Second psychological trauma

Fast forwarding. To the horrible, horrible day when my brother passes away in an accident. A huge trauma. I haven't still recovered from this to be honest. I remember that January day after new years. 2010. Before he left... he gave me a hug. After all these years... a hug, from him. Not forced by me... it was a real hug from him to me. He was finally coming out from what he had been through... and just about two, three weeks later... he's gone. I found out the news on Facebook. I was about 400km away from home... with my school. My whole world. Froze. I couldn't breathe. Think. Everything just stopped.

I lived in denial for a year. Then came the grieve. Suicide attempts. Self harm. Depression. Anxiety. Smoking.

That same year after my brother passed in 2010. During Christmas. I wanted to be with my dad. First Christmas without my brother. I was 15. Had no money. The money I would get as child benefit money from the government went directly to food for me. Because me and my mom were still not economically stable.

Anyhow. I come down to my dad. I wasn't expecting any gifts at all, all I wanted was to spend time with them. Mom told me I didn't have to go if I didn't want to. But I did. And I was now legally allowed to chose for myself. But that Christmas dad and his new girl wanted me to buy my 3 new brothers gifts. I got $20. Day before Christmas. Two stores open, or actually, it was the only stores that existed where they lived. A grocery store and a convenience store.

I'm 15, I don't really know these 3 all that well on a personal level and what I wanted to buy I couldn't afford, would had needed at least $50, and I didn't think they would buy me anything fancy anyway. So I figured, why not get something simple. Some shower gel, gum, chocolate. It's the thought that counts, right?

But, for some reason. I was called out to be selfish by this woman. I should have been more thoughtful with my gifts? Well. You can probably think how that Christmas turned out for me... And my dad... he just, watched? Like, he didn't say anything when it happened. Just let it happen.