely spent time with. Mom and my brother went to London. My dad took me to his work... Like, yes. We had huge economical issues... and he needed to work for money... but once, could I have had a father that wanted to do something with me?

Once we were on some bigger trip, don't remember where we were. For some reason that I can't remember dad's wife called me a fucking spoiled brat. I think I was... 12 or 13. My brother was still alive. My dad, did nothing, even if it upset me. I was standing right there. He didn't even talk to me about it.

One thing I just can't... grasp. I have a dog. I don't remember what holiday it was. I remember my dog being young though. But me and my dad went upstairs to play with my baby sister. I told my dads, now wife, that she can't let my dog out of her sight for one second, that he will steal food. And I couldn't bring him up stairs with us. She said it was okay. Then I hear a loud crash from the kitchen. When I come down she says she had thrown him off the table because she was so angry after he had eaten a whole side salmon. Sure I would be mad as hell as well but you can't just throw a dog to the floor?!

After my brother died, my father went with his family, without asking me, to visit the place where my brother had died. He didn't even ask me if I wanted to come. My own brother. I still haven't visited the spot. After almost 10 years... it feels stupid. But what hurts the most is that I wasn't feeling like a part of his family.

When they first met, dad's wife would act if she was my mother. Telling me what to do. No, just no. You don't do that to anyone else's child. You just don't. I had to say it myself to my father that I did not appreciate her raising me, as I'm not her child. An agreement was made that he would be the one doing most of the raising... weeeeell didn't hold too long. I just decided to shut my mouth and smile.

I have ADHD. Everyone knows it. With my mental disorder. My brain isn't home. Dad's wife, who works with special need kids, told me that when I don't offer to help her she gets angry. I get that. But 1. I'm not a mind reader. 2. Someone with that profession should know that people in my state of mind is not actually there and one can't really be angry at that. I can't help it. Hearing that just makes me hate myself more. I HATE being this sick.

Me and dad's wife has had many arguments over the years. More than I can keep count. At one point I thought, I will just chose my fights. But still, choosing fights still took a toll of my psyche. I realized. I should just suck it all up? And yea, this is what it has lead to. 

I just don't feel like I can have a normal conversation with the person my father has chosen to spend his life with. Whatever I do, I do something wrong. She gets angry, for little to no reason.

I know my brother was the number one child. You don't need to be a genius to see it. Plenty of times have I wished I was the one that died. Plenty of times have I tried to make it happen. Even before my brother passed, suicidal thoughts were there. Not to the same degree, but they were there.