I have always enjoyed the idea of myself as a sceptic, to the degree of cynical; but the one person being wrong about you is usually yourself. Lately, I have been angry with a lot of things. Mostly myself. Somewhere between the manipulative lines, between the tears, between the illusion of happiness, I lost my way and I lost track of myself. "People will only treat you like sh*t if you let them", everybody told me. After X months of feeling like pure crap, I realized the (lovely) folks in my surroundings were right and I have myself to blame. I am angry because in some sense, I failed myself (for now), acting in a naive, needy role I never wanted to play.
Luckily, it is not the type of bitter-angry where I am starting to loose faith in humanity, but the kind of anger that gets eager to sweat through 50 push-ups and read as many books as possible. It is the kind of anger where I consciously push myself away from bullshit, because I feel so sick of it. In some ways it is a liberating feeling, because finally, I am putting myself first. No one is going to have the power of wasting my time again, and that is probably why I never have enjoyed my own company more than now.
One of the saddest things in life is when people, below your level, get the best of you. They are constantly ghosting but the thought of them still affects your decisions, your actions and your future way of living. It is a fucking shame. I have seen people who are so scared of facing the pain they would rather let it haunt them for a decade. I cannot stress the fact enough that I am terrified of ending up like a victim of someone else's pain they had to endure. Adding on to the pile of emotions, it is another thing that makes me angry; that I even put myself in a position that it even could become a possibility of ending up fucked up.
Fuck that. Keeping it real (like you never could).