And this is where my first trauma comes in, it's mixed in with so much things that it was a point that changed me as a person, or in this case, as a child. Memories are blurry, voices are clear. Everything is in disorder... I have tried my best to backtrack my memories and put them in a timeline... to understand myself what happened and when it happened. I feel like finding the source will help me heal, or at least, find something I can comprehend or maybe use once I can find decent medical help.
Anyway. During all of this. Our parents separated.
The separation itself wasn't so bad, but everything else that was going on around it. My mom being forced to move to a new city with me. My brother that was going through god knows what. My dad going through things and moving a lot. Both my parents having to go through things together, for the sake of my brother. I had to go to a child psychologist, which I honestly don't understand why, it did more harm than good. The things I remember the most about this time. Everything circled around my brother.
Because of the separation our parents had joint custody, meaning I would get to see my brother and my father at least... but... it wasn't as I pictured. I wasn't allowed to touch my brother. As a 6-7 ish year-old, how was I even supposed to comprehend why I couldn't hug or touch my own brother? The person who used to love giving me hugs? The person I have seen pictures, and at that time still had those memories, with me where all I can see is love? I didn't understand it. I remember that I thought about it a lot. Did I do something wrong?
It was about this time, when I was 7-8 that my brother was sent far, far away. He was going to live in a foster home. My father couldn't handle a child like my brother, I understand his choice... but for me this was an add up to the trauma. I now was able to see my brother as often as I had... if I was lucky... once every/every second month... Being a child... again I wondered, was it my fault?
I can remember my mother saying that I had nothing to do with it, that it wasn't my fault in any way. But because of everything happening in such a short period of time. And I felt like I wasn't given much attention, school wasn't the best. Everything just felt as if something was wrong with me. Like, I wasn't good enough, like my brother.
It was like, I rarely saw my dad. I rarely saw my brother. Throughout most of the time growing up.