Sometimes I have to stop myself from bitching inside my own head. I have a knack for getting extremely worked up over what is essentially nothing when it comes to people TELLING ME THE OBVIOUS.

For instance, I’m about to have my hair extensions replaced, but the new hair didn’t arrive on time of the day of my appointment. As a result, I have to wait until my next appointment, while being subjected to these kinds of comments: “You’re tape-ins are coming out”, “I can see the tape”. Oh really? This comes as a shock to me- I HAD NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON IN MY OWN HAIR THAT IS ON MY OWN HEAD. Thank you ever so much for pointing this out to me. Or like today in the grocery shop, I’m buying watermelon, and the customer behind me in the queue says: “ Watermelon - it’s very good for you”. I’m like, “Yes, I know, that is why I’m buying it”. I don’t know why it bugs me so much, like it’s pointless chit-chat. Tell me something I don’t know.

You will NEVER hear me saying to people: “Your hair is thinning on top of your head”, or “Cheeseburger? That’s unhealthy, makes you fat, cholesterol, heart-attack, yada yada”. Because I mind my own business.

It annoys me that I get so annoyed at people stating the obvious that I had to write a blog about it. I need to address these issues.

But while I’m at it, what also annoyed me today was when I was trying to read the front page of a newspaper in the shop, and a person stood behind me the ENTIRE time talking about my tattoos, asking questions, talking about the state of the world etc IN MY EAR. That is plain rude. Like, I’m trying to concentrate on reading, and you’re buzzing in my ear like an annoying fly, you selfish cunt. And then I feel extremely guilty for being so bitchy (even if it’s just inside my own head) and think I should be more loving towards people. But I don’t know how to be more friendly to people that annoy the shit out of me,

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*Old entry from another blogging site. Not recent. 3 years ago. Still funny!*

Unless my memory serves me wrong, I’ve only been on ONE date in my entire life. That was 2 years ago, with a guy I thought was attractive because he had exactly the same hair as I guy I’d been seeing (and fallen for) a few months earlier, but was trying to forget about. Not vain at all- but, in all honesty, the guy I had been seeing had such GREAT hair that I’m pretty sure I was more in love with his hair, than him as a person. I love hair, especially long hair, on men.

So, one sunny day I went parasailing with my best friend and two male friends, one of whom had insisted we all went together, and who also paid for it all. I don’t know if the guys saw our outing as some sort of double date - but we certainly didn’t. Someone invites me to go parasailing, hell yeah I’m in! So, we all jumped on the boat….seriously, I’m waffling SO BAD (I have ADHD, which is currently very bad, I go off on one all the time, change subjects, confuse people, lose focus, wander around aimlessly etc) I’m gonna get to the point now.

Long story short (but still long, sorry) - the mate on this particular parasailing boat was this guy with similar hair to the guy I was previously dating. Long, thick, straight dark brown hair with blonde streaks that had been bleached from sun and saltwater. Another thing they both had in common with each other was their super-tanned skin. I’m aware I’m sounding super-cheesy saying this, because quite frankly, “beach guys” don’t really do it for me at all. But this was more about the HAIR. I can fall in love with hair on men. I know this because I had a crush on Nikki Sixx’s hair for YEARS.

High on the post-parasailing adrenaline rush, I started to flirt shamelessly with this guy (much to the dismay of the dude paying for the trip), and as we were getting off the boat I asked for his number and he gave me his card. We arrange to meet a couple of weeks later, at a local bar.

I went through a lot of effort to make myself look presentable and turned up a bit late (always better to be late than to sit around the bar like Billy No Mates). Well, he ended up being even more than late than me, so I still sat at the bar like Billy No Mates when he arrived. But that was OK, I was excited to see him (and his hair) again. We lined up the shots and started chatting away, he was pretty fucking cool to hang out with. I kept looking at him thinking “if he just added a tattoo sleeve on his arm and changed his face, he’d be the spitting image of “X” (let’s call my previous dude that). From behind, with that hair, you really could not tell the difference.

Neither could my male boss at work, who walked in and surprised my date from behind (thinking it was X), by walking up to him and started playing with his hair and playfully stroking his head. My boss always messed with people in that way, but he also knew X very well and naturally assumed it was him I was sitting with, and not some random look-a-like. My date was slightly uncomfortable, no doubt thinking “who the fuck is this dude dry-humping my leg?’, and I explained “It’s just Jason, my boss, I’m pretty sure he thinks you’re somebody else.” Date goes: “Yeah, I bet he thinks I’m X”. Me (faking a surprised facial expression): “Oh really, you know each other?”. Date goes on to tell me that everyone always mistakes him for X, and vice versa. I still sit there with my pretend surprised facial expression on my face. I didn’t go into any details. My boss walks off, blissfully unaware that he had just molested a total stranger. Date just laughs it off and tells me that nothing surprises him in this town anymore. I wholeheartedly agree, and we carry on lining up the shots. Cue 5 minutes and my boss walks past again, this time coming from a different direction - meaning he sees the face of my date, and stops in his tracks. He looks at my date, then looks at me, his face turning white. He exclaims: “Helena! That’s not X! Why didn’t you tell me before I started molesting him?” We all burst out laughing and I told him that quite frankly, I thought it was hilarious and didn’t want to ruin such classic moment. He laughed, I laughed, my date laughed. Easy mistake to make if a person you know goes on a date with a guy who’s the spitting image of their ex/X.

But the fun didn’t end there. Fast forward another 10 minutes and a GIRL walks into the bar, straight up to my date. Apologises for being late. My date has the fucking cheek to introduce me to her. My inner bitch starts waking up. Is he having a laugh? Date orders another round of drinks, for the THREE of us, and “we” all start chit-chatting. I’m being polite, for the sake of it, but also because I’m utterly confused as to what the hell is going on right now, and the fact I thought it was too early to let the inner bitch out. However, inside my head I’ve already mentally murdered both of them. My facial expressions kept switching between “Resting Bitch Face”, Plastered On Fake Smile” and “If Looks Could Kill”. I’m literally sitting there like a lemon, wondering if it’s all a terrible joke. And just as I thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse, it does.

My date suddenly stands up. So does this bitch. He says: “Well, we’re gonna head over to (this other) bar. Do you want to join us?”. I’m gobsmacked. You could’t make this shit up. I politely declined, still wearing my best fake smile. The Bitch walks over to me, HUGS me and tells me it was lovely to meet me. I say goodbye to them both and leave the absolute royal clusterfuck of a scenario.

But, as I was leaving, my phone beeps. It’s X, wondering what I’m up to on this evening. And although he’s not the ideal person to get involved with again, I genuinely didn’t care at this point so I told him EXACTLY what and who I’m doing this evening. Him. Every cloud clearly has a silver lining. Fuck you “Guy With The Look-alike Hair”, and fuck you “Bitch Who Wasn’t Even Invited”. I’m going back to “The Hair I Originally Fell For”

What a joke of a date. Can you even call it a date? I’m certainly never going through that humiliating process again, that’s for sure. I believe that things should happen naturally. Dating like that is not for me.

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I have so much to say, really. But.

It's by no means a "new" discovery... BUT. I have a lot to say. And I do say "a lot", A lot (of words). What I've noticed when I speak my mind on social media though, is - what I deem as valid points- go unnoticed. And the mindless, stupid and vain selfies that I post get 50+ likes. This is where I realize that this IS where we are right now in society. No denying it. People rather mindlessly just scroll and click, instead of taking responsibility or allowing a bit of education to slip in. Why? Well, I guess theres a lot of shit going on in the world that none of us want to read about, and especially not to take responsibility for..., and that's the easy way to deal with it. Kinda skim through information, but ignore, as if no-one knew that you read it.

You do know you read it though, maybe it struck a chord, or maybe you don't care. I don't know the reason why people choose to ignore important things, and pay attention to the meaningless shit. Well, I think I do.... simply because it's easier to ignore. Believe me, I did for so many years too. And part of me still switch off when the information'news get way too difficult to process.

For example, I believe that charity begins at home, and that's one of the reasons why I stopped eating meat 3 years ago. Stopped drinking dairy milk about 10 years ago.... I still struggle with the transition between being vegetarian and vegan.... believe me it's hard. But I'm doing something, which is better than nothing. My own theory is that it's 100% better to be 95% vegan 100% of the time, than being 100% meat eater, 100% of the time. And although this post as really nothing to do with diet as such, my point is that we don't have to close our eyes just because we don't have a solution. Again, charity begins at home. 

Just do something, something that you believe in - to make this world a better place. What do you believe in? Deep down, when no-one is around... what do you truly believe is right and wrong, without getting influenced by the outside world; friends, family and media outlets?

Even if you might think you can't change the world - you can change YOUR world. This is where change starts. Let your charity begin at home too, no matter how big or small you think your own opinion is. There's no better time than now... 

Also, happy new year - let's make it a great one!

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It's crazy. As I'm typing this I have tears streaming down my face, trying to make sense of my emotions on a day like this.

Nov 13, 2016. On this day, 8 years ago, I lost my best friend Jameson. My cat. I don't care about your opinion about cats, but hopefully you will understand some of the grief I'm going through by keep reading this.

Thanks to Facebook, I get notified every year about what happened on this day. And believe me when I say that Nov 13, 2008 was a massively traumatic day in my life. I don't care if you're religious or what, but I'm spiritual. And I was bugging my boyfriend at the time when I had insane visions in my head of my cat dying. One day I even called him from work and asked him "Have you seen Jameson? I'm worried something will happen! Something is gonna happen to him, I know it!". And my lovely boyfriend kept trying to keep me calm by saying "It's OK, he's here now, you're freaking over nothing".

Then, on this fateful morning 8 years ago, I was awoken by a knock on our door. I literally tumbled out of bed and ran to answer, knowing exactly what had happened. It was our neighbor. She said a cat had been run over by a car, and she thinks it's Jameson. The panic that ensued... oh my god.. My boyfriend was already awake and aware of what was going on. Him and I ran across the road and spotted our BELOVED, beautiful cats body, lifeless on the side of the road. The shock that followed, the denial and enormous grief is hard to put into words, but let's just say I cried and puked nonstop, the rest of the day, and particularly while digging a grave for our Son in the garden, to give him a place to sleep, in the place he loved the most. (We 'rescued' Jameson from a neighbor who didn't want him. At the time of my boob job, this amazing feline spent all his time sleeping on my chest. I am entirely positive that thanks to his love, I healed up safely after surgery. It was his 'thank you' to me for bringing him into our home, and letting him stay)

My boyfriend at the time was a touring musician (still is). That was always fine by me, but the relationship me and Jameson had became so unique to the point that when Robin went away, Jameson knew when to sleep on Robins side of the bed. Jameson was never just a 'cat' or a 'pet' to me. Jameson was a friend, a healer and a soul that connected with my own soul. The bond we had was above most (if not all - well, alongside with my dog) connections I've ever had with other beings - human or animals. I understand it's hard for some to understand, but he showed me that true love can come from anywhere, anything and anybody. 

This is why, on this date every year, I struggle to understand why my beautiful friend had to be taken away from me, in such a cruel way. The driver didn't stop. We had to pick Jameson's almost cold body from the street, wrap his bleeding head and body into his favorite blanket and put him in the grave we lovingly made for him. I swear, I changed that day. It's hard to explain, but this animal showed me that there's a bigger sense of love in the universe. You have to feel, and connect in order to understand how the world works. He surprised me. I didn't even want a cat!

I'm still crying typing this. The love I have for this boy will never die or end, but at the time I still had so much love to give, and the void in my heart pointed me to a cat, on a rescue website, in another city. A cat that had been hit by a car, left for dead and had his teeth knocked out and tail amputated. He couldn't even walk.I felt that I needed to help him.

A few phone calls and volunteer drivers later, this beautiful cat was in my house. I named him Owl Capone - his face looked like an owl and his markings/fur like a husky dog. Owl Capone. I was told to never let him out as he wouldn't last a day - he went from strength to strength and now completely recovered and happy.   I am convinced we healed each other... So, on this day, the date I l lost my Jameson, seeing as we never knew when Capone was born or how old he was, I decided to make it a positive thing, and a special day to celebrate both of them. I have asked Robin to light a candle on Jameson's grave, and my friend Tania to give cuddles and birthday love to Capone today 

Rest in peace beautiful Jameson. And happy birthday my gorgeous, happy little boy Capone. I LOVE you both so dearly it's hard to describe, but I had to put my feelings about this into words to make some sense of it all.

I have so much more to say but I'm gonna leave it like this. Maybe a friendly advice in there somewhere... - FEEL THE LOVE... regardless where it comes from... it might teach you something new..

Goodnight sweethearts. Love you, always forever <3

Hugging me this way while he sleeps...

OWL CAPONE!

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....between knowing that you're perfectly happy the way things are going, safe in the knowledge you don't need, or have to rely on, anybody for anything... yet, miss that absolutely free, basic human desire of an occasional emotional -and sometimes physical- feeling of comfort & belonging.

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It's important to pay attention to, and appreciate the little things in life. Even though day-to-day living is no doubt a  source of stress and worry, we should always take a few moments to remember the things we need to be grateful for.

The more we notice the amazing things that happens to us every day, the easier it is to live a happier life.

The other day, someone said to me:

​"There is something so special about your soul, that I've never seen in anybody else before. There is something so genuine about your heart".

​I will never forget those words. Especially coming from somebody that doesn't even know me that well, someone I don't really hang out with or am romantically involved with.  It made my day.

I hope I made someone else's day too,, on that day.

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This summer, I went to L.A 3 times. I just had to, I was in love. Not with a person, but with a place, commonly known as the City of Angels.

And tonight, on this slightly cool and dark October night, I look back on all the amazing memories I made there with my friends, new as well as old. It's a city that fills me with curiosity, inspiration & excitement. It has so much to offer, yet it's not for everybody. City life can be hard, but I miss it. The music scene is awesome, and i love hanging out at the Rainbow with all the old school rockers.

I smile/facepalm when I think of all the stupid shit that went down on my birthday trip. From hanging out at the Rainbow with all sorts of rockers, punks and ex-pornstars, drinking everything in sight, up to no good in the cave, falling down stairs, afterparties and hilarious cab journeys, to daytime sightseeing (not everybodys cup of tea - some of us were way to hungover to even breathe on some days!), to discovering new amazing restaurants, food, museums, hills, views, sunsets and sunrises...

One of my fondest memories from the summer is sitting on the balcony in our rented Hollywood apartment, looking out on the nighttime sky and all the silhouette rooftops, palm trees and stars, with my English friend Sam, wrapped in warm blankets, drinking red wine and talking for hours about everything and nothing, while the other 2 were sound asleep in the other room. Little moments like that make the most special memories to last a lifetime. Felt so blessed and serene knowing I had all I needed in that very moment. (I think we felt rather worse for wear the next morning though....we have a tendency to not know when to stop, or rather, we do know - we just don't!)

Either way, Los Angeles, I miss you! I shall be back as soon as time & money will allow me too, hopefully accompanied by some of my finest blonde besties. I miss this view... goodnight!

XOXOXOX


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"Better" (Guns ' Roses)

No one ever told me when 
I was alone 
They just thought I'd know better, better

The hardest part 
This troubled heart 
Has never yet been through now
Was heal the scars 
That got their start 
Inside someone like you now

For had I known 
Or I'd been shown 
Back when how long it'd take me
To break the charms 
That brought me harm 
And all but would erase me

I never would 
Or thought I could 
No matter what you'd pay me
Replay the part
You stole my heart 
I should have known you're crazy

If all I knew 
Was that with you 
I'd want someone to save me
It'd be enough
But just my luck 
I fell in love and maybe 

All that I wanted was 
Now I know you better 
You know I know better

So bittersweet
This tragedy
Won't ask for absolution
This melody

Inside of me

Still searches for solution

A twist of faith

A change of heart 

Cures my infatuation
A broken heart 
Provides the spark 
For my determination

No one ever told me when 
I was alone 
They just thought I'd know better, better

All that I wanted was

Now I know you better 
You know I know better 

I never wanted you to be so full of anger
I never wanted you to be somebody else
I never wanted you to be someone afraid to know themselves 
I only wanted you to see things for yourself 

All that I wanted was

Now I know you better 
Now we all know better
All that I wanted was 


If I were you
I'd manage to
Avoid the invitation 
Of promised love 
That can't keep up 
With your adoration 

Just use your head
And in the end
You'll find your inspiration
To choose your steps
And won't regret
This kind of aggravation

No one ever told me when 
I was alone 
They just thought I'd know better

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