So, as the title said, it’s in the middle of the day, a sunny, hot and beautiful Saturday. I definitely prefer warmth like this before coldness. The weather have been kinda upside down lately, but today it seems like the clouds finally are empty on water.
Anyways, the reason to all these mixed feelings this sunny Saturday is four people, including myself. One of them are B, the best friend you might remember. Let’s call the other ones E and M. They are two of my other best friends. The last one that is part of our inner circle, H, was working or horse riding or whatever, she’s busy pretty often. So, as today is Saturday, yesterday was Friday. A weekend was coming up, and me and B and E and M was at B’s house, just chillin’.
The four of us sat in her room and talked, and as it had been a long week where the teachers really pushed us to the limit, everyone was extremely tired. We simply talked. That’s what we usually do, just hang around and talk. It has been two years, and we never run out of things to talk about. That’s a little weird, now that I think about it.
After a while, we started playing Truth or Dare. That’s sorta our thing, it’s a long story. Not that we after two years have a lot of things left to ask, but it’s still a regular thing. We know almost everything about each other, so we focused on dares instead of truths. It was funny, but then someone told someone to tell all of us a secret that no one there knew. Usually, that doesn’t lead somewhere cause we have too much trouble coming up with something that’s unknown by all the members of our group, and still more important than things like “I ate a sandwich for breakfast yesterday”, but now I had this secret, a fact about me, that I got more and more sure about and they didn’t have a clue. My bisexuality.
(When I thought back of it, they of course had a clue. I have a lot of famous crushes, actors and singers etcetera, and at least half of them are girls. I had never referred to any of them as “crushes” but sure I had been talking about how gorgeous and funny they are. E had even told me to please stop get so turned on by girls. Or at least don’t out loud. It was annoying when he tried to watch the movie.)
At first, just after I announced “Well, there’s this thing...” I really had second thoughts about actually telling them. It felt private, and even though I trust them they are outside my head, and as soon as something gets outside my head it’s real. If I said those words, they would be in another brain than mine, that I couldn’t control. They would be in the world and could never be taken back. Not that it’s a big deal which sexuality you have, I really hate that people always assume everyone is straight before some of them come out as queer. But it was big for me. I don’t know anyone else that is anything other than just straight. I hang out with people that don’t generally give surprises. I’m not talking about my best friends, but rather my whole school. My whole life is surrounded by those who follow the stream and don’t stand out. No one does something unexpected. It’s too bad, really. When you know what will happen, you loose the function of time. Tomorrow could just as well be yesterday. There’s really no point in aging when everything else stays in the exact same order as always.
When all those second thoughts and a thousand more started showing up in my head, I quickly followed with “No, it was nothing. It wasn’t a real thing. You know everything about me. Just never mind.”
But you can never lie to your best friends, especially if you’re nervous. They sat up straight, looking at me fascinated.
“Yes it is. We can see it is. Go on, tell us.” B said, sounding interested.
“No, it doesn’t really matter. It wasn’t important.”
“Then you can just say it. Please let us know!”
My friends are, just like myself, the most stubborn people ever, so after a while I sighed loudly.
“Fine. Just fine. You can guess it. If you can’t get what it is, you maybe shouldn’t know anyways. Just remember it’s not that big of a deal when you find out.”
And to lighten the mood, they of course started asking questions about the person I hate most in the world. My ex boyfriend, also known as The Doucebag.
“Do you still have a crush on him? Does he have a crush on you? Have you started talking to him again? Please say you haven’t, he’s an idiot and you know it. Have you found out anything more about your mysterious breakup, like the REASON??”
Yes, they sort of hate him too. Even though he used to be a good friend to E. When our relationship crashed down suddenly, they all took my side. Although, they didn’t thought I fitted like emo.
“Is it ANYTHING about him?”
“Then do you have a crush on someone else? Is someone crushing on you?”
“Is it about you being suicidal?”
Yes, I told them about that a long time ago, but as something that wasn’t a big deal. I always present serious things as something that isn’t a big deal. That way it doesn’t sound very serious.
“No. It isn’t.”
“Is it about your love life?” M asked. I nodded at him.
“And you aren’t in love with anyone?
“Well, then what is it? Are you gay?”
My heart skipped a beat as they got close.
“No”, I said, my voice sounded weak.
“Are you bi?”
My body immediately reacted with a sudden move as I sat on the floor. It looked like my leg was out of control.
“You know what, I think I got to go now”, I said, with a version of my voice that sounded really high-pitched. I didn’t look into their eyes as I reached out for the door. Unfortunately, B and E threw themselves down from the bed and caught my legs. They are freakishly strong. A killer couple.
“Hey, you’re not going anywhere”, B said.
“This is a really awkward position”, I reminded them. It was true in more than one way.
“Seriously?” E asked, loosening the grip of me. I sat up again, pulled my legs up to my chest and leaned against the wall. "Are you bi? Seriously?"
"Uhm... no?" I tried, but it was an obvious lie.
"She is!" B said, with sparkling eyes. "She really is!"
None of them seemed horrified. Rather happy that they had guessed what it was. It was really sweet.
"Are you bi? Really?" E asked again. He is, except for me, the one that are most interested and knows most of the gossip. I guessed this was a pretty big one for him.
"So that was the thing?" M said, the slowest processor of us all. "That you are bi?"
I crawled down to the corner of B's room and pulled a blanket over my head.
"You are not supportive", I said.
"Wha- wait, we didn't say that! Of course we're supportive!"
"No you're not", I mumbled.
"Yes, we are!" B said.
"After I confirmed it you were silent for like thirty seconds!"
"Yes", M said, "because, as you said, it's not a big deal, and we just ran out of things to say."
Why does he always have to be logical about everything?
"Are you bi? Seriously, G?" E asked another time,
"Yes, and you are not accepting!"
"G! The only one that isn't accepting here is you! Don't be homophobic!"
"I am not!" I shouted. It must have looked ridiculous when I still had the blanket over my head. "E are!"
"What?" he asked in obvious confusion. "I didn't say anything!"
"You said you weren't accepting! At least, you didn't say you were!"
"Of course I am!" he exclaimed. "I know a lot of people who are queer!"
"You are not accepting! I shouldn't have told you!"
"I am! Stop saying I'm not!"
"No, you aren't! Oh God, I really shouldn't have told you!" (I started sounding like Hagrid).
"Why not?" B asked, being the only one who didn’t seem shocked. "Why wouldn't you? It's completely normal!"
"I know it is! But it's not like being straight!"
"We don't care! Seriously, we don't mind at all. You can be whatever you want."
"You said it wasn't a big deal!" M said. "We are accepting. Why are we still discussing this?"
"It is a big deal!" I said.
"No, it's not! Stop being homophobic!"
I sighed. There were a couple of seconds of silence in the room. It had started getting pretty hot under the blanket.
"Are you still my friends?" I asked softly.
"Of course we are!" they all shouted. They were probably pretty sick of me at this point.
"Then, group hug?"
I held my arms out. For a second, nothing happened. Then three pair of arms were surrounding me.
It's a really happy ending, this. Later that night, we had a sleepover at M's. We ate sushi, played video games and watched a weird comedy. E and I couldn't stop laughing, as we have the same kind of twisted humor they had in the movie. We didn't discuss it anything more. They were fine with it. They knew I was still the same person. Nothing had changed.
And yet, it had.
Bye for today.
As a parentes, I don't know why I was so sure they wouldn't accept my sexuality. They aren't homphobic, any of them. All of them are great people who love me for the person I am and wouldn't stop because something like that was revealed. They are right, it's not a big deal. I know that too. I have never been un-accepting to myself or other queer people, but I knew that there are always people who will be. Life as someone that stands out is more difficult than just keeping your head down and follow the stream, It will create more enemies
Just remember, if you get enemies you know you are walking in the right direction, the one that is true to you and feels right.
I also knew that I wouldn't care what those people said that much. If you don't care about the person, then you don't care about its opinions on you. I care a lot about my friends. If they had thought it was unnatural or stupid or started try to talk me out of it, it would hurt me. I would have suffocated under that blanket. They didn't, but I was expecting the worst so much I still couldn't believe they were so easy with it.
And now I am home, in my room this sunny Saturday afternoon. Happy and tired and a little proud. I am writing stuff to promote people, which I never thought I would. Not that I don't want everyone to love themselves, but to turn that things around it takes great speeches. I am not a speech person. But as I am in such a good mood today, I gave it try.
Be yourself, and the right people will love you.
Today I love all of you.
Except Donald trump.
He's still an asshole.