the thing about me you have noticed is that I’m black. Something that I now am proud of but wasn’t before. It’s an of my identity from my defend curls to the media I consume. I'm ethnically Somali and reseed in Sweden. However, I was never raised to see the beauty in my skin color, because everything from the people around me to the people I was on tv never looked like me. Therefore, I must be the odd one out. The first time I ever had another black person as classmate as when I started 4th grade, where thoughts and concepts of beauty already were established. So learning about Black history month in my early teenage years changed the way I look at my self. Becuse i saw beautyfull black women who were porud of theri big lips and curly hair, so why should i not be pround as well? Funny that the race which didn’t even have a written language, let alone a single functional civilization prior to white colonialism would have an entire month of the calendar dedicated to their history, which every white nation is politically obligated to acknowledge.

Obviously, we as a society need to learn to view women as more than just their physical appearance and to start complimenting them because of their talents and skills rather than their looks, that I agree with. What I don’t agree with is the horde of white feminists acting like a celebration of black beauty somehow promotes these harmful patriarchal standards about women being nothing but their looks.

Black women (especially dark skin ones) have been ostracized and humiliated for their physical appearance for hundreds of years, so many young black girls grow up nowadays depressed and wanting to bleach their skin and get plastic surgeries to look “less black” because society has indoctrinated them into believing blackness is inherently ugly, teaching these black girls to love themselves and telling them their natural features are indeed beautiful is in no way antifeminist or promoting patriarchal beauty standards! Antiblackness is a globalized phenomenon and beauty standards in most countries and cultures are extremely antiblack anyways, promoting natural black beauty is directly fighting against those patriarchal expectations!

Black women are beautiful! This is a fact! Stop telling me I’m supporting an industry that profits off of women’s self-hatred for refusing to give up to internalized racism that exact same industry has been trying to force on me and people like me for so long! 


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My writing


1. you have the stars locked in your eyes.
there is something priceless about the way your eyes twinkle when you love something; its like your eyes are on fire and there is not fire extinguisher powerful enough to take that flame out. you can tell me
that your life doesn't mean shit but i don't
believe you.
you keep saying that you don't care about anything anymore and i guess that's fine but think about when you were eight and you loved dogs. when you were ten and you loved to dress up. when you were eleven and you loved dancy pop, but when you were thirteen you loved punk rock. when you were sixteen and you couldn't stop thinking about tattoos. when you were twenty and you realized you loved the taste of alcohol. but most of all, remember when you were six and there was
nothing you loved more
than yourself.
take it all back. these are your stars. make them shine.

2. the ground feels like your skin
no matter where i go.
it doesn't matter how long its been since we touched. i remember the softness of your finger tips, and the little rough spots on your arms. your hips feel like a hug from aphrodite. the rise and fall of your breathing is easy to fall asleep to.
you've been walked over but you are not
a doormat. you are a common ground, somewhere anyone can go. you are the reason children can play. you are the way friends find themselves passed on in an rv together. you are bringing families to disney in the summer.

3.your body is just like the sky
always changing, always shifting at least a bit. cloudy one moment, sunny the next, then twisting around like a tornado.you used to burn me like the sun-
i couldn't stop tanning when i was around you. now
people always say its cloudy up here in jersey but i know the truth. the sun is always around, but its been hiding for a little too long.
i'll always be waiting for that rainbow.
just like the weather you keep moving. you never stop
/nothing can stop you/ you're invincible.
keep on moving.

4. you look beautiful with the wind blowing through your hair.
its almost as if it was made for you, to caress you and keep you cool.
you always say "i wish my hair was more interesting" but even with it pin straight it's enough to blow me away.
even though you always complain about it, i know your hair is the only thing you've never stopped loving about yourself.

keep loving it. i want you to love yourself like you've never loved anything before and let it start with your hair.

--
you have an entire planet living inside your body. and it believes in you: you, and only you are it's deity, it's mother.
don't jump. don't shoot. don't bleed. you are the sky and the sky doesn't give up until the second it dies /the sky never dies/.

5. you mean the world to me.

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Personal

Thoughts from the first day of the year 2018:

- Waking up at noon with just a heaviness in my chest

Understanding that no amount of anxiety can change the future or the past. That the only person that stands in the way of my recovery is me. However, letting go is a language haven't learned.

- Feeling the pressure of life

I graduate high school in June. With my last semester starting in 1 week, and me not doing any of the work that should have done, the ace in my stomach gets stronger.

- Wanting to move on from the past,

While not wanting to, because the pain is what makes me feel alive. Letting go was a common theme for me in 2017. It was hard at first, but the freedom that came after was exhilarating. Realizing that the past is the past and cant change it. And life was worse in 2016.

Goals for 2018 (The year of recovery)

- meditation every day

I learned that If you want to overcome anxiety without medication, mindfulness meditation is a proven way to reduce anxiety and stress and improve your overall well-being. It does more than temporarily help you relax.

- Writing in all its forms

Writing is my everyday form of self-care. The way I have can I can project my thoughts on a clean sheet of paper. Later when I'm more stable, can visit them. However, only on my terms. I will write spoken poetry, short stories, journal entries, and essays. I want to be a writer in the future, and practice will get me there faster. I will use writing to my benefit. Make it a quantity that is mine.

- blogging more frequently

I want to display my work. Why not in a small place on the internet where I make the rules?

- Exercise more frequently

Scientists have found that regular participation in aerobic exercise has been shown to decrease overall levels of tension, elevate and stabilize mood, improve sleep, and improve self-esteem. All things that I'm struggling with. And I have said 2018 is the year of recovery for me. Exercise may become one of my tools to do so.

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Personal

For as long as I can remember, the was what I was good at. I was never the best looking girl, never had the coolest clothes but I was that had the passion for writing. My stories were based on a few life experiences I had carved in my mind. I would not call them original, but at the end of the day, what piece of writing is every original? One of my first memories of my childhood is sitting my family's stationary computer and writing my stories. Getting annoyed when the people around me could not see the level of I needed through the quiet. Only knowing that these words I was typing were creating something that was entirely mine. My first story was a bunny detective who kept getting letters from an unknown source with details about the end of the world. Not sure where that idea came from.

But I stop writing for a few years. After my family and I moved to a whole new city five hours away from the life I knew, the old supportive system. Becoming very familiar with the numbing feeling loneliness. I don't remember how I progressed to becoming a reader. Because a part of being a writer is also being a reader. Finding words that inspire a spark. All I remember was one day finding the online book community, being welcomed and later just reading more than ever. I believe that I first found a book related video on youtube, then the book community on Instagram. Because of a school project of doing something creative I started I Instagram account originally named @sumayathereader and jumped all in into the community. Recovering from depression I can honestly say that the online book community saved me. Not just the act of reading but finding people who actually wanted to talk to me made me feel so wanted. The young ambitious writer lost her pen to her daemons but quickly found a new one. First only being a writer, then a reader, I can proudly say that I'm both. And there is nothing wrong with that.

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