I think I have started to grow an obsession with this blog... Hi, anyways.Here is a quick update for those of you who didn’t know: I am bisexual. I am agirl who are attracted to boys, and a girl who are attracted to girls. For methe gender isn’t really the thing about a person that I focus on. And by thatmeans, I am bi. Two-wayed. LGBT.
And not normal? Disgusting? Weird? A freak? Unnatural?Well, many things I have heard in the days, not many said precisely to methough. They maybe would be, if just people knew. Because right now, there arefour people in the world who knows. Except those who reads this. But when itcomes to people who actually know my name, it’s B, E, M and H, my dearestfriends and companions in life’s true matters. I came out to them about twomonths ago because I feel safe with them, I felt safe with telling them, theyknow me so well that I couldn’t keep it a secret. I apparently hadn’t done thatvery well anyways, since they guessed it pretty fast when I said it wassomething. And in a recent post, I shared the whole conversation we had.Although, that time H wasn’t there. Did I ever tell you how that went? Well,pretty much faster. It was me, B, E and H and it had gone a few days since myoutcoming to the rest of them. We randomly talked and reached that topicsomehow and both E and me froze, realising that H didn’t know. Then it wentlike this:
E: OMG she doesn’t know does she?
Me: Nope. Haven’t told her.
E: You have to! You can’t leave her out of this.
Me: Fine. Okay H, you can guess it.
E: Guess on this question: what is G’s sexuality: Isshe straight or bi?
Me: SHUT UP!
H: Uhmm, straight I guess?
E: That is wrong.
*B comes into the room*
B: What are you talking about?
H: Well, apparently people are bi, and that doesn’tchange anything.
Then B and H went back to talking about some song. Andthe conversation was over.
But now let’s roll the tapes back a little. Becausethere is another story. About how someone else found out, a fifth person exceptmy friends, who knows it as well.
You know how people always says that they knew itsomehow, deep down but hadn’t really understood it yet. I don’t know if it wasthat way. It feels like an obvious part of me now, so natural. It is me. Maybeit has been me forever, because it wasn’t like a new part of me just got there.And I thought about it a little sometimes these last years, played with thethought but didn’t think of it too much. Whenever I got close to what couldpossibly be the truth, all the times small clues sneaked up on me, I moved awayinstantly. I didn’t want to live a lie. I wanted it to be true that I was simplyheterosexual. Not because I have something against any types of sexualities,definitely not, but it is just easier. I wanted the easy way to be the realone, because it would save me from some idiots.
The thing about my life is, I don’t have a lot ofrelationships around me. I don’t have experience, and neither do mysurroundings, except B and E but they are so private with everything. So allthe dreams, all the inspiration, all the knowledge, it all comes from fiction.Books, TV-shows, movies. They contain a lot of love in all forms. So manyships. When I was younger of course no one in any of these books, TV-shows ormovies was gay. Or bi. Or anything other than like a princess in danger and aprince who thinks he is a hero and all that bullshit. And then the wordsstarted getting mentioned. Gay. Homo. LGBT. A boy would call another boy hisboyfriend suddenly. I thought it was great. New and different and exciting.
When I was twelve I discovered the show Shame. Do anyof you remember it? It really was a long time ago, but when the third seasonpremiered around Christmas I was stuck. Because that one was about Isak. AndIsak had a secret: he was gay. I remember how my heart pounded a little hardereach time that word was mentioned. Something about it was so important. Scary?Exciting? True? Well, I didn’t know. I was twelve. It was the first time I eversaw a not straight relationship ever. And it was so amazing. It felt so realand more romantic than what I had ever seen before. It was just genuine love.It felt like it moved a bit too close to myself, though.
After that there was Glee. That show I thought wasextremely confusing, and I felt like it was mostly fake. It was too Hollywoodand High School and far away. It was all like plastic. Not real love, just anact.
And then it was Riverdale. Holy shit, That show havechanged completely. It is now about something entirely else than when itstarted.
But that is not the point. Because we have Cheryl. Doyou know who that is? She immediately became my favourite character. She was sopowerful and strong and smart. She was a leader and a good one too. I didn’teven see it coming until it did: she was bisexual. And it is this really strongepisode when she is in some kind of gay converting camp her mom sent her to andthen the girl she’s in love with, Toni, comes to rescue her. She is looking ata movie with some other kids about how wrong homosexuality is and she hearsToni’s voice call out her name. She thinks it’s just her imagination and thenthe door opens and there is she. Cheryl was crying, strong and independentCheryl was crying but she looked so happy when she saw Toni and so was I. Sheran towards her and she kissed her and the song “Bullet” played in thebackground.
After that scene, that incredible scene that changedmy life, I loved that song. I listened to it all the time, but I kept avoidingthinking about that scene. Cheryl wasn’t me. Of course not. I was perfectlystraight like a line.
But it was not like I could manipulate myself. On acar ride home from my grandparents I listened to the song on repeat and Istared out the window and saw all the trees on both sides. I felt the words.That was when I allowed myself to think the words for the first time.
I am gay.
And then I immediately backed away from the thought,terrified. But I got closer again and again during that ride. I allowed myselfto get used to it. It took hours. But then I knew for sure.
I am not straight. I am not really gay either. I ambisexual.
I am attracted to both genders.
I can fall in love and have a relationship with a girlor a boy.
This will not be an easy ride. Not at all. But I amon. I will not back out again or pretend something else. I am on to stay on.
And it was the scariest moment of my life.