It has literally been a month. A whole month with thirty days, and if you minus it with about nine days you get the EXACT date. And since then I haven’t even been here. Three weeks and I have not googled this site to log in and spread all my feelings officially a single time. And my life have kept going. The days have rolled by and rolled by and I haven’t as much as flinched. It has been three good weeks though, don’t get me wrong. It was all just very ordinary. Like I could have as much fun as I used to and hang out with friends and I used to act smart and study and learn things to later forget them. I could eat and sleep and train according to the usual schedule (when I mean not at all to training). I could spend my time doing things I love and things I hate and everything in between that I sort of accept. I have done it too. It has all been very great and very nice and fun and successful. I have been very positive most of the time, now that I look back at it.
And it has deep down been awful. Because I came to realise a thing about myself that I cannot even hate because it comes too close to me, and it is so well rooted in my body that I haven’t even thought about it before now, when it started to suffocate and I noticed its existence.
I am not a positive person. I am not a person who have a great and very nice and fun and successful time and then nothing more. I am not the person I have tried to be for the last three weeks. I have a level beneath, and then another, and then another, and then another and they just keep coming. And all the levels containing small pieces of classified information are bound together like a net in every direction and it’s also a complex thing when they are closer to each other than that. And this net, these levels, have never in my entire life been exposed to another living person. Yet they are the ones that drive everything, they are like the brain that have all the power. And they have such a complex job and since my puberty hit me all too early in life they have been thicker and they have grown and the system is now so big it got to get recognised. It doesn’t fit entirely under the surface. And I used to, these past years, to have a lot of mental breakdowns and every week I would at some night tip the iceberg over and then cry myself to sleep. But it was shaky and unstable. It’s like breathing. You do it all the time, not hold your breath a minute and then breathe in all you can. Your body keeps craving oxygen.
It was not until I left it that I understood that this blog is my oxygen. It is here everything comes out and it makes more sense than tears because it’s actual words. It is so handy because I can use it every day and it doesn’t give me a headache as long as I don’t have too bright lighting on my screen. And it is also a more regular and actually funnier way to reveal the true me.
So why did I stop? It’s the end of the year, I simply didn’t have time. And I didn’t think I needed it so bad.
But what would happen to you if you couldn’t breathe?
So now I am back again and I got to say, this reduces a lot of anxiety. Already I feel more complete and whole.
Tears contain a sort of painkiller that is six times stronger than morphine. But writing your mind out is a pain destroyer. Because it doesn’t disappear for a while like tears make it do. It makes you understand the pain and start working. And soon you don’t feel a thing.
Goodbye for today.