So I've lately been thinking about pushing myself to the limit, where I have to think about why I am doing so to myself. What I mean is that I put so much pressure on myself, that I start stressing and when for example I fail an essay or final exam, I start blaming myself and saying to myself "you could have done better". During these three years of studies I have had quite a lot of those failed final exams or essays in a course. Sometimes I have had to admit to myself that there isn't always time. Time to read for a final exam in order to pass a final exam/essay and pass the course. And when all this piles up one after another, I can sit at home and just cry my eyes out blaming myself for such a shitty job. Only thing that I can say is, I had a really fucked up fall with personal issues and a lot of stress about school.

I mean not everyone has that overly-positive-smile on their face every goddamn day and make every negative energy go away. Not me at least. I can admit it. I have always been a pessimist and if one thing goes wrong, my everyday life is not a walk through a rose garden. Still, our friends and classmates asks how you're doing and they expect you to say that everything is okay, when it's just the opposite. Like the feeling that you want to cry, because you can't handle shit anymore. By shit I mean all the thoughts that whirl inside your head and the anxiety about achieving well in school. In our country you are supposed to be strong, both emotionally and physically. You can't show any emotions in public without feeling ashamed for e.g. crying. Well, at least I feel ashamed of it, I mean people think you're weird if you suddenly start crying in a bus or in the middle of the street. It sucks really.

The lack of motivation part may not seem relevant to this but in my head it's almost that. You see, the lack of motivation appears at the end of every school term. I also can find it rather exhausting to have so many courses during a term, but what can you do.. Not so much that I can do anymore when I'm supposed to graduate in Spring, hopefully.

Really confusing blog post but I love writing. Even though it's about my boring thoughts, it helps me a little to get it out of my head.


Until later,


Heidi



Move your blog to Nouw - now you can import your old blog - Click here

Likes

Comments

Hi!


So first day of year 2018. So much has happened during the last few months, I mean I cannot be happier right now. Also sad about time going by so fast, but I have to say I'm excited about the future and what the new year will contain. I have felt sad and scared about spring because it means a whole lot of individual work with the candidate thesis. I'm so bad at self-discipline when it comes to studying by myself. Not to worry, I'm going to do a work schedule.

What I've learned is that I should be more positive about my studying. I have had some setbacks which have torn me down and it has honestly been quite exhausting. I'm really hard on myself when everything seems to fall apart. On the other hand, I have been distracted by other positive things in my life. So I have to look back and just smile a little and think that life isn't that serious.

I just realized at a concert in December how much emotional sh*t I've been through this fall. Like is it normal even to start crying in a middle of a concert because the song fits into your own life? At the time I just let the tears fall because who cares. But if someone's wondering what artist I saw live, it was Reino Nordin and I just fell in love with his music even more during the concert. just mind-blowing how well a guy can sing.

Today I thought about deleting this blog because I don't think anyone is interested in my deep thoughts/everyday life- thing called a blog of mine. Nevertheless this has been an important channel to write my thoughts into words when I haven't been able to say them out loud. Maybe I will write more often this year or write super seldom like always, you never know.

Soon this first day of January will be over and tomorrow I have to get some serious school things done. And watch some Netflix as usual. I don't know how to spend Christmas holidays really.


Until next time,


Heidi





Likes

Comments

Hi there.

I don't know if it's the fact that a new semester of studies is around the corner that gives me motivation to write a little again. Tomorrow I have my last day at work and I couldn't be more happy about it right now.! I feel both frightened to go back to all stress and studying, but at the same time excited to start the last year of uni. Man, these past two years have gone by so fast. I can still remember the first nervous days and the insecurity that every one had. 


I can say after these past two years that I've grown as a person, learned a lot about my future profession and learned that some people are super two faced. I still know that I haven't seen everything yet, but I'm pretty sure that I have figured out something about people and life. Okay, so I don't know what I'm trying to say here... I know for sure that I'm still deep inside this insecure human being who has way too high expectations about herself and kind of the reasons that I stress so much about not being better at everything. I mean, it does drive me crazy when I'm trying to write an essay on any subject and I have to re-write it. That does kill me inside.. Literally, takes out every last piece of motivation that is left. Phew, I know that it would help to talk to someone about these super beat-myself-up-thoughts , but have not had the guts to do it. I have these moments when I have to wrap myself into my own shell and I start to doubt everything I do and everything I am. I can hereby say that I'm forever going to be a pessimist. I always have something negative on my mind. Sometimes all I can come to think of is negative. This state of mind happens when I'm super stressed and I do hate it. The weird feeling of having to throw up, but it actually never happens. To top it all off, I start to avoid people and public places. Avoiding situations where someone will think you're weird when you haven't said a word for fifteen minutes. Instead of facing these situations I go home. Cry. Breathe. Cry some more. Then listen to some sad music. Eating myself full of sugar or something I find. Yeah, and then also the anxiety and panic on top of that. Man , I hate all that. I hope that I won't stress my brain out when I'm starting to write "the big essay". FML. Likaväl slår jag mitt huvve i väggen. Eller ba sitter på golvet och gråter. Panic attack crying is unstoppable if you don't talk to someone who can calm you the hell down. 


Okay I have no idea why I wrote this, I'm just going to stop here okay bye.



I will write you next time I have something more happy to write about. Like that will ever happen.



Bye,

Heidi


Heidi







Likes

Comments

Hi there.

I had this dream last night, from which I don't remember anything else but the feeling I always get after it. It is a feeling of insufficiency, that I can't help the situation and that there's nothing to be done anymore.

Otherwise here is nothing new going on, I'm working five days a week and I see all the days passing by. Hell, soon it's August and I'm back studying again. I can't believe the fact that every summer goes by so fast and I haven't done anything fun. Yeah, I don't count working as fun, I just do it because of the money, hah. I'm happy to say that I'm stress free right now, it only took me two weeks to calm my nerves down after a reaaally stressful Spring.

Right now the only thing I'm slightly stressing about is the bachelor's thesis. I mean what the fuck am I going to write about or research about?!? Omg, a few people in my class has already everything figured out like always. Then again, why do I make this into such a big deal, I mean 30 pages is not that much. Okay I'm just kidding that's a freaking whole lot to write. I can't just come up with an idea two weeks before the deadline. Oh shit, my brain is just laughing at me right now because I'm such a loser. and a worrying kind. I've heard it several times, the fact that I'm a worrier and just making all decisions so difficult. Like it doesn't matter if I make some bad decisions sometimes. I just have to work on that.

Okay I will have some serious problems getting my shit together regarding the student association that I'm a member in. My position as culture- and sport liable wasn't such a great decision I made at the beginning of the year. I mean, my motivation has hit rock bottom when it comes to arrange different events. It's like the worst post you can take on in a student association board. Phew, luckily I only have to be on board until December. Hurray.


Okay bye for now,


Heidi

Likes

Comments

Hello!

I'm back in business again. After a really relaxing Christmas holiday, I'm happy to be back studying again. Luckily I was smart enough to invest in something I've missed for couple of years now. By that I'm referring to dancing. I can feel it inside me because I have so much more energy and I feel happier.

I do somehow feel that this year will be a different in so many ways. Hopefully everything will be different in a positive way. Now I'm just waiting for spring and the sun so that I can get a little bit of color in my face. In winter I always look like a ghost who hasn't seen daylight for 50 years... Now I'm kidding, it's just how the winter effects me. But over all, my studies are going well and my life is gooood.

As my blogpost's title is saying 'dance', I have to tell you what kind of new dances I've started. It's twerking and dancehall fusion. I've never tried these dances before and after the first lessons I haven't been able to walk normally cause my thighs are sore. I'm feeling like an old grandma when I walk somewhere in public. I hope my muscles get used to this very soon. haha.




That was everything for now. Bye.



Heidi

Likes

Comments

Time goes by too fast... I mean soon it's December. I'm so happy for gaga's new album!! I had to buy it the first day they released it in the stores. What else.. I have tons of schoolwork but that is stuffed that I'm used to. Stuff I'm not used to is people who get pregnant in my age...Yeah, one of my friends is expecting her first baby and she and her boyfriend are studying so I'm kind of wondering how that is going to turn out.. 😄 anyhow I've been thinking how it'd be if it happened to me and how terrified I would be of the thought. I do have a thought of first study-then work for a while and then kids.... maybe. Life is so unpredictable it freaks me out a bit. Also the fact that people can say that they want to have kids before a certain age makes me irritated. Just live your life here and now.. don't be so future fixated for heaven's sake..

Another thing I've been thinking about is panic attacks. Why I have them more often when I'm drunk rather than when I'm sober. The first time I had one attack was sober at the gym... Back then I thought it was a heart attack. The difference between these to is the crying. I cry during the panic attack when I'm drunk. Not that 'I cry cause I want sympathy" kind of cry. It's rather the kind of cry where it feels like your out of breath and just want somebody to come and hug you. I don't know why I'm telling you all this but it calmes me knowing that I'm not the only one having this kind of problem. So that's why I write about it, rather than be ashamed about it.


Until later,

Heidi

Likes

Comments

Hi! I have had a lazy Sunday and done some school work. Ready for the next week, simple as that!  😊

Until laterz,

Heidi

Likes

Comments

Hello there.


I haven't written anything for a while. I have no other excuse than lack of motivation to write about my daily life. I know that it helps me to go through my emotions and feelings. When I'm writing this I'm just being overwhelmed by everything. I feel alone in my home because there are no one I could turn to in this town with these thoughts. Well enough of this crap. I'm here in the capital this weekend because I'm going to be serving food and drinks on a "sitz" tomorrow. From what I heard we're going to get some kind of revenge from the ones organizing it. Whoopsie.. We didn't think it through when we forced the waitresses on our sitz to drink 1,5 liters of champagne haha.

So today I've been to the gym, been to the market square and to the market hall. I tasted the world's best cupcakes. One of them had Marianne on the frosting. Delicious! Perfect for procrastinating all school work. Luckily all I have tomorrow is time so I will be more productive then.

Oh and I've started taking dance classes again. This time it's a new dance style. Reggaeton! So it's pretty hard to shake that ass to be honest.

​Take care,


Heidi

Likes

Comments

So hi.


I don't really know why I'm writing this but it's making me feel better to get it written. I have had a lot of stress recently and still have. I really have to say I'm procrastinating just to avoid everything I have to do. School deadlines and now this new tutoring thing which involves a lot of planning and writing. Then I start overthinking and then I come home crying with a feeling my chest is going to explode. *almost a panic attack* So yeah there you go. That was last week.

I had my first panic attack two months ago and I didn't know what it was about. I was at the gym at the moment and thought I would have a heart attack or something until I realized that everything had to do with panic. I think that my panic and stuff has had to do with stress and me thinking I'm failing every essay because one failed and I have to write it again.  That failure feeling is really the worst. All these 'what if'-thoughts is killing me inside. And the worst thing I have experienced was being drunk and getting a panic attack. Maybe I shouldn't drink when I feel like crap. But whatever if people cry in public? I mean it's nothing wrong with that... people just stare and think WTF is wrong with that girl? Well, let's be clear here.. Life isn't dancing on roses and those who really think that they should open their eyes and realize that life isn't like in the movies.....

I'm fine, everything is ok..... No I'm not okay always.. Last time I felt like shit was yesterday and I felt like I could throw...

So dear readers, if there are any, I will be much happier when I have written every deadline which are too many right now, I will try to be happy about summer. Although I don't have a summer job. I'm just going to relax and not stress about aaaaanyything... Such an honest post.. wish I had written about this sooner. 




So long,



Heidi

Likes

Comments

Hello!


So here's a recap of everything what I've been doing these past few weeks. I thought it would be nice with pictures instead of me writing humbug. I've celebrated my birthday with my friends here in Helsinki and in Turku. Last weekend was really fun with L and J. I've also bought new shoes, high heels in fact and new overall badges which I should glue onto the overall when I have got the time.


But now back to studying!



Take care,



Heidi​

Likes

Comments