First of all. Mental health is a serious health problem. It's nothing to be taken lightly. I'm doing my absolute best to get better. But I am extremely sensitive. Small things triggers me, put the wrong words out and I break. I'm sick, I'm trying to get well. It's hard. Having to deal with things like this isn't helping me. It makes my recovery so much harder. But I am trying my best. I hate myself every single day because of this illness. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. My dad has seen me in pretty bad shape. But from what he has seen... it's nothing compared to what hell it's been.
Today, 13th, me and my dad met up to talk about last week. I had anxiety over this all night. Couldn't sleep, having a cold didn't quite help either.
Everything I have posted today in this huge post are things we talked about. and we also talked about other things. He says he and his wife talks about these things a lot. I'm unsure if I should believe him. After last year's event where I ended up in emergency psychiatric care, I am having a lot of trust issues regarding my father. Doesn't mean I won't hear him out.
The reason for making this huge post may seem silly to some. But honestly. I need this out there. Because nobody is allowed to silence my voice, neglect my feelings in any way. What I feel has to be heard as well and not be swept under a rug as people always want me to do when I speak from my heart.
I have kept myself in silence for so long. Look where it got me?
My dad hasn't really been there for me growing up. The same year my brother died, about a month later. I got a baby sister. It was possibly the worst time ever for it to happen. I broke contact with my father after two years or so after my brother's passing. Of arguing with his wife, and having to struggle with my mental problems, and him just not really being there or standing up to me when I needed him to
When the biggest grieve of my brother passed I knew what I wanted. The same thing I knew what my brother tried to do for me. It may be silly, but I think my brother tried to be there as a father I never had. I think he, as being a bit older than me at the time, saw what happened around him as well. When he got better, he tried doing something I never had. I just wished I could had seen it then. I appreciate it now.
My sister has everything I never had, a mother a father. Most importantly, a father that's actually there. One that shows up on concerts. Sport practices. Small graduations. I have the right to feel jealous. Does it mean I despite her? Hate her? No. She's my sister. THE ONLY REASON I have dealt with everything is because of her. She shouldn't have to be put in the middle of this. I want her to have what I couldn't have.
But is it so wrong of me to also wish I could have some of my father? The things have already been done and can not be undone my father says. But something I do hope he realizes, just because you can't fix the past, doesn't mean you can't make up for it. I have tried before to have a relationship with my father. Given him chance after chance. Get to know him for him, but alas. I still don't have a father. I just hope... it will change.
A person that's there for me for real. Not just empty words. Not just when emergencies happen. Not when just holidays are around the corner. I wish he could had seen this years ago. When the first contact break happened. But here we are. All one can do is learn from the mistakes. And I really hope he does.