My heart feels literally heavy. Like I can’t pick it up, it’s stuck in a sickness of self destruction. No special reason. Although, the person I dreamt of until today have got a girlfriend. Great. I don’t know if I even was in love with him, or just attracted, it was unclear like everything that isn’t visual usually are. But I am a dreamer. They say that all girls are, which of course is a lie, I really hate that kind of stereotypes. But when you read a lot, write a lot, and don’t spend as much time with real people, rather watch them from some sort of distance, a lot of dimensions and universes creates in your head. They aren’t supposed to leave, but they have roots in the real world so as a fact, they won’t ever disappear. Whatever I do, it’s not the only thing I do. I exist as a different person, in a different situation, a different time, different place, in my mind. Sometimes plural.
No, I wasn’t planning our wedding. Or the name of our kids that we won’t ever get because I am not a mother. I actually wasn’t. But those moments, you know. A lot of them. I got bit of a fantasy. But I am obviously not as an interesting person, because now he is happy, she is happy and I am lonely. Maybe I’m not meant to find love.
Ok, seriously, I am too young to think like that. It’s weird. Not very many marries persons they met when they were teenagers. People say that kids these days just get older. Or is it younger? Dammit, I lost it. But the point is, kids grow up really fast. Ten years ago I didn’t know what an iPhone was. I had never used any sort of beauty products. My then current friends and I couldn’t speak in whole meanings that made any sense. To this day, I don’t even know if I actually had anything in common with them. We don’t keep in touch at least, so probably all our interests at that time was sand castles and beads. Barely a life.
Today I use full face makeup every day, never go anywhere without my phone, and, well, on the internet no one speaks in full sentences. But that doesn’t mean we CAN. I am not the best verbally communicator, but when it comes to typing... well, this blog is an exemple of all the great sentences I can make.
Anyways, something that have to do with this a little, and maybe some of you no are a little confused by (me trying to act like people read this hormonal rollercoaster and actually care for me) is the fact that I said I am Swedish and still write in English. Why? Is my Swedish not good? Can I not make full sentences when I have to do it in Swedish?
No, my Swedish is perfectly fine. That’s the language that raised me from a bead-obsessed child to a modern, makeuped, teenager who every now and then wants to kill herself. I know it better than English, actually. English have I learned on the road, from movies and books and television shows and media.
That is exactly the reason. Movies, books, television shows, media. The perfect jokes, the iconic lines. The characters that you grow really fond of. The beautiful couples. The heartbreaking goodbyes. The touching scenes that makes you eat a lot more chocolate than you intented to. The epic fight scenes. There is a reason why everything is so extreme. So emotional. It’s not that funny or romantic or exiting in real life. It only affects yourself a lot more. So they do it really extreme so it can affect you, and then you can be all into that and escape your reality. Holy crap, now it sounds like I am presenting a conspiracy theory. I am not. It’s the system.
So, the description on all these things are “more dramatic than in real life” and “helps you escape reality”. That’s what I want to do with this blog. I want to get into my mind for a while, where everything is a lot more dramatic than in real life.
I read a book once. Actually, my whole class read it, it was a project in school. When we later discussed it, everyone was like “Seriously, she is so dramatic. Sure, she’s being bullied a bit and that’s terrible, but it isn’t like the end of the world. It definitely isn’t worse than two friends maybe picking on each other. It’s just a regular class, the book shouldn’t say it is like a war zone.” I raised my hand immediately and said: “The book is a reflection on her mind. She tells the story. It’s from her point of view. It doesn’t show the class objectively. We are in her head. And she is upset. She have a lot of thinking in there, a lot of anger and feelings that never gets out. This is how she feels it.”
And, to finish it where I started about my broken heart, here’s a quote:
“Which is scarier, loneliness or love? I think being in love is. Being lonely gives you something to live for.
Bye for today.