Adding stress, worry, responsibility

I can remember starting from about 9, I started taking more... adult roles. And I was also more aware of what was going on around me and my mother. Even if she didn't say it. I knew. Normally, all kids help their parents after a certain age, as a part of taking more responsibility, right? Well, with me, it was more than just that.

Because of the things happening in the very short time it had, I was very quiet. I observed more than I talked to people. The time I did talk in class I was the one getting all the blame even though i may had been quiet when everyone else was talking. But I usually got the worst scoldings. Which made me an even more quiet person.

I was bullied at school, from 1st or 2nd grade, I honestly don't remember when. Was called "poodle flip-flop" because I could bark as a dog. Boy-girl, because I was more boy-ish. I was picked on by older kids with diagnoses like aspie, ADD, ADHD and such as they were in the same building as grade 0-5. I was lying a lot, not those cute lies kids do, serious lies. Because I wanted attention and I could get it from others that way, To not go to school or To not do this or that.

Me and my mom... I knew we were poor. I was bullied at soccer, handball, karate and other sports because we couldn't afford the "right equipment" and because I was an "outcast" as I or my mom wasn't born in the city. I ended up just quitting sports all together... But I could also see it when we would eat... mom would eat less just so I could fill my own stomach. My needs came before hers... always. (Sometimes she could be over protective though.) And this was one reason why I never let my friends come over for dinner, I felt like we couldn't afford it.

Friends... I had very little of. I don't know why, perhaps it was because I always told them I had to go home and help my mom instead of playing with them. Because that's what I did from a young age. My mom has an unknown illness that messes up her balance, if she wanted to walk in to the central of our town I would had to come along as she couldn't walk there without me. She was also in pain every single day, now we know it's Fibro.

But I had to help her do shopping, sometimes do shopping for her. I cleaned sometimes the whole apartment because I wanted to make her happy. This has been a huge stress factor from this age and up to adulthood. Having little to no money. Having a mother that can't always go places without me. I worried about this every single day at school. Sometimes I would be "sick" just to be home with her. I remember thinking that this was probably something my brother would had done if he could have.