So I've lately been thinking about pushing myself to the limit, where I have to think about why I am doing so to myself. What I mean is that I put so much pressure on myself, that I start stressing and when for example I fail an essay or final exam, I start blaming myself and saying to myself "you could have done better". During these three years of studies I have had quite a lot of those failed final exams or essays in a course. Sometimes I have had to admit to myself that there isn't always time. Time to read for a final exam in order to pass a final exam/essay and pass the course. And when all this piles up one after another, I can sit at home and just cry my eyes out blaming myself for such a shitty job. Only thing that I can say is, I had a really fucked up fall with personal issues and a lot of stress about school.
I mean not everyone has that overly-positive-smile on their face every goddamn day and make every negative energy go away. Not me at least. I can admit it. I have always been a pessimist and if one thing goes wrong, my everyday life is not a walk through a rose garden. Still, our friends and classmates asks how you're doing and they expect you to say that everything is okay, when it's just the opposite. Like the feeling that you want to cry, because you can't handle shit anymore. By shit I mean all the thoughts that whirl inside your head and the anxiety about achieving well in school. In our country you are supposed to be strong, both emotionally and physically. You can't show any emotions in public without feeling ashamed for e.g. crying. Well, at least I feel ashamed of it, I mean people think you're weird if you suddenly start crying in a bus or in the middle of the street. It sucks really.
The lack of motivation part may not seem relevant to this but in my head it's almost that. You see, the lack of motivation appears at the end of every school term. I also can find it rather exhausting to have so many courses during a term, but what can you do.. Not so much that I can do anymore when I'm supposed to graduate in Spring, hopefully.
Really confusing blog post but I love writing. Even though it's about my boring thoughts, it helps me a little to get it out of my head.