I think I have started to grow an obsession with this blog... Hi, anyways. Here is a quick update for those of you who didn’t know: I am bisexual. I am a girl who are attracted to boys, and a girl who are attracted to girls. For me the gender isn’t really the thing about a person that I focus on. And by that means, I am bi. Two-wayed. LGBT.
And not normal? Disgusting? Weird? A freak? Unnatural? Well, many things I have heard in the days, not many said precisely to me though. They maybe would be, if just people knew. Because right now, there are four people in the world who knows. Except those who reads this. But when it comes to people who actually know my name, it’s B, E, M and H, my dearest friends and companions in life’s true matters. I came out to them about two months ago because I feel safe with them, I felt safe with telling them, they know me so well that I couldn’t keep it a secret. I apparently hadn’t done that very well anyways, since they guessed it pretty fast when I said it was something. And in a recent post, I shared the whole conversation we had. Although, that time H wasn’t there. Did I ever tell you how that went? Well, pretty much faster. It was me, B, E and H and it had gone a few days since my outcoming to the rest of them. We randomly talked and reached that topic somehow and both E and me froze, realising that H didn’t know. Then it went like this:
E: OMG she doesn’t know does she?
Me: Nope. Haven’t told her.
E: You have to! You can’t leave her out of this.
Me: Fine. Okay H, you can guess it.
E: Guess on this question: what is G’s sexuality: Is she straight or bi?
Me: SHUT UP!
H: Uhmm, straight I guess?
E: That is wrong.
*B comes into the room*
B: What are you talking about?
H: Well, apparently people are bi, and that doesn’t change anything.
Then B and H went back to talking about some song. And the conversation was over.
But now let’s roll the tapes back a little. Because there is another story. About how someone else found out, a fifth person except my friends, who knows it as well.
You know how people always says that they knew it somehow, deep down but hadn’t really understood it yet. I don’t know if it was that way. It feels like an obvious part of me now, so natural. It is me. Maybe it has been me forever, because it wasn’t like a new part of me just got there. And I thought about it a little some times these last years, played with the thought but didn’t think of it too much. Whenever I got close to what could possibly be the truth, all the times small clues sneaked up on me, I moved away instantly. I didn’t want to live a lie. I wanted it to be true that I was simply heterosexual. Not because I have something against any types of sexualities, definitely not, but it is just easier. I wanted the easy way to be the real one, because it would save me from some idiots.
Then I started watching Riverdale. Geez, that show have lost track completely. It is great, but entirely different now than two seasons ago.
The thing about my life is, I don’t have a lot of relationships around me. I don’t have experience, and neither do my surroundings, except B and E but they are so private with everything. So all the dreams, all the inspiration, all the knowledge, it all comes from fiction. Books, TV-shows, movies. They contain a lot of love in all forms. So many ships. When I was younger of course no one in any of these books, TV-shows or movies was gay. Or bi. Or anything other than like a princess in danger and a prince who thinks he is a hero and all that bullshit. And then the words started getting mentioned. Gay. Homo. LGBT. A boy would call another boy his boyfriend suddenly. I thought it was great. New and different and exciting.