It has now been a month since my last post. The good news is that I passed my final and I get to continue on with the surgical tech program. I also made the Dean’s List and can join Phi Theta Kappa now.

Though these great things have happened the seasonal depression has still sunk it’s teeth in me. Pretty deep. The stress from school has left me, but I still deal with the stress of other life’s dilemmas.

The anniversary of my grandmothers death has seemed to weigh on me more and more each year as I get older. I wish that I had valued our time together more, but I guess everyone feels that way when they lose someone. I know she would be proud of me and my accomplishments now, I just wish she was around to see them first hand.

Being in surgery and all, I was in a CABG about a month before Christmas (she died 5 days after Christmas day). CABG stands for Coronary Artery Bypass Grafting. It’s open heart surgery...and is the surgery my grandmother did not make it through. This persons surgery was the exact same, down to the number of bypasses done. Seeing someone’s heart beating before you is quite a sobering moment. Watching it stop is even more so. This man was fortunate to have an incredible Cardiovascular surgeon and as far as I know he made it through. It sounds wrong, but I question how this mans procedure could go so smoothly while my grandmothers ended horribly. This weighs on my mind a lot.

Next I lose a friend. Not to death, but because of my own reasons...I felt this person was not making good decisions and normally I do not judge, but I also do not HAVE to keep someone around that I feel brings negative energy to my life. Even if they have been a long term friend. Sorry, but I have my own issues to deal with I cannot solve yours.

With all of these feelings attacking me at once, what I thought would be a relaxing break has been anything but. It is my last week of freedom and I’m going to PAX South in San Antonio with my boyfriend and I just hope that I can have a good time and forget all the negative things and be at peace with my life and my decisions.

Also, fuck new years resolutions. If I want to make a change in my life, I don’t need a new year to do so.

P.S. I got glasses for my chronic headaches and so far they are working. I still plan on getting my daith pierced after I graduate. I also quit smoking cigarettes for about a month now!

-this is so much better than writing in a journal because my hand would have cramped up by now.

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The last few weeks have been difficult for me. The amount of pressure and stress put on me at school has been absolutely overwhelming. I haven't had the easiest time coping with all of this stress. Being in class for 7 hours every day except the weekends is starting to take it's toll on me and when I get home I have no motivation to do anything that I know needs to be done.

In times before when my stress and depression start to overwhelm me I was working out and it helped me tremendously. Where I am at now, it's really hard for me to do that. I want to stop making excuses and at least do home work outs or yoga since I know that I cannot afford a monthly subscription to a gym, but it's still hard.

This week I am thankfully exempt from two finals because I am making A's in the classes, however we are not allowed to be exempt from our lab practical. The one thing that can make or break me. I was fortunate to pass the first one and continue on in the program....this one is definitely more difficult than the last. I'm just trying to relax until my practical on Wednesday and maintain positive vibes until I can finally be on Christmas break.

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