This evening feels like an epilogue. I don’t know why. I rewatched the Friends series this fall and a couple days ago I got to the last episode. And I finished a book yesterday. In the final ten or so pages one of the main characters died. A girl, seventeen years old. Really bossy and mean, previously a bullier to another of the main characters. But she really had a development in the book. She didn’t stop being that girl. But she died to save them, and it was a heroic death. In her last moments alive, a boy she had been in love with for eight years kisses her. At least she thinks so. Really he just tries the mouth-to-mouth method on her, but she is half unconscious and you read from her point of view so it is described as their mouths melt together. Then there is one last sentence.
“She doesn’t even notice when her heart stops beating.”
That, along with the final shot of the apartment in Friends, had me crying. For a long time, the sort of extreme crying when you just know that if someone would walk in right now, you could never hide it from them. They would think that something terrible had happened. I don’t know, it sort of has. But it didn’t happen, though. Because it wasn’t real. At the same time as it was very real. Not to all the fictional people in the book or in the TV-show, but to me. Things can not happen, but yet be very real. That is what I am trying to say.
Anyways, ever since then everything have felt like an epilogue. It is a powerful feeling, being in the end. You look back on all that have happened, the entire past, and still live in the now more than ever. You are nostalgic and at the same time you see yourself and everything else for what it is in this moment, not for what it was. You live in two times, or more. You live your life in all the years that you have been alive.
I think the most powerful sort of endings are the ones in comedy and the ones in fantasy, especially teenage fantasy. But it is for two different reasons.
Comedy means something to everyone. We have different kinds. We see it as different things. But it means something to us. Always. Laughing means something to us. It is one of the reasons to why all of us are alive. Because we have been able to laugh. As for me, who gets easily upset, I never stay mad when someone makes me laugh. And I wish my friends hadn’t figure that out, cause it’s annoying when your anger is blown away if it was important. I read an interview yesterday (yeah, when did I become the kind of person that reads interviews?) and he talked about the four body genres. Erotica, comedy, horror and melodrama. All of these are private to us, they come up close. But out of these, comedy makes you survive. It gives you a life spirit. A smile or a laugh. And that is so important. It is important to being able to find enough happiness in your life so you can manage to smile. For me, laughing means that I have control. That things function. And that the world keeps being beautiful. Just small parts but still. Comedy shines up the beauty. Think of how beautiful people become when they laugh. A real laugh.
When laughing ends, you have lost something. When the people that used to make you laugh, your friends or The Friends ends, it leaves a hole. When a light disappears it always seems darker than it was before the light was there in the first place.
Okay, teen fantasy. Have been my favourite genre since forever. Got stuck somehow. Not because of the adventures, even though they make you keep reading and holds you excited. Because of the sacrifices.
Fantasy always becomes new information for them. Usually it’s good against evil, but not always with those words. And they get into it. It is important and they don’t have a choice. They need to do this. But it takes a lot. It demands bravery. It demands loyalty. It demands intelligence. It demands ambition. It demands everything that they are and becomes everything that they do. And you follow them, normal people like anybody, and you see them discuss. You see them practice. You see them plan. You see them going through missions. You see them in fights. And you see them cry at night. Their pain and suffering. Because they had to give up everything. Their opinions, their emotions, their personalities and problems of their own. Everything that used to be them and used to be normal. They can’t have that anymore. They wait for it to come back and in the meantime they keep going. They are really strong. Really powerful. But sometimes it doesn’t work out. They die and never gets their own life back. Or they do, everything leaves them and they realises that it’s been to long. Their life has left them. Everything they know now is the fantasy.
That is what I love about fantasy. The sacrifices. Or not love like that, I do not like other people’s suffering. But it is something that gets right into your heart, right into you. Powerful. And especially when they are teens because they are not ready. They don’t expect something like that to change everything. They have so much hope. They are waiting for what the world will give them. They are waiting for their lives to begin. And then everything gets destroyed.
Have I said that I like sadness because it’s pure etcetera? That is what I feel about this. It gets me sad.
I think I got to sleep now. Hope the epilogue thing ends. Hope that there is a good place to where all the fictional characters gets when they die.
Bye for today.
And so I slept.
And so I cried.