I’m sorry. The thing I posted a few days ago was while I was deeply upset. I cried for everything cause it felt like I had to. Otherwise I would just be a living case, like a shell, of depression. But it went over. This evening I’m crying of sadness. It’s a beautiful thing, really. Maybe one of my favourite feelings.
I mean, we don’t talk much these days. At some point, we all feel lonely. I ain’t much of a secret keeper. I tell my best friend B like everything. She know so much about me that she can even tell you in which order I put my lipsticks in the makeup box in my room. (Yes I do have a special order for that. No, it’s not like I have OCD or another serious disease. I just aren’t a fan of change. That is one of the worst things life makes you go through. Change. On every single thing. They can’t even let your most beautiful memories alone. If your life is long it will be a day when you don’t remember. Not the grades your fighting for now. Not the name of your own parents, the persons who raised you and now are long gone. Not that your best friends even exist, if they still do will say. It’s like something I read: “Strangers can become best friends just as easily as best friends can become strangers.” It’s all change. And a lot of it isn’t pleasant. And you can’t ever get used to it.)
But now, that hasn’t much to do with the thing I wanted to talk about. And it’s the beauty in sadness. Sure happiness is pretty good too. After all, that’s when you’re feeling well. But it doesn’t make your mind work.
According to me, happiness is like a fluffy cloud in your brain. Anger is the fire and fear is the ice. Depression is a poisonous fog that slowly take out its life.
But then we have sadness, and that won’t ever blurry your vision. Sadness is a clear liquid that you easily can see through. It still makes you see the world, and you will take in the things around you and understand it. You will get it straight. This is the feeling that makes me write the most.
A couple of months ago I was sad about something I can’t really remember. The thing I wrote, who I’m still a little proud of, was: “Sometimes the happiest thing you can do is cry. It won’t distract you or make it feel better. But it is the right thing to do in that situation, and if you hold it in it will definitely get worse.”
Now I’m ending with a little list.
Other things I write when I’m sad:
1. Song lyrics. I’m not a very musical girl, but it’s touching. My own explanation of singing is actually that you’re saying the words with the exact amount of pain that is in your head.
2. Poems. Usually about life. I try not to struggle with finding meaning in it, because it’s such a human thing to do. But sometimes I have to, because otherwise I see no point in it and think that I might as well end it.
3. Suicide notes. I am not the most suicidal person, but suicide notes always helps anyways. It gets it all out, you know. Last words do not tend to be lies. Because the truth won’t give you consequences.
4. A story. Always about a girl, I don’t know why but probably because I identify as one, and she has a vision no one else can understand. Her philosophy is so obvious, like: “Why do you cry because he’s dead? We all know that every single human on this planet will die. You can’t get surprised by it.” When she thinks about world she sees it for what it is. And she stands for every word she says. Is it a more real and honest version of me? Or my alter ego, coming alive on pages? Don’t know. Won’t ever find out.
5. Ideas. I wish I had an insane amount of creativity. I don’t. Riddles are actually hard for me too often. But when I’m sad it all breaks through. I am not productive, but my mind is working on it’s highest level.
6. Nothing. Sometimes the things I write are unreadable afterwards, because the page is too wet from all my tears. That get lost. Don’t affect me.
I’m joking, of course. The most basic thing to know about life is that everything will affect you. Since our minds are so sensitive. You know. Human thing.
Bye for today.