So Nouw announced some sort of competition today. It had a lot of rules and I won’t drag it all for you unexcisting readers, just the part that caught my eyes. As it turns out, a part of the challenge was to write a blog post with your own tips to have a wonderful fall. A WONDERFUL fall. Yep, that’s what I work with. It seriously made me wonder what I am doing on this platform anyway. This is a place for the happy people. The ones that want to have a wonderful fall and WILL have a wonderful fall, because even if everything goes awful they will keep the things that really matters, like confidence and self respect and positivity and life spirit. And don’t think I am making fun of them, I wish that I myself could keep these things, could have them in the first place. But that is not me. I am not someone who spread happiness around me. I am just a regular person who lost all the things that really mattered, who still have the big house and rich parents, the good grades and the future opportunities, things that most people want if they don’t have it. Who have a loving family and loving friends, things that everyone want if they don’t have it. But who don’t have confidence and self respect and positivity and life spirit, things that are so natural and so normal that most people do have it, and those who don’t, don’t even want it because it has gone to far without it so they don’t even know what it is anymore. Imagine a phone. If the phone have low battery, it wants to get loaded. If the phone is dead, you can still hold in certain buttons and it will desperately show that it wants to get loaded. But if the phone have been smashed into pieces, dropped from Empire State Building and stomped on by someone with steel heels, then it doesn’t function. The battery could be full, but something more important than the battery, the phone itself, is broken and it won’t care about the battery being full or half or low or even out, because that is not something that would make a difference. It still doesn’t work. You can not use it. It is completely dead, no matter how much you try to load it. Something deeper, more important, isn’t there.
The point was, I am not a very Nouwy person. The reason to why I got here in the first place is not even to share my insecurity, self hate, negativity and death wish, even though it might seem so by the things I write. Yeah, as I have said in the past, I created this blog a long time ago. And it was only because the most popular girl in our year, who should be called P here, created a blog. She posted it on her Instagram, I think. And I did not stalk her Instagram at all, I just happened to be scrolling through her feed when the link popped up and interested me a little, so I went to check it out. And then I read all her posts. She was an amazing writer, really like anyone else at Nouw. And she wrote about her life, perfect straight through. Seriously, nothing about her wasn’t perfect. She have better grades than me in every subject, and where I can’t get higher grades, we team up. And I thought I was a good writer, the one thing that was a little special with me, but she beat me even there. I decided to start a blog too, because she needed a little competition and I also wanted to. But then I felt weird telling my parents about it, so I didn’t, and then I felt guilty about pouring my whole life out to strangers without their knowing. That is why I made it anonymous, naming it Girl77 because I had just read Zoella’s Girl Online and wanted something similar. And then I don’t know what happened. I never used it. I just continued reading all her updates and not crushing at her so bad. (Yes, I did have a crush on her. Some straight people, I have understood, have a crush on the most popular person in their class of the opposite gender (mostly not a real crush, more because they know they are following the stream if they do and that it is right and accepted people to be crushing on, because everyone desires them and that means they are of higher worth and perfect human beings), and then they are jealous about the most popular person in their class of the same gender. Now, I am not saying that this is for all bisexuals, this is maybe only me, but I ended up being jealous of P because she was everything I was not and have a small crush on the most popular boy, O because that was normal. And then I also ended up having a small crush on P because she was perfect and everyone liked her and I just wanted to be close to her, and being jealous of O because he could have her and I couldn’t. It was all just a mess and I didn’t even know that there was something called bisexual at the time so the mess grew even bigger as I couldn’t understand it. These feelings felt more and more faked through the years, and silly so they eventually went away. P and O actually got together a couple of months ago and I couldn’t help it but hate them both and still like them both and the chaos came to life again.
Well, well, well, I will go to sleep soon but until then I have nothing better to do so I will try a new thing. I won’t give you any tips, no one should go after me on anything because it’s clearly not going well. But maybe I will tell you a few things that I like about the fall. Think of it as in the end of a movie, when the grumpy and bossy and angry character is tearing up and showing a little precious stuff about themselves, a little emotion. Here we go.
1. The cozy lamps in my room. I never use the one in the roof, instead I turn on every small lamp with a softer light that makes everything really cozy and cute.
2. The evenings when it’s raining outside, almost storm, but inside there are tons of blankets and hot chocolate and books to read.
3. The evenings when it is perfectly clear weather, just extremely cold, and I am wearing my jacket and scarf and tall black shoes and shoving my hands down my pockets and having headphones, listening to Youngblood or any other song I may be stuck on for the moment and just being in love. It is awesome fantasising about crushes at the fall. Everything gets so romantic.
4. Takeout food, Netflix and friends. Not necessarily all of them together, I love each one of them separate to, just a little extra this time of year.
5. Getting away to other worlds. The fall seems like a productive time of year, when you work a lot in school, hang out a lot with friends and using all your free time. But it is always extremely nice reading books or watching television shows because they aren’t you and your life. It is an escape that really creates adventures these dark fall days.
6. Halloween and scary movies and everything in the whole genre, I love it all and it have always been a great passion to me, spending weeks trying out the Halloween costumes or just sitting in the sofa or my bed, someplace warm and comfortable and getting scared knowing it isn’t real.
7. The fact that I may have made up myself, telling you that it’s fine to eat a lot of extra candy and chocolate on the fall.
8. The way the fall looks. No, I never thought I would admit something like that, but deep down I always gets a little happier when I walk surrounded by trees that are so classical orange and red and yellow, making it all seem more interesting.