Hello. I am in a huge Netflix mood right now. My whole day, from me waking up at 6.30 feeling like a zombie to now has been busy. Not a single minute to spend with reading, or looking at my phone. Or well, maybe some minutes here and there, but not whole hours or a period lasting longer than five minutes. It’s weird. I used to have all this extra time to waste, but now I cannot even relax. It was sick in school today, the teachers always seem to time up the days when they’re about to put a whole new gigantic project on us. The lunch break at school I spent studying and the other breaks were barely so long that you could get to class in time. After school I worked, and then I helped my brother with his math homework. After that I ate dinner, cleaned my room, changed the bedsheets, showered and finished my own homework. No time for scrolling at Instagram until I get so bored it automatically goes over to depression. Like “Everyone else is out there experiencing life, meeting friends and makes memories. I sit in my room alone and am not even doing something out of worth. I just make the time pass.
That was last year. Now everything is completely different. I did a lot of things this summer, all very summery. Went through a relationship with The Douchebag with flirting and talking and passion and a little private stuff and then just tears, had a bike accident or two, went to Greece and met my mom’s side of the family (they aren’t from Greece, they’re Swedish just like us but live in a whole other part of the country, so we booked the vacation together), where five days at our beach house with my four best friends (that was the best five days of my life, I remember almost everything because it was so funny and special and beautiful all of it, really memories for life) and I did all the things you do even as a little child: swimming, laying in the sun chilling and ate ice cream. Okay, I confess that I never just layed in the sun as a child, that got me so bored out, but I used to sort of do it as long as I had a book to read.
Anyways, I loved this summer to keep it short, and after three whole months of a all-summertime feeling and an inner clock that just screwed up even more for each day, the school sort of woke me up from a long dream along the clouds. It was rain and greyness, and it was early mornings before the sun showed up. It was strict routines and hard work. Discipline, maybe. This is the first month still, and soon all the tests are creeping up on us like freaking aliens. (We will be scared to death by what it will do, because we don’t understand a single word of what it’s saying.) And it’s also a time in life where you’re supposed to start visiting work life. Your supposed to evolve, grow as a person from the one you were as a child to a grown-up version. You are supposed to be better, come back with all the force you have and climb to the top. You’re supposed to make all the decisions for a future that is enormous. This is where it all gets determined.
No. Please don’t make me do this. I crawl together to a ball on the floor. I am young. I can still remember playing with my Barbies. For God’s sake, I still have them left in the basement!
I can not handle evolving like this. I don’t want to let go of those Barbies. Or this childhood. I am not an adult. I am barely a teenager. My body continues changing as it always has because I get older, and even though that scares me insanely much I can deal with that. The nature. It’s just biology.
But then people have also made this time so special in a lot of other ways. Everyone seems to look at it as a turning point. The period where you go in as a child and come out as an adult. You have to keep it together and do your very best now. It will have an impact on your entire life whether you succeed or not.
So much expectations. So much pressure. The fact that that has to get mixed together as a smoothie made of bleach, razor blades, rusty nails and glass shards. And then held right into your brain. Cutting your mind into a million broken pieces, having a lot of blood drain from that innocent child’s dream that was nothing like reality. This process doesn’t turn a child into an adult like military. It destroys the child like in freaking mental hospitals. It’s smashing, slashing, stabbing. Until the child isn’t left. Like some kind of horrible torture.
People wouldn’t say I am bad in school. E even got mad when I expressed my depression over my grades. I am not the best one, but I am okay.
But when it’s this much, when even I can’t understand a thing, when I get super stressed and overwhelmed and just... Yeah, I don’t want to be an adult. I don’t want to get my human heart broken and then replaced with a robot one. Or even a mature one. I don’t want to loose my place as a child when we celebrate Christmas. I don’t want to throw away my toys that used to raise me. I don’t want to get into more serious and focused times. I want a lot of time to do nothing or to learn the most basic things about life. To blow the seeds of a dandelion. To get more hugs and more love, because I need it now more than ever. I don’t want to take responsibility over my own life when it has barely started.
I don’t want to be on a class reunion twenty years from now and see that all the people that existed in my childhood, in many years, that I spent thousands and thousands of hours with in the same room and used to talk to, to get to know because we didn’t really have a choice when our realities existed along each other’s, to have laughed with and discovered that we were pretty the same people, just as misplaced and confused and funny and that we hadn’t different dreams and futures and would soon all go in different ways from now and maybe never see again except for on the reunion, I don’t want to see that they did. That they grew up. They are supposed to be the children we used to be. They exist there. Their laughs and jokes and personalities will remain in those memories, still just teenagers after all these years even though they have become adults.
“We have had a good time
when we were young.
But it is in the nature
of time to fly.”
Yes. I listened to Adele’s song When we were young today. It wasn’t my fault, it was on the TV! But it creates nostalgia you shouldn’t even have because you haven’t let go of anything yet. I am a person that don’t like when things go away. I always seem to haven’t even noticed stuff, gestures or people or reasons. But in secret I hold on to them so hard. People don’t think my childish heart has a function, but it’s actually stuffed. Just not visible.
This blog will hopefully last a lifetime.
Bye for today.
~You will search for me in another person. I promise.~