This post isn't about me and my fiance, but a different side of "is it love?"
Recently something happened. Something so big that I let something out that I have kept inside for a long, LONG time. At that time it was the one and only way I could get myself through it. I can honestly say, cross my heart, that if I hadn't I wouldn't be physically able to write this right now.
So what happened?
It's a long story.
But I feel that I need to put this out there. Not for other people's sake, but for my own. I have always felt that putting things through text makes things so much easier for me to deal with emotions like these, instead of just giving up.
It was something someone said to me. Someone I want a relationship with, but I really don't have one with, even though I should had been entitled to it as a child.
Even if he didn't mean it. When a father tells his daughter "I want to spend my one good vacation day with my family" her heart just... breaks.
I would never believe I was going to hear him say those words. It is something I have feared and have always felt was the truth, for many years. And hearing him say it, my vision just went black.
I made a post on my Facebook page. Because it was the only other way I could find myself out at that moment. I needed to vent it out. I know for certain people that are my Facebook friends, it must have been a shock reading it. For others, understanding as they have probably been through similar. And the rest, well, probably never even saw it.
But in order for all this to even make sense. I feel like I need to explain certain things.
What causes this mental illness?
Can it really be that bad?
Or am I just one of those drama queens that has to make things bigger than what they really are?
First psychological trauma
Memories are blurry, voices are clear. Everything is in disorder
Adding stress, worry, responsibility
I observed more than I talked to people
How to cope with it all at age of 10
I don't know if my parents know this...
I feel like I'm just scrapping the surface
And I feel like things get's mixed up
Someone new, neglect, oppression
I felt like it was an intruder on my grounds
Second psychological trauma
After all these years... a hug, from him
There's so much more
I wasn't good enough
What was the actual cause of this post
So, what actually happened last week
Me and my dad met up
I hate myself every single day because of this illness
I DON'T HATE HER
All I want in return is my father