I have never been sure on how you start when you’re about to write a blog post. Every time I click on the field and press “text” I then stand still for almost a minute, just thinking, sorting out the things that first comes to mind, like “Goooood morning people” or “HowYahDoin’”. Extremely cheesy. What is it with me and trying to breaking the ice with awkward phrases in dialects that I don’t know how to speak? I am glad this isn’t a huge reflex in the real world, that way I am sure neither of my current friends would be anything other than my friends from before.
Okay, let’s get this baby going. So what is new with me? I haven’t used Girl77 in a long time now, except for like a week ago, an evening when I felt especially weak and that my mind was closed to real people. Because, as I said, (if it said it, I am not entirely certain) my hands have been filled. Let’s see. About two or three tests a week. A lot of work in school too, except that. I have confirmation studies one day a week and sometimes have to go to the church on Sunday. I hang out a lot with my friends. I try my best to get working with career things (never too early, and I also have extremely high demands on myself). I plan a lot of things, go to events and parties and was just last week at camp with my confirmation group. I have not have extremely much free time, which I kind of enjoy. I used to get really bored out last year and the year before, because as soon as school had ended ridiculously early, my schedule was sadly empty. Every time. And when you get restless your brain gets its own entertainment by giving you anxiety and depression and dark feelings and laughing as you cry deep into the nights. Having a lot to do, when you really have to do it, makes you automatically productive. You just deal with it because it is good for you and you won’t regret it afterwards. Keeping yourself busy means keeping your brain busy, and that means neither of you have time for tears or sadness. You feel better when you actually use your energy and your time to accomplish things. I get pretty tired from sleeping a small amount, but soon the holiday is coming up and I have a lot of sleeping to catch up with. That is actually my only plan. Except a party on this Friday, one on Sunday and then a visit to the cinema to do somewhere around Halloween. And doing my bullet journal. Does that surprise you? Because I am the most organised person I know, if I just bother. And lately, my surroundings have excepted me to bother. My friends except me to meet time at all times and having fun, and I LOVE to do that no matter what, but then there is my parents who except me to behave and my teachers who except me to succeed in my career because they SOMEHOW (cough cough E and B’s fault) know about it. And my grandparents? Shouldn’t even get started. I mean, most of you that have grandparents know they really put their hopes in you, but mine almost KNOW that I will be the best in the class at every test and get the highest grades and the highest education and then a good job etcetera. But even though it’s extremely hard to please everyone, I love having this challenge, love handling so much pressure at one time and I love making them proud. That makes me proud to, because all of these things that people around me want, I demand. I am not really going easy either, to say it lightly.
And I know I am complaining about shit. I know I am in a position that would make me the happiest in the world. Rich country with rich parents living in a big house, having real friends and a good future ahead of me. Rolling on just as it’s supposed to. I have food. I have a bed. I have education. I have the right to human needs and the possibilities for human wishes. And seriously, I feel bad every day about this. Because I still can not smile and mean it. I still can’t do any better than fake. The whole me is a shadow of life and not really worthy of such a good life. And I am sorry. I am sorry for complaining. But I am not a happy person. I am not positive, I am not thrilled about life. I am appreciating its every second, but that never makes up to a darkness that seriously have inflamed my whole system. This is such normal teenage things, right? But yeah, it doesn’t make it even a little better because of that. It rather makes it worse, knowing how much suffering people are in these days.
Did you know that the anxiety levels at today’s high school students are the same as the 1940’s mental hospital patients? Seriously, when people feel about school as it is a clinical, feelingless and grey place without any sane people in it, and they themselves are on the edge of possible depression or insanity, something has gone wrong. Something is wrong with today and something is wrong with us. And I don’t know how to fix it. I just pray that happier times are coming.
If you’re going through hell, keep going.
Bye for today.